I've Been De-Friended

Years ago my mother became friends with this guy on Yahoo! Chat.. he was with this crazy lunatic, and eventually they broke up. After awhile he met this other girl who we all really liked, they got married (in my living room!!!!), and after a couple years had a little girl.

It has been years now, lots of ups and downs between everyone involved. I still chat with both he and his wife regularly on [A popular social networking site].

Over the past couple of months his wife has seriously been seeming like she's LOSING HER FUCKING MIND!

Seriously... She was fed up with her job, and making excuses NOT to go, regardless of the fact that her husband has been unable to find a job at this point in time, and money is stretched super tight, like to the point they are having a hard time paying bills and providing for their daughter, even when she's working regularly.

Her husband knew she was tired of her job and was trying desperately to make life easy at home and find a job himself so she can change jobs, or whatever.

Instead of taking Her FAMILY and RESPONSIBILITIES into consideration, she just quits her job and takes another job, with a MAJOR pay cut...

Insisting for the first week that she's FINALLY doing what she loves, and how she's making a difference, etc.

Great, now let's just forget the fact that you TOLD YOUR FIVE YEAR OLD that she probably won't be getting anything for Christmas because you didn't want to keep your old job, and that she was heartbroken and cried herself to sleep that night... no, we won't bring that up at all.

Fast Forward another week... and EVERY post she makes on her status is complaining about her job, how much she hate it, how miserable she is, blah, blah, blahty blah.

Now.. I'm sorry but I've listened to her husband vent about this for a couple months now. She's bipolar and wasn't on meds and her doctor wasn't helping... My mother is Bipolar, My son very well may be bipolar as well... I KNOW what he is going through, on top of seeing her posts myself.

So FINALLY I say something. I posted a comment and asked if she was ever going to stop complaining about her job and just be thankful that she HAS one at all, when there are SO Many of us out there who can't find one.

That was it.

So she sends me a message and tries turning it into a pity party, how she hurt herself at work so she can't do hardly anything other than making beds, etc.

So? Specify that you hurt yourself and you're frustrated because you can't do what you're supposed to be doing... would that be so hard?

So she messages me back and is acting all poor pitiful me again saying "So it's ok for you and everyone else to vent online, but not me, I see. I'll just take you off my friends list and you wont have to see it anymore"

So I got dirty... and without telling her that her husband is seriously considering changing the locks one day while she's gone because he's completely fed up with her bitching and refusing to take care of herself or anyone else (including SHOWERING Ya'll!!!!!), I told her she may want to consider taking my advice before she loses EVERYTHING, because I've seen her attitude and I've seen how she treats her husband, and I can't understand why he puts up with it.

And she has officially "de-friended" me.... I'm heartbroken... no, really, can't you tell?

Moving To A New Host

Just a heads up that over the next few days or so I will be moving my blog to a new host with my own domain! (http://reinventing-mama.com and http://reinventing-mama.net)

The orders have been put in, payments paid, and through the week I will be transferring my blog to my new host.

Bare with me while I make this transition please and thank you!

Because Just Saying "You're a Bad Mom" Would Be Too Easy

So I call my mother, all excited because I thought of a cool gift for the kids for Christmas... Giga Pets! Or well, more like a generic brand that I found on Amazon.com for $1 each.. Anyway, I'm telling her about it, and yeah, she got them the exact same thing... oh well, they'll get two.

Then we are talking about school, and Picasso and Princess are running around being loud... not being bad, just loud, so I ask them to go upstairs to play so I can talk on the phone. They don't listen (because seriously, what kid does, right?) so I get a little louder and TELL them to go upstairs.

My mother gets all huffy and snaps at me "You know, I'm just gonna get those kids something for Christmas that they can ONLY use in their rooms, since that's where they spend 90% of their time ANYWAY!" and proceeds to tell me that basically all I do is yell at the kids and never spend time with them.

Umm, EXCUSE ME? I have been working my ASS off, TRYING to get life to be a little less chaotic so that I CAN spend time with them! I FINALLY got my school stuff organized so that I can stay ahead of assignments instead of struggling and stressing to get things done last minute, so that I am ABLE to spend a little time with my husband and kids.

I KNOW that I've neglected spending as much time with them lately as I should, but seriously, my kids do NOT spend 90% of their time in their rooms, even though I wish they would spend a little MORE time there. We spent a ton of time and money fixing those rooms up for them so they would ENJOY them and have a space of their own and WANT to be in them... but the only time they go in there is to sleep. I think I was completely justified in asking them to go play upstairs while I was on the phone because they were being loud.

What are your thoughts? Am I a horrible neglectful mother who should be shot?

That's My Girl..

Ordered pizza tonight for dinner, we cleared out two large pizzas between the six of us.

There were two slices left and Princess asks for a piece, then proceeds to eat all of the pepperoni and cheese off of it, and hands it to hubby.

Hubby: "You ate the pepperoni and cheese off your pizza and now you're done?"

Princess: "YEP!"

Hubby: "That's my girl..."

Me: Laughing uncontrollably (Because he's not her father)

New Look, again

Just a note that the layout and look of this blog May and probably will change a lot over the next few days... still trying to get it just right.

Playing Hide-and-Seek with Luna

Last night on our way to town to pick up hubby from work, it was just me and the girls (Princess and Monkey), the boys had plans. Princess is in the back seat and I'm driving (umm, obviously) and she starts LAUGHING, like completely giggling like crazy. I turn the radio down (cause you know, it HAS to be cranked in order for me to drive without killing someone) and listen, this is what I hear:

"Where is she?.... THERE SHE IS!!!.... Peek-A-Boo!... She hiding again... She good a hiding.... *giggle*.... Peek-A-Boo!... Her a hiding again"

Ummm... What?

So it turns out Princess was watching the *AMAZING* (full?) moon last night and was playing "hide-and-seek" with it. When it went behind trees, it was hiding, then it would come out and she would yell peek-a-boo and start laughing like crazy, it was great.

I told her that the Moon's name was "Luna" (one of MANY names for the Moon depending on what following you are of), and after that she was like "Where is 'woona'" (cause you know, three year olds have a hard time with that 'L' sound sometimes).

Then... completely of her own accord, she comes out with this:

"Mommy... 'Woona' is like a Mommy..... and the Sun is like a *Daddy!"

But yeah, so someone tell me WHERE did she pick this up? Because as I said in my previous post... I have NOT really incorporated ANY of my Pagan beliefs into my parenting (yet), so I'm having a hard time understanding LOGICALLY where my 3 year old picked this up from... not that it isn't totally AWESOME, cause seriously? A 3 year old who knows Sun=Male and Moon=Female? AWESOME TIMES THREE!


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*Daddy is used in place of hubbys name because Princess calls him by his first name, not daddy

(Pagan) Holiday Traditions

Most families have Traditions, especially around the holidays. Growing up I remember always celebrating New Years Eve with Movies and Chinese take-out. No, there's no special significance with Chinese food and New Years Eve, it was more a matter of cost. My parents almost always received one or two gift certificates to their favorite Chinese restaurant for Christmas, and would use them to give us all a special meal for the new year. After a few years of doing this, it became a tradition, and even years when they didn't receive gift certificates, we still went for Chinese.

I have continued that tradition over the last 10 years and with my own children when they are home for New Years Eve, otherwise Hubby and I get Chinese and will go out to celebrate the New Year (and my birthday which coincidentally falls VERY close to it).

Since my husband and I have been together, we have begun a few traditions of our own, and since our family is still fairly new, these traditions are still evolving. One thing we have done since our very first Christmas together is to go to a local Tree Farm (a highly publicized one that donates Christmas trees to Military families) on the day after Thanksgiving, to pick out and cut our very own tree. While there we pick out a wreath or kissing ball, and the kids enjoy free homemade donuts and warm cider. Another tradition we started that very first trip to the tree farm was to let the kids each pick out their very own ornament, something we have continued every year since then.

Our theory was, it was our first Christmas together, neither of us had anything more for decorations than a few miscellaneous ones that had followed us from childhood, hand-me-downs from our parents or other well meaning people, and absolutely nothing matched. We didn't want our children to grow up in the same predicament, so we bought a set of glass balls in coordinating colors (blue and white), a blue tree skirt, and awesome wire edged ribbon that is sheer and glittery with snowmen, and a white Angel for the top of the tree (Angels hold a very significant place in Hubby's family so we picked one that was not religious but still an Angel). We figure that if the kids each can pick an ornament every year between now and when they move out and onto their own, they will each have approximately 20 very nice, unique and special ornaments to take with them to begin their own Holiday traditions with, and we will be left with our simple but still beautiful blue/white/silver ornaments and any special keepsake ornaments we end up with between now and then, like our GORGEOUS "Our First Christmas" ornament that hubby insisted on buying when we saw it at Macy's... Yes... Macy's... I won't tell you how much it cost, but let's leave it at, I could have fed us both at a small restaurant for what we paid.

