Depression

Note of Disclaimer: This blog post was written while under the influence of cheap rum and cheap soda. I have read this message sober and believe it is ok to post. If I come across as extremely harsh in this message, well, blame it on the alcohol and depression.... both of which appear to be gone for the time being. Fingers crossed the depression stays gone and the alcohol just stops by for occasional visits :)
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I have been struggling with myself for days, trying to decide whether or not to blog. I haven't posted anything in a few weeks because life has been really crazy here.

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. This is the first time in nearly 4 years that I have had any severe depression issues, and I was completely unprepared for it. I really don't know what caused it, but things really started going down hill noticeably after our anniversary... or lack thereof.

In my last entry I wrote about all of the things I have going on, and really, none of that has changed. I'm super busy, the kids are super stressful, money is super tight, and then on top of that, throw the Holidays into the mix, and it's just harder and harder to deal with every day.

We made plans specifically to stick around home this year for Thanksgiving because this is the first year since we have been together that my three older children were not court ordered to be "somewhere else" for 4 hours on Thanksgiving, so we did not HAVE to travel. So instead of spending the holiday with my family, as we usually do, we decided to spend the holiday with hubbys family.

Wednesday we get the call that Thanksgiving at sister in laws house has been canceled because her daughter was diagnosed with H1N1... prognosis is really good, so no worries there, but Doctor ordered her to NOT be around anyone she doesn't live with.

So the 6 of us stayed home and had dinner here, no biggy, except I had some schoolwork to get done, so while hubby was preparing some dishes, I was trying to get my stuff done so that it was out of the way and I could forget about school for the rest of the day and spend a nice, quiet holiday at home with my husband and kids...

Yeah... SURE... cause dreaming big will get you anywhere, right?

The kids couldn't sit down and be quiet, had to fight all morning, so I'm trying to do my school work and keep them under control, hubby is TRYING to cook food and keeps running back and forth...

Yeah, I literally shoved the boys out the door and locked them outside for awhile. So sue me, I'm a bad mom.

I gave up trying to do school work after hubby started bitching, and started cleaning like a mad woman...

By the end of the day I was crying, ready to quit school, and just ready to give up, completely wanted to disappear. I posted some of my frustration on my Facebook status messages through the day, just to be told by my mother that by venting it makes me seem like a bad mom and SHE'S EMBARRASSED FOR ME!!!!

Yeah, FUCK YOU!

The days since then have been NO better... the thought of divorce crossed my mind today. Not because I WANT one, but because I'm sure it won't be long before my husband realizes that this is SO not what he signed up for when he signed those papers, legally becoming a husband/step-father, and that he deserves more than ungrateful kids who don't appreciate anything, have major anger issues, are destructive to everything around them, a wife who honestly has NO idea how to deal with her own kids, because SHE wasn't raised by parents who had a clue, and then spent 6 years in a marriage where her husband treated her no better and instilled in their children the idea that "What Mom says doesn't matter, unless I say it too."

So yeah, the last 3 or 4 days have just been horrible for me, and the weeks leading up to now haven't been much better. I don't know what is causing me to feel this way, hell I don't even know exactly WHAT I'm feeling, I just know it's not good, and when I mentioned it to my husband (someone who has never experienced me, or anyone else, going through a major depression), I was told I had to "Snap out of it" because he "wasn't going to 'carry' this entire family" himself.

Yeah, cause "snapping out of it" is SO easy, right?

So on top of feeling burned out, depressed, stressed out, etc. Now I'm angry, and aggravated and annoyed, etc.

My husband and I haven't had a break in over a year... We did have ONE night before the baby was born that we got a babysitter and went out to dinner and a movie, just the two of us, but I was so VERY pregnant, that I couldn't even enjoy it that much... My older kids don't have visitation with their biological father either, which is less stressful for me in one way, but leaves me more stressed in others.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Those Sirens You Heard... Yeah, They Came Here.

So I've been really stressed lately, and so after talking to hubby about everything that needed to be done this week, I decided to take today off. I closed for the day, we had some errands to run, and then came home to watch a couple Disney movies with the girls.

Hubby made lunch and was going to go work on some stuff around the house, and I had JUST sat down to post a Facebook status telling people I was closed for the day and would be open tomorrow... I took ONE bite of my lunch, and I started hearing a noise. At first it sounded like a large truck, so I didn't think much of it, but then it didn't go away, I looked at hubby...

Me: "What is that noise?"

Him: "Oh, probably someone playing loud music across the road."

............. That doesn't sound like music.........

We look at each other, eyes getting big...

Him: "SHIT, CHIMNEY FIRE!"

Me: "Aww, Hell, what's the number to 9-1-1?!?!"

OK, I'm kidding, I KNOW the number to 9-1-1... and actually he ran to the basement to check on the wood boiler thinking maybe it was going to blow off steam, and when he got there he realized it was a fire, not steam, and yelled up to call the fire department.

