It's My Anniversary! 6 Years Of Bliss!

6 years ago today, I left an abusive husband, packed up my 2 kids and my very pregnant self, despite because of his death threats and left.

I had no idea where I was going, or what I was going to do, but I did it, and I don't know where we would be if I hadn't made that decision.I remember the 1 year anniversary of this day. It hit me like a ton of bricks how much my life had changed, how much of a stronger person I had become because of my decision to leave.

I suck at being sober...

[caption id="attachment_456" align="alignright" width="300"] I'll never see this view without thinking of my grandmother[/caption]

To be fair with myself, I was only sober for just over a month. Three weeks in, on a Monday, I got a phone call from my step-mother, my grandmother had just passed away. My grandmother, the woman who lived next door through my entire childhood, the woman I spent the 4th of July with, I had JUST seen her. A picture of she and my grandfather has a permanent residence on my living room shelf. I felt like everything in my life had shattered. Ironically, I had just, days before this, written about the last time in my life that I felt this broken. I couldn't have imagined what I was about to experience.That entire week was awful, I couldn't get off my couch for more than a few minutes at a time, I wandered around aimlessly, trying to find some meaning, trying to forget that in an instant, I could lose any of the people I love most.There were a lot of tears.

6 Years, 1 Month and 1 Day Ago... My Heart Broke

6 Years, 1 month, 1 day ago, my heart was lifted as high as it could be, hopes and dreams soaring, just to be pushed off a cliff and sent hurtling to the jagged rocks below, where it proceeded to shatter.

You see, 6 years and 2 months ago, I found out I was pregnant.

My Children Are Electronically Deprived

That's right, I'm one of those mean parents who hasn't given my children access to every little gadget man-kind has created.

We have a Wii, that is hooked up in the family room to our large flat screen TV. That's about as fancy as we get. We use it for Netflix, and we have an assortment of sports and fitness related games, things that make the user MOVE their body instead of sitting still and vegging out on nonsense.For those mind-numbing days, we do have 2 MySims games and Oregon Trail (because HELLO, what childhood is complete WITHOUT Oregon Trail?!?!?!). We don't really play the games every often, 90% of the time, when the Wii is on we are watching Netflix (and even THAT is limited). We rarely watch Television and when we do, Netflix and VHS movies are about it.

Late Night Revelations: I Think I Just Forgave Him....

I left myself a note with the link to a friend's blog entry from the end of 2009, and a certain name and saved it here in a draft called "Emotional Cheating". I guess that means I'm supposed to tell you about my experience with that.

First, I recommend you go visit Chibi Jeebs' blog and browse around a bit, it's fantastic and I can wait.

You back? Good. Now I need to go back.. God, it's been so long. Well, Oldest Son (#1) is going on ten, so that means it was.... ummm.... 8 1/2 years ago.... Yeah I guess that sounds about right, wow....

Anyway, This post on Chibi Jeebs' blog is the one I was specifically referring to. It discusses emotional cheating. To be honest, until I read this blog entry, I had only ever heard that term once, a comment (or series of comments) from my father, to my mother, about a family friend (yeah... more on that later, this is about me). I had no idea it was "real".

After reading Chibi's blog entry, and the included link to a Wiki page about emotional cheating/affairs, I realized that Yes, it is in fact a real thing, and I've done it.

Rewind a number of years, 9 is probably sufficient, and let me set the scene for you:

I'm an 18 (barely) year old first time mother of a 6 month old, living with my boyfriend (baby daddy, and future first husband) of 2 years. Boyfriend is a total asshole and treats me like a child, yet expects me to be a perfect "housewife" (read: Maid & Sex Slave). My mother is staying with us temporarily as she's going through a lot... surprisingly this isn't a huge problem, aside from the fact that she's Bipolar and currently dealing with a huge round of sexual addition, leading her to a series of one-night-stands with internet strangers. One of whom, happens to be a gateway to one of the best things that ever happened to me. Let's call him "T".