We since have acquired a set of painted pine-cones that we hang on the tree, which pleases me to no end, because it gives that nature feel, and it brings me back to my roots, which is something I have wanted for a long time.

Something most of my readers do not know about me is that I am Pagan, something that has been important to me my entire life (but that's a whole different set of blog posts completely).

In my first marriage my husband "acted" supportive of my beliefs, but never fell short of making me feel like I should not incorporate my intended way of life, into his. My amazing hubby is super supportive and anyone who met him would think he himself was Pagan (though he still stands by the Catholic name because that's what he was raised as... haha).

Anyway, I have struggled for years since my husband and I got together, trying to find my way back to my path, and I finally feel as though I have taken the right turns, and finally am nearing where I should be. I decided that THIS holiday season we will be incorporating a new tradition. I want to begin introducing the kids to my belief system (without necessarily teaching them specifics or giving them lessons, just introducing aspects of Paganism to our daily lives, I think the good values are something everyone should learn!). My first attempt at this will be a variation of a tradition I read about online. The tradition I read about is called a Blessing Tree and for the life of me I can't find the link right now... I'll update when I do.. But basically you get a baby tree, and decorate it with bits of paper, each containing a Blessing or wish... and then after the holiday season you plant the tree. GREAT idea, this is supposed to be instead of cutting a tree down.

NOT so sure I could go without my tree... Hubby insists on a real one, and I love the time we spend with the kids going out to pick one out as a family, it's those traditions that are going to last a lifetime!

My idea is to take the idea of putting the blessings/wishes onto the "Christmas" tree (Yes, we call it Christmas), I want to have the kids write down a message thanking the tree for being our christmas tree, for allowing us to borrow it from Nature for awhile (since it will be returned to nature after the holiday season to become composted into the back yard).

Hubby comes from a very Italian family and one of their traditions growing up was to get together for a BIG seafood dinner on Christmas Eve, something we picked up our first year together. We went all out that first year and spent about $200 on the ONE meal for our combined families. Things have changed over the years and we are incorporating more pasta and finger foods into the mix. Last year I was pregnant so really couldn't have a lot of seafood so we simply had some Lobster and crab rolls, a shrimp platter, things like that, the main dish was stuffed manicotti.. SO GOOD! This year is looking to be similar, maybe a bit more seafood since I'm allowed to have it now haha.. But with the idea of money in mind, ,we need to keep costs low and are asking everyone to bring a small dish with them... and as always it's BYOB (Bring Your Own Booze, we may have some homemade wine available).

I think I will have the kids write their blessings for the tree before the party, and then ask everyone who comes to write their own and add it to our tree.. I'd like to cut some nice paper for this and use pretty ribbon to hang it on the tree... we will see what I come up with.

I think this is a good start for introducing Pagan traditions to the family, a little at a time... and hopefully I am able to incorporate more over the years.

Depression

Note of Disclaimer: This blog post was written while under the influence of cheap rum and cheap soda. I have read this message sober and believe it is ok to post. If I come across as extremely harsh in this message, well, blame it on the alcohol and depression.... both of which appear to be gone for the time being. Fingers crossed the depression stays gone and the alcohol just stops by for occasional visits :)
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I have been struggling with myself for days, trying to decide whether or not to blog. I haven't posted anything in a few weeks because life has been really crazy here.

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. This is the first time in nearly 4 years that I have had any severe depression issues, and I was completely unprepared for it. I really don't know what caused it, but things really started going down hill noticeably after our anniversary... or lack thereof.

In my last entry I wrote about all of the things I have going on, and really, none of that has changed. I'm super busy, the kids are super stressful, money is super tight, and then on top of that, throw the Holidays into the mix, and it's just harder and harder to deal with every day.

We made plans specifically to stick around home this year for Thanksgiving because this is the first year since we have been together that my three older children were not court ordered to be "somewhere else" for 4 hours on Thanksgiving, so we did not HAVE to travel. So instead of spending the holiday with my family, as we usually do, we decided to spend the holiday with hubbys family.

Wednesday we get the call that Thanksgiving at sister in laws house has been canceled because her daughter was diagnosed with H1N1... prognosis is really good, so no worries there, but Doctor ordered her to NOT be around anyone she doesn't live with.

So the 6 of us stayed home and had dinner here, no biggy, except I had some schoolwork to get done, so while hubby was preparing some dishes, I was trying to get my stuff done so that it was out of the way and I could forget about school for the rest of the day and spend a nice, quiet holiday at home with my husband and kids...

Yeah... SURE... cause dreaming big will get you anywhere, right?

The kids couldn't sit down and be quiet, had to fight all morning, so I'm trying to do my school work and keep them under control, hubby is TRYING to cook food and keeps running back and forth...

Yeah, I literally shoved the boys out the door and locked them outside for awhile. So sue me, I'm a bad mom.

I gave up trying to do school work after hubby started bitching, and started cleaning like a mad woman...

By the end of the day I was crying, ready to quit school, and just ready to give up, completely wanted to disappear. I posted some of my frustration on my Facebook status messages through the day, just to be told by my mother that by venting it makes me seem like a bad mom and SHE'S EMBARRASSED FOR ME!!!!

Yeah, FUCK YOU!

The days since then have been NO better... the thought of divorce crossed my mind today. Not because I WANT one, but because I'm sure it won't be long before my husband realizes that this is SO not what he signed up for when he signed those papers, legally becoming a husband/step-father, and that he deserves more than ungrateful kids who don't appreciate anything, have major anger issues, are destructive to everything around them, a wife who honestly has NO idea how to deal with her own kids, because SHE wasn't raised by parents who had a clue, and then spent 6 years in a marriage where her husband treated her no better and instilled in their children the idea that "What Mom says doesn't matter, unless I say it too."

So yeah, the last 3 or 4 days have just been horrible for me, and the weeks leading up to now haven't been much better. I don't know what is causing me to feel this way, hell I don't even know exactly WHAT I'm feeling, I just know it's not good, and when I mentioned it to my husband (someone who has never experienced me, or anyone else, going through a major depression), I was told I had to "Snap out of it" because he "wasn't going to 'carry' this entire family" himself.

Yeah, cause "snapping out of it" is SO easy, right?

So on top of feeling burned out, depressed, stressed out, etc. Now I'm angry, and aggravated and annoyed, etc.

My husband and I haven't had a break in over a year... We did have ONE night before the baby was born that we got a babysitter and went out to dinner and a movie, just the two of us, but I was so VERY pregnant, that I couldn't even enjoy it that much... My older kids don't have visitation with their biological father either, which is less stressful for me in one way, but leaves me more stressed in others.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Those Sirens You Heard... Yeah, They Came Here.

So I've been really stressed lately, and so after talking to hubby about everything that needed to be done this week, I decided to take today off. I closed for the day, we had some errands to run, and then came home to watch a couple Disney movies with the girls.

Hubby made lunch and was going to go work on some stuff around the house, and I had JUST sat down to post a Facebook status telling people I was closed for the day and would be open tomorrow... I took ONE bite of my lunch, and I started hearing a noise. At first it sounded like a large truck, so I didn't think much of it, but then it didn't go away, I looked at hubby...

Me: "What is that noise?"

Him: "Oh, probably someone playing loud music across the road."

............. That doesn't sound like music.........

We look at each other, eyes getting big...

Him: "SHIT, CHIMNEY FIRE!"

Me: "Aww, Hell, what's the number to 9-1-1?!?!"

OK, I'm kidding, I KNOW the number to 9-1-1... and actually he ran to the basement to check on the wood boiler thinking maybe it was going to blow off steam, and when he got there he realized it was a fire, not steam, and yelled up to call the fire department.

Thankfully we live right in town, a small town, but in town none the less, and we happen to be related to a couple of people on the department, so literally in less than 10 minutes we've got half the Volunteer Fire Department, plus two other Volunteer Fire Departments parked in front of our house directing traffic, the Chief parked his truck so close he hit my van when he got out and my Sister in law came around the corner so fast her van looked like it was gonna tip over, hehe...

Anyway, everything is fine, it actually wasn't the chimney that was on fire, but the stove pipe going from the boiler to the chimney instead... apparently it was plugged up really bad with Creosote (the residue that forms when you burn wood).

They checked the chimney with mirrors and flashlights and that was fine, so we have to let the wood boiler run cold and just use the wood stove in the dining room until the boiler gets cold and we can clean it out and replace the stove pipes.

Thank GOD for fast response time though, our fire department definitely deserves two thumbs up!

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So a couple months ago I let #1 & #2 sign up for Soccer, it was a good experience and really helped out with #1's self esteem issues, which helped his anxiety and depression, not so much with the possible ADHD, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Soccer got over and life went back to normal... kinda. Except a week or so later, I started college, and EVERYONE in the house got sick, the last month has been SO crazy around here!