Thankfully we live right in town, a small town, but in town none the less, and we happen to be related to a couple of people on the department, so literally in less than 10 minutes we've got half the Volunteer Fire Department, plus two other Volunteer Fire Departments parked in front of our house directing traffic, the Chief parked his truck so close he hit my van when he got out and my Sister in law came around the corner so fast her van looked like it was gonna tip over, hehe...

Anyway, everything is fine, it actually wasn't the chimney that was on fire, but the stove pipe going from the boiler to the chimney instead... apparently it was plugged up really bad with Creosote (the residue that forms when you burn wood).

They checked the chimney with mirrors and flashlights and that was fine, so we have to let the wood boiler run cold and just use the wood stove in the dining room until the boiler gets cold and we can clean it out and replace the stove pipes.

Thank GOD for fast response time though, our fire department definitely deserves two thumbs up!

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So a couple months ago I let #1 & #2 sign up for Soccer, it was a good experience and really helped out with #1's self esteem issues, which helped his anxiety and depression, not so much with the possible ADHD, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Soccer got over and life went back to normal... kinda. Except a week or so later, I started college, and EVERYONE in the house got sick, the last month has been SO crazy around here!

Last night we had parent teacher conferences... they went well over all, so that was good, minor issues, but each teacher came prepared with a plan for tackling or at least learning to cope with each one (Tourette's Tics especially!), which was nice. I like having other people suggest things instead of telling me "We have this, this and this problem with your kid, and we need you to do something about it."... nope, I like hearing "... but, I came up with a plan today and I'm going to try it out and I'll let you know how it goes!" - LOVE a good proactive teacher! Of course, she was #1's teacher last year so I think she was prepared with how to deal with us, hehe.

After conferences we walked around the school and checked out the Literacy fair they had going on, it was really cool to see some of the information about reading that they had available, and made me want to encourage the kids to read every night even more than I already did.

In the Gym they had Basketball sign-ups. #1 really wanted to do it, and it's free, so why not, right? RIGHT?!?!

Except I've already got a lot on my plate...
For example:

1. I work full time, and I work for myself, so I can't just take time off (See This Post For More On That)
2. I'm a full time college student. Yes, it's online college, but still, You have NO idea the workload associated with that unless you've done it, and let's just say thank GOD I have an understanding hubby!
3. I have 4 kids... two of which have strict sleep schedules and we get to live through HELL when those schedules are disrupted.
4. My husband doesn't drive... Long story behind that, but he doesn't. So I am the taxi driver of the family, which means from 4:30-5:30 Monday - Thursday, I'm occupied, no rescheduling of that.
5. I have special needs children that see multiple specialists of different types... that takes up a LOT of time!
6. As good as my husband is about helping around the house with cooking and cleaning... HE needs help with it all sometimes, so me being this busy is NOT good for his sanity!
7. #1 did sign up for Basketball... *Sigh*

Looking back over this list, it's easy to see why I have no sex life as of late!

Swine Flu?

So a few days ago hubby and I suffered celebrated our wedding anniversary.

Yeah, "Congratulations", Thanks... NOT!

Not saying I'm not immensely thrilled to add another year to our history, I LOVE being married to the man, but OH... MY.... GOD!

The ordeal started 4 days before our anniversary, and then a couple days after still...

Day 1: I get a phone call that hubby is getting out of work early... in an ambulance. He's having severe pain he thinks may be related to a procedure he had done months ago. I'm freaking out and meet him at the ER. They do an ultrasound, everything looks ok except he has severe bruising and some swelling. Prescribe bed-rest, anti-inflammatory and pain meds.

Day 2: I wake up completely and utterly sick. I'll spare you the details but I spent the majority of my day sleeping and/or in the bathroom. Conclusion: Hubby got absolutely NO help all day.

Day 3: I wake up feeling better, hubby is in more pain, we assume due to not being able to rest the day before. As the day progresses, his condition gets severely worse. BACK to the ER. Dr examines him and agrees with prior prescriptions, but also prescribes an antibiotic and a different pain med.

Day 4: I wake up feeling slightly ill again... just in time to hear the sounds of #2 running to the bathroom to repeat the day I had on Day 2. #1 has a majorly nasty sounding cough and a fever. I proceed to call the sitters we had lined up to let them know the kids will not be coming... and find out that it's probably a good thing because both sitters families are sick as well.

Day 5: Our Anniversary. Hubby still not feeling well, and resolved to stay in bed no matter what so he can get better. He tells #1 that HE will be staying in bed with him because he refuses to rest in his own room, hence being sick for a week. Call third sitter to see if she still wants to take #4... her son woke up with the flu.

In the end, our wedding anniversary was spent couped up with sick kids, a sick hubby, and nothing to do.

I resolved to join the sick bed and gave myself a severe case of SWine Flu.