Saturday, November 28, 2009

Depression

Note of Disclaimer: This blog post was written while under the influence of cheap rum and cheap soda. I have read this message sober and believe it is ok to post. If I come across as extremely harsh in this message, well, blame it on the alcohol and depression.... both of which appear to be gone for the time being. Fingers crossed the depression stays gone and the alcohol just stops by for occasional visits :)
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I have been struggling with myself for days, trying to decide whether or not to blog. I haven't posted anything in a few weeks because life has been really crazy here.

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. This is the first time in nearly 4 years that I have had any severe depression issues, and I was completely unprepared for it. I really don't know what caused it, but things really started going down hill noticeably after our anniversary... or lack thereof.

In my last entry I wrote about all of the things I have going on, and really, none of that has changed. I'm super busy, the kids are super stressful, money is super tight, and then on top of that, throw the Holidays into the mix, and it's just harder and harder to deal with every day.

We made plans specifically to stick around home this year for Thanksgiving because this is the first year since we have been together that my three older children were not court ordered to be "somewhere else" for 4 hours on Thanksgiving, so we did not HAVE to travel. So instead of spending the holiday with my family, as we usually do, we decided to spend the holiday with hubbys family.

Wednesday we get the call that Thanksgiving at sister in laws house has been canceled because her daughter was diagnosed with H1N1... prognosis is really good, so no worries there, but Doctor ordered her to NOT be around anyone she doesn't live with.

So the 6 of us stayed home and had dinner here, no biggy, except I had some schoolwork to get done, so while hubby was preparing some dishes, I was trying to get my stuff done so that it was out of the way and I could forget about school for the rest of the day and spend a nice, quiet holiday at home with my husband and kids...

Yeah... SURE... cause dreaming big will get you anywhere, right?

The kids couldn't sit down and be quiet, had to fight all morning, so I'm trying to do my school work and keep them under control, hubby is TRYING to cook food and keeps running back and forth...

Yeah, I literally shoved the boys out the door and locked them outside for awhile. So sue me, I'm a bad mom.

I gave up trying to do school work after hubby started bitching, and started cleaning like a mad woman...

By the end of the day I was crying, ready to quit school, and just ready to give up, completely wanted to disappear. I posted some of my frustration on my Facebook status messages through the day, just to be told by my mother that by venting it makes me seem like a bad mom and SHE'S EMBARRASSED FOR ME!!!!

Yeah, FUCK YOU!

The days since then have been NO better... the thought of divorce crossed my mind today. Not because I WANT one, but because I'm sure it won't be long before my husband realizes that this is SO not what he signed up for when he signed those papers, legally becoming a husband/step-father, and that he deserves more than ungrateful kids who don't appreciate anything, have major anger issues, are destructive to everything around them, a wife who honestly has NO idea how to deal with her own kids, because SHE wasn't raised by parents who had a clue, and then spent 6 years in a marriage where her husband treated her no better and instilled in their children the idea that "What Mom says doesn't matter, unless I say it too."

So yeah, the last 3 or 4 days have just been horrible for me, and the weeks leading up to now haven't been much better. I don't know what is causing me to feel this way, hell I don't even know exactly WHAT I'm feeling, I just know it's not good, and when I mentioned it to my husband (someone who has never experienced me, or anyone else, going through a major depression), I was told I had to "Snap out of it" because he "wasn't going to 'carry' this entire family" himself.

Yeah, cause "snapping out of it" is SO easy, right?

So on top of feeling burned out, depressed, stressed out, etc. Now I'm angry, and aggravated and annoyed, etc.

My husband and I haven't had a break in over a year... We did have ONE night before the baby was born that we got a babysitter and went out to dinner and a movie, just the two of us, but I was so VERY pregnant, that I couldn't even enjoy it that much... My older kids don't have visitation with their biological father either, which is less stressful for me in one way, but leaves me more stressed in others.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

2 comments:

Jody said...

Right... snapping out of it is soooo fucking simple.
All we have to do is snap our fingers and flowers and puppies and kittens will start singig happily. Right....

*snort

Mamacakes said...

Yeah, that really bothered me when he said that, and I actually stayed up that night after he went to bed and wrote a list of all the reasons I felt like a failure and left it out for him to find the next morning... coincidentally? he got the kids occupied in the morning and let me sleep an hour later than normal and was super sweet and told me how much he loved me and that i wasn't a failure, especially at our marriage, that if that was true he would have left long ago, etc, etc, etc. Still took a few days to get away from those feelings but he really did make an effort to understand once he got a glimpse of what I was feeling inside.