Last night we had parent teacher conferences... they went well over all, so that was good, minor issues, but each teacher came prepared with a plan for tackling or at least learning to cope with each one (Tourette's Tics especially!), which was nice. I like having other people suggest things instead of telling me "We have this, this and this problem with your kid, and we need you to do something about it."... nope, I like hearing "... but, I came up with a plan today and I'm going to try it out and I'll let you know how it goes!" - LOVE a good proactive teacher! Of course, she was #1's teacher last year so I think she was prepared with how to deal with us, hehe.

After conferences we walked around the school and checked out the Literacy fair they had going on, it was really cool to see some of the information about reading that they had available, and made me want to encourage the kids to read every night even more than I already did.

In the Gym they had Basketball sign-ups. #1 really wanted to do it, and it's free, so why not, right? RIGHT?!?!

Except I've already got a lot on my plate...
For example:

1. I work full time, and I work for myself, so I can't just take time off (See This Post For More On That)
2. I'm a full time college student. Yes, it's online college, but still, You have NO idea the workload associated with that unless you've done it, and let's just say thank GOD I have an understanding hubby!
3. I have 4 kids... two of which have strict sleep schedules and we get to live through HELL when those schedules are disrupted.
4. My husband doesn't drive... Long story behind that, but he doesn't. So I am the taxi driver of the family, which means from 4:30-5:30 Monday - Thursday, I'm occupied, no rescheduling of that.
5. I have special needs children that see multiple specialists of different types... that takes up a LOT of time!
6. As good as my husband is about helping around the house with cooking and cleaning... HE needs help with it all sometimes, so me being this busy is NOT good for his sanity!
7. #1 did sign up for Basketball... *Sigh*

Looking back over this list, it's easy to see why I have no sex life as of late!

Swine Flu?

So a few days ago hubby and I suffered celebrated our wedding anniversary.

Yeah, "Congratulations", Thanks... NOT!

Not saying I'm not immensely thrilled to add another year to our history, I LOVE being married to the man, but OH... MY.... GOD!

The ordeal started 4 days before our anniversary, and then a couple days after still...

Day 1: I get a phone call that hubby is getting out of work early... in an ambulance. He's having severe pain he thinks may be related to a procedure he had done months ago. I'm freaking out and meet him at the ER. They do an ultrasound, everything looks ok except he has severe bruising and some swelling. Prescribe bed-rest, anti-inflammatory and pain meds.

Day 2: I wake up completely and utterly sick. I'll spare you the details but I spent the majority of my day sleeping and/or in the bathroom. Conclusion: Hubby got absolutely NO help all day.

Day 3: I wake up feeling better, hubby is in more pain, we assume due to not being able to rest the day before. As the day progresses, his condition gets severely worse. BACK to the ER. Dr examines him and agrees with prior prescriptions, but also prescribes an antibiotic and a different pain med.

Day 4: I wake up feeling slightly ill again... just in time to hear the sounds of #2 running to the bathroom to repeat the day I had on Day 2. #1 has a majorly nasty sounding cough and a fever. I proceed to call the sitters we had lined up to let them know the kids will not be coming... and find out that it's probably a good thing because both sitters families are sick as well.

Day 5: Our Anniversary. Hubby still not feeling well, and resolved to stay in bed no matter what so he can get better. He tells #1 that HE will be staying in bed with him because he refuses to rest in his own room, hence being sick for a week. Call third sitter to see if she still wants to take #4... her son woke up with the flu.

In the end, our wedding anniversary was spent couped up with sick kids, a sick hubby, and nothing to do.

I resolved to join the sick bed and gave myself a severe case of SWine Flu.

Ooooh, Baby You Read My Mind.

Yeah, so my husband and I have always had this uncanny knack of being able to read each others minds, finish each others sentences, say what the other is thinking, etc.

Example:

The other night we had picked up some food from the store, stuff to have mexican food for dinner, some milk for cereal in the morning, and egg nog just cause we love it.

So I'm putting the milk and egg nog into the fridge, and almost, by habit, put the egg nog on the bottom shelf of the door. That's where we keep the milk because our fridge is weird and that's the only place it wont freeze or spoil when the weather is warm, plus the kids can reach it.

I second guessed myself thinking "If I put this on the bottom shelf, someone is going to wind up putting it in cereal in the morning, I can see it now".

Turned around... and hubby starts on saying "You know, I once put egg nog in my cereal because I was out of milk."

Wow.....

The Need For Speed Is Deep

I have this habit of waiting until the absolute LAST minute to put my brakes on when I'm driving, my husband is always commenting on it and I think it's really starting to get to him.

The other night we were on our way to the hardware store to return something and were driving down a very busy road and approaching an intersection. The car in front of us was starting to slow down, I, as usual, waited until absolutely necessary and put the brakes on just in time.

Don't get me wrong, I don't resort to squealing tires and throwing my passengers around or anything, cause that's just not soccer-mom-behavior, but I do tend to wait and then slow down quite fast and then stop completely. It makes hubby nervous.

Anyway, as I'm finally slowing down, I see something out of the corner of my right eye.

Now you should note here that my husband has not driven a vehicle in almost 2 years except to maybe move to a different place in a parking lot, someones yard, etc.

Me: "Honey...... Are you trying to step on the brakes over there?"

.......

Him: Trying..... Unfortunately my foot keeps slipping on the gas instead!"

I love my husband. Even if he is a neurotic speed demon who tries to drive instinctively from the passenger seat.

Self Analyzing

I have always been an analytical person. I would spend hours in my bedroom as a young girl writing in my diary, analyzing my life, my thoughts, my feelings, trying to find the hidden meaning behind them all.

To this day I am still like that, I analyze my dreams, life experiences, I believe most dreams are symbolic, and if I pay enough attention to what they are telling me, they can help me prepare for things ahead in my life, or help me deal with things I am currently experiencing.

Some of my dreams have been quite disturbing, and leave me physically shaken when I wake from them. Thankfully my husband and his mother are both believers in dream symbols and have been able to help me understand some of what my dreams have been trying to tell me.

I'm not really sure why I'm rambling about my dreams, I'm just in the frame of mind to analyze myself.

Being self analytical has helped me through SO many hard times in my life, and is probably one of the main reasons I am still alive.

I've never really spoken much about my first marriage on here, it has been something I've wanted to address, but could never quite find the right words to express some of the things I went through. I suppose now is as good a time as any to try.

I experienced some horrendous things during my first marriage, ate for comfort, drank to escape, I was an overweight borderline alcoholic (if that's even possible). About the time I got pregnant with my 3rd child and COULDN'T drink, I began to see my life for what it REALLY was, for how bad it had gotten since the birth of my second child a few years prior. It was a reality I almost couldn't face. Through the first 5 months of the pregnancy I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.

None of my mental/emotional issues were helped along by the fact that my husband was also expecting a child with someone else. I tried so hard to save my marriage, as miserable as it was, I was always one to believe that once you marry someone, that's it. The end.

The girlfriend was in and out of the picture for a few months, and after my husband and I discovered that I was carrying twins, only one of which was living, it was a lost cause after that. He became concerned with her and the baby she was having, leaving me to mourn the loss of our child and worry about any potential hardships the remaining baby might have to deal with.

I had what I can describe as nothing short of a mental break down. I remember being curled up in a ball on our dining room floor, crying uncontrollably, wondering if life would just be better for everyone if I were dead.

The night I caught my husband and his girlfriend having sex in our bed, I lost it completely. It was about Midnight and I took off running down the road, I had no shoes on, I don't even think I took anything, I just ran out. I could hardly see where I was going for the tears I had running from my eyes, and somehow I found myself sitting on the steps of the town library, right next to the dam of a small river. About the only thing that kept me from going over the edge of the dam that night was the baby I was carrying. I knew at that moment that I could have killed myself, but I couldn't kill someone else.

Anyway, it wasn't long after all of this that I left him. He threatened my life when I was getting ready to leave, and I got a protection from abuse order on him first thing the next day. It was the best thing I ever did, because it kept me from being able to talk to him and kept him from being able to convince me to come back and let my spirit be broken more than it already had been.

First thing I did after getting myself and my kids out of that house was to sign up for adult ed. I went back to school and less than 10 months later was attending my very own graduation ceremony where I received my GED.

The ceremony was attended by my parents, grandmother, my 3 children and the boyfriend I had started seeing just a few weeks before.

That boyfriend is now my husband and together we have 4 children and life is good!

Surprise, Surprise!

I did something this week that I never imagined I would EVER do. Something I always told myself and everyone else, that I had no intention of EVER doing. Well surprise to us all! I'm going back to school.

I enrolled in a two year program to get an Associates in Foundations of Business, with the possibility of a Bachelors in the future.

I qualified for a good amount of grants and will be using student loans to cover the rest.

