Saturday, August 18, 2012

I suck at being sober...

[caption id="attachment_456" align="alignright" width="300"] I'll never see this view without thinking of my grandmother[/caption]

To be fair with myself, I was only sober for just over a month. Three weeks in, on a Monday, I got a phone call from my step-mother, my grandmother had just passed away. My grandmother, the woman who lived next door through my entire childhood, the woman I spent the 4th of July with, I had JUST seen her. A picture of she and my grandfather has a permanent residence on my living room shelf. I felt like everything in my life had shattered. Ironically, I had just, days before this, written about the last time in my life that I felt this broken. I couldn't have imagined what I was about to experience.That entire week was awful, I couldn't get off my couch for more than a few minutes at a time, I wandered around aimlessly, trying to find some meaning, trying to forget that in an instant, I could lose any of the people I love most.There were a lot of tears.Saturday was her service, it was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, seeing my grandfather, one of the strongest men I've ever known, dabbing his eyes with his hanky, it was awful.

After the service, I kept my mind busy by taking an 8 hour round trip drive to pick up some new furniture (a gorgeous sectional couch and 2 recliners).

Sunday I spent most of the day rearranging the living room and swapping out furniture.

At the end of the week, I ran out of ways to distract myself and convinced myself that I was handling being sober just fine, that as long as I knew the reasons I was drinking before, that I could avoid any problems by not drinking when I was stressed, or upset, or angry. I believed that if I used drinking to escape my problems, I could avoid drinking BEING a problem if I didn't drink when I was having problems.... You see how much sense that makes, right? I allowed myself to have a glass of wine.

After that glass of wine, I had no desire to have another, and the next day I didn't want any, so a few days later I let myself have another glass of wine. A couple days later, we went to my sister-in-laws house, she offered me a beer, I accepted and told myself a social drink would be ok. It was Saturday, which is "Date night" in our house, so after we got home and the kids went to bed, I had another glass of wine.

It was a downhill spiral after that. It hasn't gotten as bad as it was before, but I've definitely had too much and know that I need to get on top of it again.

On the plus side, I've been working my other blog, posting some DIY tutorials and experiences with renovating our house, and that's working out well for me. The kids start back to school in a couple of weeks and in 3 weeks we will be heading to a festival where we all get to dress up as pirates! The kids are excited, and we are looking forward to it. One last camping trip for the end of summer.

I'm definitely ready for school to start back up, I need some quiet!


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