Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The First Step...

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You always hear that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Here I am, admitting it. I drink too much. This is no surprise to most people who know me personally, and really wasn't much of a surprise to me. It was more of an awakening.

It was a sudden awakening. Early on a Friday morning, I was browsing around reading some nonsense articles, killing time and enjoying my morning cup of coffee. Then it happened, I came across some not-so-nonsense articles about the things no one tells you about quitting drinking, or alcohol detox. Some of the things mentioned really made me think, and I decided to take the plunge and do what any other modern woman who might have a problem would do... I Googled it. I googled "How to tell if you're an alcoholic", I answered some questionares and surveys and the results were pretty conclusive. I am an alcoholic.

I broke down in tears. I had to admit to myself that Yes, I have a problem with alcohol. Come 3pm EVERY day, like clockwork, I'm craving my first drink. My stress levels go up after 3pm because that's when the kids come home from school during the school year, and that's also the time of day that their cumulative issues flare up the worst. Immediately following that comes the hubby home from work. It's not always bad, but things can get a bit tense, to say the least. He is working 7 days a week lately to help make ends meet because his REGULAR job doesn't have enough work for him. I'm home now and working from home, but by the end of the day, I'm burned out from working and dealing with kids and trying to keep things in order, running errands, doing doctors appointments and just generally trying to make sense of things. On top of the fact that I drink. Too much. And that stresses him out. Noticing a pattern yet?

There is SO much more too it, and I'll leave it with that and the fact that we were sometimes going through 3 BIG bottles of booze per week... and I'll just say that hubby might max out at 3 drinks if he's in the mood... most nights it's 1 or none.... I'm sure I don't have to give you too many chances to guess where the rest of that goes...

Admitting it to myself was hard. Admitting it to other people has been increasingly harder. I talked to my brother first. I knew he would be the least likely to judge me, and I HAD to say it to someone else to really make it "real" you know? I waited impatiently for 2 hours for him to come online so I could talk to him. He has been really supportive.

Next I told Hubby. I was terrified of telling him. I told him via text message. I sent the text with a warning, that I didn't need judgement, criticism or "I-told-you-so's" that I just needed to tell him this and that I needed him to say "ok" and "I understand". He responded with "ok..." and didn't say anything for 2 hours after that. When he finally did respond he was still in shock.

When I picked him up from work that evening, he was glowing. Told me how proud he was of me, and that he's just been waiting for me to see that I had a problem. He's been a huge part of my success so far in giving up alcohol. Because Yes, I'm an alcoholic, and I know that I have to give it up. It is not easy, it hasn't been easy and I'm sure it isn't going to get any easier.

As of right now, I have only told maybe 8 people who know me personally about this. And that doesn't include my parents. I'm not ready.

Honestly, this is a new thing for me still. It's been less than a week, 5 days to be exact, almost to the minute, since my last drink.

I picked a good week to quit drinking. Hubby was home with me through the weekend, just down the road for the last 2 days for work, tomorrow is a holiday and then Thursday we are headed out for a 4 day camping trip to help us all refresh and de-stress.

So far my withdrawl symptoms have been fairly mild, maybe leaning a touch toward moderate. I've been super tired, like I can't seem to wake up completely. I've doubled up the coffee a couple of days when I would normally just have the one cup. I'm also quite irritable. Think, PMS-like, even though that's not due for a couple weeks. I've been trying to "trick" myself subconsciously by drinking sparkling lemonade from a wine glass, and making STRONG iced tea (which I'd normally drink with rum)... definitely drinking lots of fluids. And craving comfort foods like crazy... I'm giving myself until the end of our vacation/camping trip before I worry too much about what I'm eating, I think I deserve it this week. Momma needs to spoil herself.

Tonight I am going to do some deep meditating, and take a Full Moon Bath (its a ritual thing) to help remove some of the negativity surrounding me. Here's to hoping I feel better after this week!

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