So lets see, from high school drop out and teenage mom to Soccer mom of 4 working on a degree in less than 10 years. Essentially, from failure to success...

I'm nervous, more about the financial side of things than anything else, but I'm gonna try not to let it get to me, I mean my first year is COVERED with the grant and student loans, it's the second year I'll have to worry about, but I've got a year to get that figured out.

I start in 2 weeks officially but have 3 workshops to complete next week, and my enrollment counselor gave me an overview of what my first assignment will be for my first 2 classes (taking them 2 at a time), so I can get started on that instead of waiting until the last minute.

My mom is all excited, my father hasn't said much, my kids said they don't WANT me to go back to school, and my husband just doesn't want me to take on more than I can handle.

Me... I am taking this opportunity to prove a LOT of people wrong. All of those people who pegged me a failure as soon as that EPT showed a + sign when I was only 17 years old. Everyone who insisted I'd never make anything out of my life. Just going back and finishing High School 7 years after dropping out wasn't enough, a College Degree will prove them ALL wrong... and it won't hurt MY situation at all. If anything, it will help my business! :)

Free Or Super Cheap Anniversary Ideas

Hubby and I had planned on getting babysitters for all 4 kids (first time anyone's taken #4!) and going out for Dinner and a Movie to celebrate our upcoming wedding anniversary.

Unfortunately, Life is a bitch.

My van started acting up over the past week or so, my check engine light is on and it's been making funny noises and acting strange. We are PRETTY sure we need to replace the spark plugs and wires, and the air filter too, it's pretty grungy from driving down a lot of dirt roads lately... oh yeah, and I'm low on Oil and Anti-Freeze as well.

PLUS, we need about $150, give or take, for some improvements at my office, and those have to be done like NOW because they involve the heating system.

So that, along with some extra expenses over the last 2 weeks around the house, and there goes hubby's extra paycheck for the month of October (5 Thursdays = Extra paycheck).

WHICH, is what I was planning on us using for our anniversary. There goes that idea right out the window, along with my Sanity if I don't get a night OUT very soon!

We had planned dinner at this quiet little Cafe in town, we are friends with one of the owners, and it's a great place, practically the center of town, EVERYONE goes there. AND, it just so happens, that we ate breakfast there together the morning we got married, so eating there on our anniversary is like a tradition that I DON'T want to break!

Our plan to see a Movie... probably not gonna happen because there's no way we can afford the gas plus the cost of a movie and you cant watch a movie without at least a little popcorn and a soda...

I could REALLY use any suggestions... Our anniversary falls on a Sunday this year, we had planned on going out to celebrate the night before, but I'm not opposed to doing something during the day on Sunday instead, since that IS our anniversary after all.... breakfast at the Cafe instead of dinner.. I just have no idea what we could do instead of seeing a movie...

How Many Water Options Does YOUR Faucet Offer?

At dinner the other night everything was pretty quiet, hubby was feeding #4 some pureed carrots, we were all eating our meal when #1 spoke up and asked plain as day...

"What is there for water?"

Hmmm....

Hubby, quick as ever, replied with "hot or cold, your choice."

Boy oh boy, it's never a dull moment in our house, haha!

The Debate Over Flirting

My previous entry, about whether or not its ok to flirt with married men/women sparked a bit of interest. Comments were left, emails were sent, tweets were twittered, etc. I have heard arguments from both perspectives.

I felt maybe I should clarify some as to what sparked the train of thought resulting in that entry.

When I was younger, I had this on again, off again boyfriend. It started way back in Grade School, we were like Cory and Topanga on the show "Boy Meets World". Best friends when we weren't "together" as well as when we were. I always seemed to be the one to break it off, but he was always there as a backup when it didn't work out for me with someone else.

About 12 years ago, due to circumstances beyond our control, we became separated by distance, a distance the length of numerous states.

A few months after his departure he wrote to me and professed his love, insisting that one day, as soon as he could, he would return and ask me to marry him.

I was in high school, nowhere near ready to be thinking about marriage, much less marrying a guy who was no longer in the same state as me, and who wouldn't be until well after high school was over. He expected me to finish high school out WITHOUT dating anyone, and just wait for him? I didn't think so.

We continued to write letters back and forth, and call to wish each other a Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas, things like that. He did come back to visit old friends and some family once or twice and we were able to see each other briefly, but that was about the extent of it.

Over time I met and fell in love with a guy, and we got engaged. I also became pregnant. This old boyfriend of mine was devastated and promptly stopped contacting me or returning my letters. I moved on, got married, and continued with my life.

After that marriage ended in divorce many years later, and I was working on rebuilding my life and old friendships that I had been forced to abandon, I found this old boyfriend on a social networking site. I had looked for him online in the past, but never was able to find him. At this time he was also going through a divorce, and ironically we had left our spouses within days of each other. He felt it was fate, that we were meant to find each other, and he told me he planned to move back as soon as his divorce was final and he wanted us to give it another try when he did.

I admit, I considered the possibility. He was, after all, my old stand by. My marriage had failed, why not fall back into my safety net?

After seriously contemplating the possibilities, I realized that, no, it couldn't happen. I had changed and grown in so many ways, not all good ways. I had lost my innocence in a number of ways since the last time we had seen each other, and when I thought of him, I thought of my innocent self. I tried to imagine what it would be like for us to be together after all the things I had been through (many of which I will never post online), and when I tried to imagine us being intimate, I realized that it couldn't happen. We were not the same 2 people we had been before, He was part of my innocence, I could never have sex with him. Not that that is the whole story, but that is about as clearly as I can ever explain it to anyone.

At the time I was considering this, I was also getting to know another man, someone I had been getting to know for many months before I found my old boyfriend on that social networking site, someone who actually lived in the same state as me. I decided to take a leap of faith and NOT go back to my safety net. I chose the road least traveled. Old BF wasn't happy about that and continued to try and convince me that we should be together.

Over time I thought he had figured out that it wasn't going to happen. Especially after I married and had a child with the man down the road least traveled. I thought I had made it clear to everyone just how blissfully happy I AM with this man. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me! My old BF even went and got married to the girl he was seeing shortly after finding out that my husband and I had gotten married. I thought it was over.

Until yesterday. I posted a status on this unnamed social networking site, and this is about how it went:

Me: Head. Pounding. Pressure. Pain. Shoot. Me. NOW.

Him: Get a massage. It always worked before.

Me: No one around to massage it for me and me doing it isn't working... hubby is still at work and has his class tonight. And.... WOW..... I haven't seen you in like 10 years and you remember that?

Him: Some things are way too good to forget.

Me: (Trying to avoid where the conversation appeared to be going) Good point.... on the other hand, there are all those things you wish you COULD forget but you can't.

Him: There are a lot of things that I never have been able to forget about.

Me: (Not sure what to say) I believe you.

Him: I miss you.

Now... I really didn't know what to say after that, so I dropped it, went offline completely.

I talked to hubby about it that evening and he said that if he were in the same shoes as that guy, and it was his old GF posting about having a headache, and he wasn't with me... he would feel as if HE should be there to help her through the headache... that by keeping him on my friends list, I am in essence, leading him on.

Should I just remove him completely? I hate to seem like a bitch, I mean he and I have been friends since like 2nd or 3rd grade, and we are nearly into our 30's now! That's a LONG time to be friends with someone, a lot of history. I hate the idea of being rude to people, because I'm just NOT the bitch type, unless I HAVE to be... so the question is...

Do I have to be a bitch?

Is It Ok To Flirt With A Married Man/Woman?

Contemplating: Is infidelity so commonplace these days that people feel it's really "OK" to flirt with a clearly happily married person? I mean sure, you may be attracted to the person, or you may have "been there first", but they are married... MARRIED, you know, emphasis on that nasty M word right there... Whether they are happy or not, I just don't feel that that is ok...

When a person marries someone, they are committing themselves to THAT person, not leaving themselves open for someone like YOU to begin or even continue the flirting, suggestive comments, or even eyeing them in any way, shape or form.

Once that marriage license is signed and someone's name gets changed (or not as the case may be), you need to respect the life decision that has been made, and back off...

Nuff Said.

New Hair!

Quick post, I got my haircut, and LOVE it! I was nervous, SO nervous, and had my friend come over to cut it while hubby was gone so he couldn't talk me out of going short.

It's shorter than I had planned but It is so awesome!!!!

#4 wasn't quite sure what to think, being a baby when Mom, who supplies the FOOD, makes a drastic change to her looks... it can be a bit confusing, especially when she still SMELLS the same, so I got strange looks from her for the first day or so, but I think she has come around. She actually smiles when she sees me now!

Hubby wasn't sure what to think at first, he wouldn't even look at me for more than 2 seconds at a time for the first day, but after he had a chance to adjust to it, and it relaxed some he has decided that he really does like it after all. Which makes me happy, I was worried he was going to absolutely hate it and then I'd feel really bad. He keeps joking that "it will grow back some day" but he says he really does like it :)

ECHO... Echo... echo...