At 18, I had a very vague idea of what a man should be... growing up my father was a little harsher than necessary to put it mildly. My mother was Co-dependent at best, on top of being bipolar/manic-depressive, so growing up was highly unstable and when I finally moved out (and into my boyfriend's house), I had no idea what I was doing, and basically allowed him to become a father figure to replace the one I had just left.

Life got even more unstable.

So fast forward to 18 years old, a new mom, lonely because my asshole boyfriend was always at work or sleeping, I hated sleeping alone and the baby was awake all night anyway, so I was on a nighttime schedule myself. Late nights with nothing to do, I found solace in the internet, chat rooms to be specific. My mother had made friends with a group of guys that all rented a house together and had funny nicknames for each other. They were hilarious. We all got along well and chatted regularly, however I became particularly close to "T".

He had this old soul feel about him and I was drawn to it. We chatted every day and night whenever possible. I would look at his pictures and we would go on webcam together, and it was great. I thrived on the attention he was giving me, and I'm not sure I would have made it through my PPD (post-partum depression - remind me to tell you that story later) without having him to fall back on when I needed someone to talk to. He made me feel amazing about myself. I would go on webcam and he would make me feel beautiful and sexy, I took pictures of myself and would send them to him, and he made me feel so great, I had never had someone in my life who made me feel anything but ugly and fat.

My mother thought it was great that he and I were such good friends, since she was sleeping with one of his roommates, I don't think she ever realized how intense it was for me.

Essentially, I fell in love with him. The idea of him, the way he made me feel, the things he said to me, the things he said he wanted to do to me, all of it. The whole idea of "T" just awed and amazed me. My mother and I loved to go to him when in need of suggestions for music to download, We would tell him "We Need some 'T'-Tunes!" and he would set us up with a playlist to download. He had the most unique taste in music, and introduced me to some of the most unusual things that I probably never would have heard if it weren't for him. To this day I can't hear the song Brandy (You're a Fine Girl) by Looking Glass without thinking of him.

Unfortunately, he also wasn't interested in a relationship (he had his own emotional hangups and a bad history with them), and I wasn't interested in breaking up my relationship and having my child be from a broken home. -- Too bad for me, he may have had a chance at a normal life if I had left then. I knew deep down it would never go anywhere, but I held on, I still craved that attention, the self-esteem boost, how he made me feel, all of it.

"T" was older, 9 years if I recall correctly. Being young that seems like ages. Yet, he also seemed so much wiser than what I had experience with (Obviously, because he was...) and we seemed to be on the same level in so many ways. I really believe he was my first adult LOVE.

Now that I've written about him and listened to that song, for some reason, I kind of get the feeling that the reason he suggested that song was perhaps to tell me in his own way that he couldn't be with me, for whatever reasons he had, he wanted me to know that and he had a hard time getting me to understand that.

After about a year of being completely head over heels for him and having all kinds of trouble in "paradise" (yeah right, the sarcasm, it swells), things finally came to a head.

Boyfriend and I had let a friend of mine from school come stay with us for a couple months. She needed to get back to the city (about 3 hours away) to get some of her things from her former boyfriends apartment and we had no way to get here there. Knight-in-shining-armor, here comes "T", and his roommates, driving 2 hours to my house to pick her up and drive her down there (back through their neck of the woods and then another hour further) to get her things. She hung out at their place for a few days until Boyfriend and I could get down there to pick her up.

That was the first time I saw "T" in person, he was IN MY HOUSE! In my dining room. The same room I would sit on the computer late at night and talk to him, about all the deep dark secrets in my 18 year old head. All the dreams I had, the fantasies I had for the two of us, that he had told me could never come true. It was overwhelming, that feeling of seeing him in person for the first time, and nothing I had felt for him prior to that night changed except to perhaps get stronger.

After Boyfriend and I found our way to "T"s house to pick up my friend, I was introduced to the world of the "Willow Street Wino's" for the first time. It was everything I had imagined and more. Typical bachelor pad, times 3, but nice nonetheless.