I know, I know, it's been a couple weeks since I've posted anything, sorry about that, been dealing with baby ear infections, doctors appointments, birthday parties, and work stuff, it left little time for FUN stuff like blogging.

Today I am a little nervous, I'm getting a haircut this afternoon. I haven't had a cut since January, and it was just a trim at that point. This cut will be quite the change, a good 6 inches or so at least. After 2 1/2 years the blonde hairdye is all but 2 inches grown out, this cut will completely eliminate all traces of the haircolor I had when I met my husband... and will be the first time in 13 or 14 years that my hair will be completely its original color.

Here's a few things that happened over the last week or 2 when I wasn't able to be here blogging:

• I learned, after being pinched mercilessly by an Earwig (Pincher bug) and doing lots of research on them, that NO, Earwigs do not STING you, they inject no poison, but they DO pinch and when they do that they don't let go and it FUCKING HURTS! EARWIGS SUCK AT LIFE!
  
• I became a soccer mom officially... Cleats, Shin guards, soccer practice, the whole nine-yards. SCORE! (so to speak)
  
• We SUCCESSFULLY hosted an Army theme birthday party, was very cool and hubby made an awesome cake (See picture above), there were about 12 kids here ages ranging from Newborn to 13, and not a SINGLE issue at all... We Rock!
• We took the kids to pick apples last night, bought 2 bushels so we can make and can apple sauce and apple slices (for pies and stuff through the winter). Yummy and Domestimacated!
• We got the "All Clear" from the urologist! Hubby is officially shootin' blanks, which means I don't have to worry about Sleep Sex! Now if only we had the TIME for sex.

Now... back to the real world for a bit, got work to do and errands to complete before it's time for my haircut... I may post pictures of the end results, or I may not... Yet one more reason for you to come back tomorrow!

If You're So Unhappy, Why Don't You Leave?

This is something that has driven me absolutely crazy, I see girls every day, have a few friends who deal with this crap daily almost and I HATE seeing them dealing with it... Unhappy Relationships.

I have been there, the unhappy, emotionally abusive, loveless marriage/relationship, so I know how hard it is to see whats going on right in front of you when you're IN that situation, and even when people try pointing things out to you, and all you can do is make excuses, and tell everyone "oh things aren't THAT bad, this doesn't happen very often, it was just because...... ________" Fill in the blank with reason of your choice why you're being treated like crap.

Men that are immature, lazy, disrespectful, and have "king-of-the-castle" mentality, "It's MY way or the Highway". SO many girls fall for these guys, fool themselves into thinking they are happy, and spend EVERY day complaining about things these men do.

For Example (and these are REAL things girls I know have said) -

* "He hasn't done ONE thing for the baby since he was born."
* "He doesn't respect me at all, I never feel like I'm wanted or needed."
* "He watches porn on the computer and then doesn't understand when I have no interest in sex."
* "He expects me to keep the house clean and take care of the kids all day, have dinner ready, and then doesn't care when I need a break in the evening and want him to help out with the kids."
* "All he ever does is sit in front of the TV playing video games all day."

Seriously girls, if you have SO many complaints about these guys, then WHY the hell are you still with them?!?!?!

Here are some excuses I've heard -

* "I love him."
* "We have kids together."
* "He's a great dad."
* "I have nowhere to go."
* "I'm afraid to leave and be on my own."
* "I don't have any way to support myself and the kids."
* "We are staying together for the kids."

SAD... There are ways around all of these... And chances are, yes, life will be hard, being a single parent is no fun (been there, done that) but there ARE people and places out there that WILL help you! In the end, it's PROBABLY better for ALL of you (ESPECIALLY any kids involved) if you DO separate...

Well, either get a clue and leave the idiot you're with, or shut up and deal with your misery instead of dragging EVERY one of your friends into the middle of it, cause honestly, we love you, we want you to be happy, that's why we TRY to help you when you're upset because of something idiot-boy said or did, but you never listen to us. It's quite obvious that EVERY time you come crying about the most recent incident that you are LOOKING for a way out, but whenever we TRY to help you get one, you make excuses and don't take it.

Sorry to sound like a bitch, but that's how it is.

You Never Stop Needing Your Mom

Mom: You crack me up.

Me: I do?

Mom: After 4 kids, you still ask me for advice, however, its been 15 years since I've had a baby

Me: Well, my other kids never gave me trouble about taking medication. (Baby has an ear infection)

Mom: I think its sweet... You still need me. Of course... I'm not sure how much help I really am, but I try.

Blog Makeover

So Ive been playing around with the layout, look, etc of my blog for DAYS and DAYS and DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.... still have some more tweaking to do until I'm completely happy... but it is what it is, what do you think?

Everything Happens For A Reason

You ever notice how some things just seem to happen, no matter how off the wall it seems to be, shortly after you think about the possibility of it happening?

For example, The most embarrassing email I ever sent (it's a link, click it), I happened to be thinking to myself "wouldn't it suck if this got sent to the wrong person? I'd better be careful."

And then there was the time the inspection sticker on my car ran out, but I needed new tires before I could get a new one, and I still had to pick the hubby up from work and was SO paranoid I'd get pulled over, I wound up seeing more cops that first day than ever before.

It kind of goes along with my belief in Karma (what goes around, comes around) and that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that no matter how bad things really seem to be, if you remain positive, things will work out for you. All you have to do is believe it will happen and focus on the end result you'd like to see.

For instance, our financial situation, not so great. We do what we can, but you know, things happen. We recently had a week where things were so tight, we had no money for gas, the bank account was overdrawn, and we were missing at least one thing to make a meal out of any combination of food in the cupboards. We did our best to stay positive and take things a day at a time, and after just a day or two things turned around. I had some new customers in my store, which provided gas money, and in the mail we got some coupons from a local company for $20 worth of groceries of our choice, on them. A gift for the new baby. Thinking back to needing tires to get the car inspected, hubby got a bid on a roofing job and the extra money bought our tires.

Every day I am reminded that it all works out if you just believe, and I hope that my readers have the same positive experience with their outlook on life.

Stupid Things People Say In Court

• Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
• Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
• Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
• Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Courtesy of: http://rinkworks.com/said/courtroom.shtml

Mommy, Can I Have Some Tea?

So #3 and I were practicing the alphabet this morning while I was getting #4 dressed. We are going along, I'm saying the letters and then she is repeating them, until JUST about the end, then this is how it went:

"Q"

"Q"

"R"

"R"

"S"

"S"

"T"

"Mommy, I have some Tea?"

"U"

"No, YOU get it"

LOL that kid is something else alright...

Am I Soccer Mom Material?

My two boys both just brought me Soccer sign up sheets that they got in school today, and they BOTH want to sign up...

All I could think was HOLY MONEY THIS IS GONNA BE EXPENSIVE!

BUT, it says the fees will be determined by the number of athletes signed up and WON'T exceed $30

Guess I'll have to talk to the hubby about this tonight.

Will You Pee In A Cup For My Friend?

So I'm getting ready for work this morning, and the phone rings, it's my business ring so I figure it's either a customer or a telemarketer (that's the only number of our 2 that is listed so telemarketers and survey people call that one). I look at the caller ID and it's a customer, probably asking if I'm open yet, so I answer, This is about the gist of our conversation:

Her: "Hey, you know, you're one of only 2 people I know around here who aren't like a total Crack Whore or something" (and I'm thinking like "oh cool, I've managed to avoid the local stereo type!")

Me: "Ok, yeah" (laughing)

Her: "So I have an ODD request, I have this friend who is on probation, and she has to see her probation officer and she needs someone to pee in a cup for her..." (Ummmm....... seriously?)

Me: (Stumped and stalling for time) "What exactly are they testing her for?" (Racking my brain for an excuse NOT to break the law, without totally pissing this chick off cause I don't know her very well and she's a good customer, and I need the money, LOL!)

Her: "Oh, things like Pot, Coke, Opiates, stuff like that."

Me: (IDEA!) "Oh, shit, I don't think I can... I'm on some prescription pain killers." (SHIT, remembering this chick used to work in a Drs office.... racking my brain for a name)

Her: "Oh, which one?"

Me: (Finally thinking of something I DO have a prescription for) "Tylenol 3, I don't think the test would come out clean cause it has Codeine in it."

Her: "Shit, you're right"

Me: "Sorry!"

Her: (Laughing) "It's ok, Thanks anyway!"

--------

Ummm. WOW! I immediately called my mom to tell her about that one, LOL. My husband is gonna have a fucking BLAST with this one LMAO...!

Comments Are Fixed...

I was wondering why I had NO comments on ANY of my blogs, when I CLEARLY have been receiving traffic! I check my stats multiple times a day once a week just to keep track of how much I'm getting and where it comes from, and KNEW people were staying and visiting for fairly long periods of time, reading at least a few posts, but no one was commenting.

Then on twitter I received a message from @Kiki_Mo (from Thystle Says) telling me she had tried to comment but couldn't. Hmm... Strange...

I have been sick since Friday, and getting the kiddos ready to go back to school today (Oh, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SEPTEMBER!!!!), so hadn't had a chance to look into things.

Finally did, fixed the problem, tested it out, and YAY! I have comments!

Product Review: St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub

No, I am NOT being paid or compensated in ANY way to post this opinion on St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub.

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Now that we have the formalities out of the way:

I LOVE IT!

Now, I'm typically an avid Avon user, but have been looking for a good exfoliant for awhile and hadn't found one through Avon yet (I AM associated with an Avon Independent Sales Rep. who provides for all of my Avon needs - Click the word Avon anywhere in this post and check out her site - so even though I appreciate any potential offers, I am already covered, thanks!)

Back to my story...

I got this and another St. Ives product from one of those Sample people (you know, like in Walmart Supercenters and SAMs club and places like that) and was excited to try this especially (the other was a Collagen Elastin moisturizer and Avon already has me covered in that department!), I have loved all the St. Ives products I have tried in the past (though there was a peel off face masque that caused my face to turn bright red... BUT I think that's cause I was pregnant... hormones you know), Anyway, I tried this in the shower last night, and my face feels GREAT! Immediately after I rinsed it off, my skin felt SOOOOOOOO smooth, it was awesome, I can't wait to try it again! Thankfully it wasn't a little dinky sample pack or something, it was an actual tube of it, possibly even full size.

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Here's the details from their site:

Brighten Up. Your face comes first, and when it looks great, you do too. St. Ives Fresh Skin products - formulated from ingredients you know, like apricots, minerals and olives - give you the power to uncover your best you - naturally revealing fresh, glowing skin.

Invigorating Apricot Scrub

Exfoliates to reveal smooth, radiant skin

From America's #1 Scrub brand*, this award-winning Apricot Scrub deep cleans, instantly leaving skin smooth and glowing.

• Oil Free
• Non-Irritating
• Dermatologist Tested
• 100% Natural Exfoliants
• 100% Natural Extracts
• Formulated without Parabens and Phthalates
• Made without animal ingredients
• Not tested on animals

how to use

Moisten face with water. Dispense product onto fingertips and massage over face. Rinse with water. Avoid direct contact with eyes. In case of contact with eyes, flush thoroughly with water. For best results use 3 to 4 times per week.

*IRI F/D/M all outlet unit sales 52 wks ended 11/23/08.

Sleep Sex

I was browsing some blogs I found recently and got hooked on this one called "Thystle Says", going down through some of her blog entries, I come across this one:

Thystle Says: What the? (Click it, it's a link, just doesn't look like one!)

Talking about Ambien and the side effects, and I quote:

"Ambien has warnings like "may result in amnesia". No shit. Among reported side effects are "sleep eating" (not awesome) "sleep driving" (kind of awesome) "sleep sex" (awesome for the spouse) and so on. Basically, if you were doing it, or even thinking very hard about it when you fall asleep, you run the risk of doing it while you sleep.

And not remembering it."

And I posted a comment:

"Sleep sex... I can do that without Ambien! That's how my husband and I had sex the first time LOL! No seriously, now I may have to go blog that story... right now..." (Quoting myself, that's great!)

So here I am, blogging the story..

I won't go into all the details of what happened BEFORE the first weekend we spent together, but let's leave it at, we had never had sex (It's TRUE!)

So we made plans to spend the weekend together at my house (it was a long distance relationship, which probably contributed to the lack of adult activities), and the first night we had dinner (or he did anyway, I was still anxious about eating in front of him so I starved), watched a movie, listened to some music, and then it was bedtime.

He was all ready to sleep on the couch, but let's be honest here, my couch was REALLY old and had about 2 inch thick padding with PLYWOOD underneath (second hand of course, and smelled like the storage unit it had been in too), so I said "No, don't be silly, I have a KING SIZE bed, you can sleep in the bed with me, I'm not gonna make you sleep on THAT."

So we went to bed.

And we went to sleep.

Sure, there was some cuddling, but that's it!

About 4am the next morning, I wake-up, and we are TOTALLY going at it!

Apparently he had the same wake-up call I did.

Since then, we have mastered Sleep Sex, and let me say once again:

THANK GOD FOR VASECTOMIES!

Swagbucks Just Provided Us With FREE Birthday Presents!

I have been using this awesome search engine called Swagbucks for a few months now.... Before summer started I was able to use some of the Amazon.com gift cards I had gotten by redeeming the Swagbucks I earned to buy the kids these things called Bakugans. Something along the lines of Yu-Gi-Oh, or Pokemon, a trading card game with a cartoon and toys, etc. I never really did get the whole gist of it, but the kids really got into the whole thing... for about a week.

I am still randomly stepping on those damn Bakugan balls in the middle of the night!

BUT, back to the whole point of my story, this Site is AWESOME. I have set them as the default search engine in my browser, and also as my homepage, so when I want to visit a new site, I just type the name of the site into the search bar and go. Find the site in the search results and occasionally get myself some swag bucks in the process. After you have earned enough Swagbucks you can go to the Swag Store and redeem them for all kinds of cool things like gift cards or even actual items from all kinds of different categories. It's great stuff!

I usually redeem my swagbucks for Amazon.com gift cards and then use them to buy things we need or just plain want, that aren't in the regular household budget. We haven't needed anything lately so my gift cards have just been stacking up waiting to be used.

Things are tight lately and we have birthdays coming up over the next few months, as well as Christmas, so I just thought "Hey, why not use my Gift Cards and Swagbucks to get some gifts!" I was able to fill in the gaps to cover all the birthdays we have coming up that we hadn't purchased for yet, and at the rate things are going, I should be able to cover a good number of Christmas gifts using my Swagbucks and gift cards as well!

Childhood Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression and ADHD

A little background: #1 has had behavioral and mental health issues for a number of years, they really started to become prominent right around his 5th birthday, by the time he was 5 1/2 I had had him evaluated for ADHD because he was acting hyperactive and talking about hearing voices. The evaluation went well and he was diagnosed with an Anxiety disorder and they said they saw no signs of ADHD. Well that was alright I suppose, but how do you deal with Anxiety in a 5 year old, especially when you're dealing with your own anxiety and depression issues and your whole family is going through major changes and you feel like you're completely up in the air, unsure where you will land?

3 years later, he is 8 years old, we have struggled the last few years with lots more turmoil, though a lot more stability and structure as well. We have had case management who have helped us get multiple therapists for him (individual as well as family therapy), a behavioral health professional, etc. It got to the point where he had a total melt down and was hospitalized because his actions were putting himself and other family members in danger.

It was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through as a mother.

He was there for nearly 2 weeks, and they put him on Prozac for the Anxiety and Depression he had been diagnosed with previously that their psychiatrist confirmed from what he could see.

There is a strong family history of Bipolar and I had been concerned about that for a few months previous because of some of his actions, I mentioned this to his last therapist and she basically told me that bipolar is a made up condition used as a diagnosis when there's no clear explanation for someone's behavior. FRUSTRATING!

I brought this up to the staff when he was hospitalized and they kept note of it, and I also spoke to their psychiatrist about it, though he only met with my son once or twice.

Since being released the Prozac stopped working, and the psychiatrist my son is seeing now said that that, along with the way I have described his behaviors over the past few weeks (similar melt downs to before he was on meds at all), makes her believe he may have a mood disorder. She said he is too young to be diagnosed Bipolar, but they can put him on Medication to help stabilize his moods and gave me some samples of Abilify (the same medication my step sibling was on for bipolar at age 13).

She also brought up the possibility of ADHD, even though I have had him diagnosed in the past, she said it wouldn't hurt to consider a re-evaluation, or to try him on ADHD meds down the road to see what happens, as it typically goes along with mood disorders.

I didn't think it was even possible that he might have ADHD until yesterday I completely by accident came across this entry on Mommy Needs Therapy... Or A Glass Of Wine - a blog I follow on Blogger - and she talked about a new behavior program... well I will quote her:

"We are implementing a new behavior program with Noah and I'm going to be blogging about it on a new site I'm setting up. Stay tuned for more information! This a big deal for our family and I'm very excited to be working with Debra Sale Wendler the Respect Effect Mom. I met her on Twitter as @adhdparenting. So far I'm very impressed with the program even though it is a lot of work and at times it scares the hell out of me because it's making ME change a lot about myself and how I parent. So seriously, stay tuned!"

I clicked the link to Respect Effect Mom and the FIRST entry on her blog talked about "unofficial red flag ADHD alerts you rarely hear mentioned" and as I started reading through this list I was like OMG THAT'S MY KID!

So I signed up on her site http://www.adhdparentingtips.com/ and Here's hoping for success!

Amish Macaroni Salad

This weekend was SO hot and muggy! We decided to take the kids to the beach, It was MUCH cooler there, and not nearly as sunny because of the heavy Sea Fog that stayed close to the ground.

We had made the decision in the morning to go to the beach that evening after I closed the store, so the husband made a LARGE lunch to hold us over until our late dinner that night after we got home from the beach.

Lunch consisted of Chicken Nuggets, Amish Macaroni Salad (a first time thing for us, it was premade from the store and given to us by a friend), and Deep Fried Potato Cakes (Fried in Canola Oil).

I opted for no potato cakes as I recently figured out that Canola Oil causes my Gallbladder attacks, and after tasting the Amish Macaroni Salad and deciding it tasted ok, but I would prefer my homemade macaroni salad that I had leftover in the fridge from the day before. So Hubby, Kids #1 & #3 had the Amish Macaroni Salad with their potato cakes and chicken nuggets, I had Chicken nuggets and my macaroni salad and#2 had Chicken nuggets and potato cakes because he didn't like the Amish macaroni salad.

I know, it seems like I'm rambling.

On the way to the beach, we took the long way, I like to explore different routes to different places in the area, as I have only lived here for 2 years and want to know the area as well as my husband does.

Along the way hubby starts talking about how he thinks he should have stayed inside after lunch and that he thinks being outside in the heat after such a large meal has made him sick to his stomach.

About 20 minutes into our trip #1 starts complaining that he feels sick. No big surprise, he is prone to motion sickness when in vehicles for long periods of time, so I pulled over and he does his thing beside the road. We backtrack some to the store we had just passed and picked up drinks for everyone. He seems fine after this.

We get to the beach, have a great time, the kids are awesome, and we vow to DEFINITELY return to this beach again in the future as it is Sandy, near home, and NOT crowded!

When we get home from the beach, half the kids are sleeping, hubby takes the baby out, the boys wake up and get out, and I get in the van to get #3 out of her carseat. She is asleep, so I wake her up and get her out and she's fussy, which is typical of a toddler who has just been woken up, and shes wet cause she had an accident, plus her sandals are full of sand from the beach, so I'm trying to get her into the house and she stops in the middle of the driveway and throws up... OH BOY... I yell to hubby and he doesn't hear me. After she's done, I try to get her to walk some more to get her into the house, and as we come around the van she stops and bends over and throws up again.... FUN STUFF.

I FINALLY get her in the house, and it dawns on me... Hubby wasn't feeling well, #1 threw up on the way to the beach, and #3 is throwing up now, and if I remember seeing remnants of Macaroni in the driveway after she was done.

It clicks that they all had the Amish Macaroni Salad.... the rest of us... who AREN'T sick... Didn't.

I mention to hubby that maybe it went bad in the fridge, we've been having some trouble with it not staying cold enough, it needs a new part, something we are saving up for. He agrees its a possibility. I take it out of the fridge to smell it and see if it SMELLS bad... it smells fine to me, and when I close the cover I notice the expiration date... August 16, 2009.... This all was happening on August 22, 2009....

Guess that explains it.

Most Embarrassing Email You Ever Sent?

So I participated in a radio show this morning, people were calling in about the most embarrassing email they ever sent. There were a lot of them, about sending nude photos to the boss, venting about the boss and accidentally sending it to the boss instead of coworkers, etc.

Mine on the other hand wasn't an email but an instant message, a few years ago when I was trying out the online dating thing... I was talking to 2 different guys at the same time and was having a hard time deciding which way to go, but hey, I was pretty newly single and wasn't in any rush to decide...

I was chatting with both guys one night and a friend of mine as well, Guy #1 and I were having a really nice conversation and Guy #2 was flirting and being his normal pervy self. I went and copied the conversation Guy #1 and I were having, and went to my task bar at the bottom of the screen to open the messenger box to my best friend, Clicked her name, and without hesitating pasted and sent the conversation. About 5 seconds later I realized that instead of HER message box popping up, it had brought up the message box of Guy #2.

Needless to say, Guy #2 wasn't in the picture much longer, and Guy #1 is now my husband :)

What Do I Do?

So I'm having a rough day, my oldest son is being very defiant, and even took off today on his bike, saying he was running away (I knew he wouldn't so wasn't too worried, and wasn't surprised when about 15 minutes later he called from my sister in law's house crying wanting to come home).

I don't think his meds are working for him, he is on 10mg of Prozac every morning, and it was working really well for awhile, he was like a whole new kid, calm, accepting, and generally, well, normal. But over time the meds seem to be losing their potency and he is going back to his old ways.

I know I have never posted about his old ways, but let's just say, you don't want to know a kid like that. There have been days when I was sure he was either going to kill himself or someone else, and I just don't know how to deal with him when he gets like this!

I have had one counselor tell me she thinks hes got some Cognitive Delays, but he has had evaluations, both psychological and developmental and no one noticed any signs of that. I have researched it on my own and I think she's full of shit and just can't stand to be wrong.

Days like today I feel like a complete failure as a mother, I wasn't able to protect my child from whatever it was that happened to him, whatever has caused this anxiety, depression and general behavior problems. My child talks about killing himself, when he is being punished, He tells me that the reason he can't go play outside is because I am afraid he's going to kill someone... HOW do you process something like that? HOW do you DEAL with something like that? WHAT IN THE WORLD am I supposed to do?

I have spent the better part of today crying, and wishing there was someone else that could deal with him because I just can't do it anymore. I love all four of my kids, but I feel as though I have done everything I CAN do, there is nothing else LEFT for me to do! I just don't know what to do

About The Author

I figured since I have been blogging for awhile, you might want to know a little more about me since I haven't really said too much... So let's proceed to the 4 letter words!

Love: I have a wonderful husband who is supportive in everything that I do, in all the years we have been together, we have never once had a fight, he is the picture of a perfect husband and father. He works 40 hours a week outside of the home, comes home in the evening, helps with dinner and housework, spends time with me and plays with the kids, and never makes me feel less than worthy even when I'm having a hard time keeping up, he just takes up the slack and helps me get back to normal.

Kids: I have Four, two daughters and two sons, the perfect balance that I always dreamed of. They are all spaced 2-3 years apart, so you can imagine the extreme variety in what we are dealing with! From Diapers to the Tooth Fairy, Coloring Books to Homework.

Diet: I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, the result of which is a bit of a weight problem associated with eating for comfort, as well as only eating convenience foods. Since my husband and I have been together he has introduced me to a much healthier diet, that almost completely eliminates High Fructose Corn Syrup (because lets face it, that stuff just ain't good for ya!) and lots of other nasty stuff. All of our meat is purchased at a local grocery where the owner is very careful about not selling meat that has been injected with dyes, saline solutions, or raised on artificial growth hormones. We eat many more vegetables than I ever had growing up and even grow our own when possible. As for convenience foods, you really won't find any in our house, almost everything we eat is home made, we even bake our own breads whenever possible!

Work: Ahh, yes, we knew this was coming, because really, you'll be hard pressed to find a blog out there on the world wide web that doesn't mention some money making scheme, LOL! Ok, seriously, I really do work. I am self employed, I run a store that is located right next to my house, I literally walk about 10 steps to work every day! I won't say what I sell because that's a whole other blog, and it IS out there, if you can find it LOL! There are SOME things I do online to make money as well, such as Yuwie, Clixsense and Swagbucks. I will post more about those later, but I will give you a brief bit now... between the three of them I have made well over $150 and yes, I have been paid... Yuwie pays via Paypal or Check, Clixsense pays via check and Swagbucks you redeem for Gift Cards (I always get Amazon.com cards)

13 Things That Have Pissed Me Off Today:

1. It's Hot
2. It's Muggy
3. The kids wont listen
4. The phone wont stop ringing
5. My bank account is overdrawn
6. One of my customers can't pay for her order
7. There's practically no food in the house
8. It's raining
9. My shop is a disaster
10. Kids wont stay out of stuff
11. Kids wont get along
12. No matter how much I clean, my house is a mess
13. I know when my husband gets home from work, he's gonna be in a pissy mood too.
    

Tweet, Tweet, TWEET!

So I've been hearing about Twitter and Tweeting and all of that good stuff for awhile now, and finally decided to check it out... You can see my tweets Here

Creating a Budget

This has been a LONG ongoing process for our family over the past few years, Originally we did just fine just paying bills whenever they came in and spending money on things we needed, when we needed it. We had that inflated sense of "we may not be rich but we can afford to live fairly comfortably".

Then, about 2 years ago, some things happened. I won't go into details what, but the husband was out of work for about a month. He was able to use his Vacation time to cover the loss of paychecks during that month, but vacation time doesn't take into consideration the amount of overtime he was receiving for all the hours he was usually working, so we started getting behind on bills, our regular bills as well as a few temporary extras we had incurred.

I took over paying the bills because although the husband always paid them, he rarely paid them on time, so there were overdue fees that began to stack up, not to mention not paying close attention to how much money was in the bank, plus some other details, causing overdraft fees (it took us about a year before we realized that at Key Bank, they don't process transactions in the order they happen... They take the ENTIRE days worth of Deductions, calculate those against your beginning balance, appoint any overdraft fees, and THEN they credit you any deposits... So even if you know you have say $5 and want to make a $10 purchase, and transfer the money from another account BEFORE making the purchase, you're still gonna get an overdraft fee for that purchase because the BEGINNING balance was still less than that deduction....) Oh how much money we lost because of them...

Anyway the budget I came up with worked out well for awhile, but then for a number of different reasons it stopped working for us, and we have been struggling for more than a year to try and figure something out that would.

Recently my mother suggested Sending out Weekly payments for the bills, she said that's what she's been doing and it seems a LOT more manageable and makes those LARGE numbers seem SO much smaller...

It has taken me some time to be able to get this started, but you know, I'm getting tired of getting those disconnect notices because I have a bit of an overdue balance and then am late sending the most recent payment out... So I got to work on it, I figure there are SOME bills I cant SEND weekly, like the Mortgage and the Kirby (yes, we have one of those SUPER expensive and really awesome, totally worth the $1200 vacuums LOL), and then there's the car insurance and the Netflix. All of those except for the Mortgage are automatically deducted from our account.

I figured out that for the month, our Bills come to approximately $1,329.69 (all of those are rounded up except the mortgage which is exactly $475 and Netflix is $14.69). Which divided by 4 weeks, is $332.42, which is a bit less than the husbands weekly paycheck... TOTALLY doable... I have a bit of income myself that we can use for Groceries and Gas, so this could work!

I created a list in my notebook that has all of our monthly bills, how much they are each month (all estimated and rounded up to make things easier and to help us get ahead), and made a column for how much they each will cost each week. Then I started out by scheduling 2 bills, one is for just $5 a week and the other is for $100 a week (the $100 is temporary as we have a past due balance, and I will be readjusting the amount to between $25 and $50 in a few months). After I scheduled those 2 weekly payments, I figured out which bills are already deducted from our bank account automatically, such as the Kirby and Car Insurance and Netflix. I ran the figures again and scheduled another small weekly payment ($10 a week) and now I am waiting to see how things go. We have a disconnect notice on one bill that I haven't scheduled yet, I have another week before the disconnection and after the husbands paycheck goes into the bank today and the scheduled payments go out tomorrow I will figure what we have available, make the necessary payment to get rid of the threat of disconnection, and then schedule the weekly payments of $25 to begin next week. Then there are just 2 more payments that need to be scheduled, Mortgage and Credit Card, and I will be waiting to make sure that everything goes smoothly with the already scheduled payments before I schedule those.

IF this works out the way I think it should, this will give us approximately $450 a month for Groceries and Gas, sometimes more, which is completely reasonable using coupons and Gas Rewards from Shaw's!

You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me...

11 Hours Of Home Improvements

Yesterday was a VERY busy day in our household, Sunday's are my ONE day off from my job, I know, my boss is such a bitch making me work 6 whole days a week, for 6, sometimes more hours a day - What a Slave Driver!

Instead of taking the "day off" like you would expect, my husband and I decided that we needed to put forth some brute force to clean and de-clutter our house. #1 is currently away from home, #'s 2&3 were able to help some, and well #4 was nice enough to not scream and want to eat all day, so between nursings I was able to help hubby clean.

Things we managed to do:

• Dishes
• 4 or 5 Loads of Laundry
• Cleaned #2's Bedroom (Complete with sorting his clothes, refolding and organizing his dresser and weeding out clothes that no longer fit - note to self, he needs more pants, hes down to 2 pairs)
• Cleaned #1's Bedroom completely out, so that we could cover the walls and floor with white primer (to prepare for actual painting, and finally completing the project started nearly a year ago of building him his own room)
• Cleaned the room shared by #'s 3&4 - Washing bedding, washing down #3's mattress (shes potty training), sorting clothes, and organizing dressers, weeding out clothes that no longer fit (#3's hand me downs were put into a tote for #4 to grow into and #3's hand me downs were put into a bag to give to my cousin as I absolutely need NO girls clothes for store inventory at this point in time!)
• 2 Trips to the transfer station (Recycling center/Dump) With about 4 more bags prepared for a trip next weekend plus whatever we will come up with through-out the week
• Cleaned OUR room & our TINY little closet that seems to wind up storing EVERYTHING except our clothing (Trying to figure that one out still!)
• Cleaned the Hallway (that had been storing bags and boxes up the Wah-Zoo of who knows what for months

After sorting through all of these places and things and going to the transfer station we managed to organize things somewhat. Got some of the Christmas & Halloween decorations that had been in storage totes in the hall way up into the closet on the 3rd floor that HAD been housing some of the husband's tools for work. We went through all the blankets in the Mini Closet the two of us are expected to share, got some ready for Freecycle (Note To Self: Post those on Freecycle after posting blog), weeded those down to one spare blanket for each bed in the house with an extra blanket and pillow for company, plus special blankets like the ones my mother made and the Quilt my Great-Grandmother made for me, put those all into a large tote in the third floor closet with the Holiday decorations. I finally went through my Trunk and 3 boxes of BOOKS, I even found some I HAVEN'T READ YET (Hallelujah, there are BOOKS to be read!) I loaded up the trunk with books to put in the store (things I've already read and have no desire to save or things I have no desire to read) and saved out one large overflowing box full of books that I must NEVER part with (Ahhh, Love me some Stephen King, James Patterson and V.C. Andrews!), after I read those unread ones that caught my eye I will decide if they are to become Inventory or Collection.

2 Bags included in our trip to the Transfer Station were FULL of clothes from the donation I received to the store last week... I love free stuff, especially when I can make money off it, but there were about 4 boxes of clothes, that all smell musty and old... A few very old dresses, like from the 60's and 70's maybe that I will be donating to the local theater for costumes, but 90% of the clothes that came in are so old and outdated that I doubt I'd ever be able to sell them, and these people probably knew that which is why they were planning to just take them to Goodwill and happened to think of my store first, which is great, but seriously, now I get stuck with the job of disposing of their trash LOL! At least I got some cool knick-nacks and stuff that I'm pretty sure I'll be able to sell at some point, and some nice stuff I'm keeping for the family as well!

Now, off to make phone calls to doctors to schedule checkups.

When Do Parents Have Time For Sex?

Seriously, I don't think I remember the last time my husband and I had sex. I know it was sometime in the last year cause well, it's been a year since our youngest child was conceived, but after that fact, I can't honestly tell you anymore.

I may have to do something to rectify the situation, which probably means it will happen when we are completely exhausted, and so neither of us will enjoy it all that much, but at least no one can say we aren't trying!

Are All Work At Home Mom's Lazy?

Now seriously, please, answer me this. There are certain people I have the misfortune of associating myself with that seem to believe that because my work and home share a driveway that I must be able to "just take a day off" and go do whatever, whenever I (or should I say THEY) deem it necessary.

Yes, I work from the same property my residence is at, which TECHNICALLY makes me a work at home mom. My work is TECHNICALLY outside of the house though, as this was once a garage, so I guess all of our Technicalities are slightly off-kilter and we should probably try to synchronize them.

Let me start the process by explaining to you that I AM A WORK AT HOME MOM, THEREFORE I WORK!!! Emphasis on that nasty 4 letter word right there, but yes, I DO work!

I am available to kiss booboo's, change diapers, make lunch, put toddlers down kicking and screaming for their naps, cuddling babies, playing legos and all the other good stuff that requires doing during the day like laundry and other household necessities, BUT that does NOT mean I am available to get in the car at any hour during the day to drive to the park or the playground or hell, an HOUR away to visit you, my NON-working STAY AT HOME mother of THREE who lives with her brother and spends her days on the computer playing the applications on Myspace, who could just as easily, if not EASIER, pack up her kids and drive to MY house.

I WORK. Plain and simple. The location where this work takes place is completely irrelevant because the fact that Monday through Saturday from 10am to 4:30pm I AM WORKING, so stop asking me to "just take a day off" and go do this or that with you unless YOU want to fork over the money needed to finish paying bills and buying clothes and all that extra stuff, after my husbands weekly paycheck is drained on groceries and OTHER bills.

Thank you for understanding!

Note To Self...

Do not take an alternate route to pick the husband up from work without discussing this idea with him first, because whatever day you decide to take this alternate route will inevitably be the day that you are unknowingly 2 hours late to pick the husband up from work, and will miss the husband walking home from work along your normal route because you have taken this alternate route.

Another note, Do not leave #2 unattended in the house because when you do so he will inevitably unplug the phone so you do not receive various phone calls from the husband to tell you that you are 2 hours late picking him up from work.