Things went back to normal for a few weeks, until Boyfriend and I were gone to a company Christmas party and left my friend at the house while we were gone for the night. We had asked her to not have anyone over while we were gone (obviously because we didn't want people we didn't know in our house), and when we came home the next morning, she was gone.

It turned out (after turning the computer on and her messenger account was logged in and I browsed her chat history to see if I could find out where she had gone) "T" had driven up, picked her up, and she went back to his place with him. I also found out that they had slept together.

I was shattered. Absolutely destroyed. I fell apart, everything around me failed to make sense. My best friend had slept with the guy I was in love with, and she KNEW how I felt about him. Forget the fact that I was in a relationship with someone and had a child with him, that meant nothing at this point.

I cut ties with both of them immediately, I was devastated, and it still cuts me like a knife to think about the way they both betrayed me. That hurt worse than when Former Husband knocked up my sister! (More on that later... that's a few months worth of posts and PTSD).

And now I understand why I was drawn to Chibi Jeebs' blog, and read her specific entry on emotional cheating. I was having an emotional affair. I had no idea at the time, I had no idea until 8 1/2 years later when I browsed a friends blog and found an entry about it.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I also feel that for some reason, I was meant to write about this tonight. After looking up that song and listening to it, it finally dawned on me what he was trying to tell me with that song all those years ago. After figuring that out, it became clear that the reason he slept with my best friend was because I was being naive and wouldn't give up on the idea of he and I being together one day. He knew it could never happen, for whatever reason, and did what was necessary to make me see it.

Mission accomplished I'd say. Sleep with a girls best friend and the chances are good she will never want to speak to you again.

I did track him down a number of years later, it was almost 4 years ago now I believe, shortly after I moved in with the Current Husband, and we caught up on what had gone on over the 4 years since we hadn't spoken. It was friendly, it was neutral, I still cared for him, but I was over him. I think maybe I just needed that confirmation before I could commit to someone else fully, someone who reminded me so much of him (Yeah, Current Husband and "T" have some VERY similar physical and personality traits, apparently, they are both the epitome of "MY TYPE" - The opposite of Former Husband).

Now that I've re-lived all of that, made some realizations about things that happened that I probably never would have otherwise considered, I think I've just forgiven him for hurting me so bad. I don't know if I'll ever forgive my friend, but I think maybe he cared enough about me to hurt me the way he did before it got worse.

Tough love I suppose. I think I'm thankful for that :)

Wordless Wednesday: Cleaning the Girls Room

This is my evening:

Because Just Saying "You're a Bad Mom" Would Be Too Easy

So I call my mother, all excited because I thought of a cool gift for the kids for Christmas... Giga Pets! Or well, more like a generic brand that I found on Amazon.com for $1 each.. Anyway, I'm telling her about it, and yeah, she got them the exact same thing... oh well, they'll get two.

Then we are talking about school, and Picasso and Princess are running around being loud... not being bad, just loud, so I ask them to go upstairs to play so I can talk on the phone. They don't listen (because seriously, what kid does, right?) so I get a little louder and TELL them to go upstairs.

My mother gets all huffy and snaps at me "You know, I'm just gonna get those kids something for Christmas that they can ONLY use in their rooms, since that's where they spend 90% of their time ANYWAY!" and proceeds to tell me that basically all I do is yell at the kids and never spend time with them.

Umm, EXCUSE ME? I have been working my ASS off, TRYING to get life to be a little less chaotic so that I CAN spend time with them! I FINALLY got my school stuff organized so that I can stay ahead of assignments instead of struggling and stressing to get things done last minute, so that I am ABLE to spend a little time with my husband and kids.

I KNOW that I've neglected spending as much time with them lately as I should, but seriously, my kids do NOT spend 90% of their time in their rooms, even though I wish they would spend a little MORE time there. We spent a ton of time and money fixing those rooms up for them so they would ENJOY them and have a space of their own and WANT to be in them... but the only time they go in there is to sleep. I think I was completely justified in asking them to go play upstairs while I was on the phone because they were being loud.

What are your thoughts? Am I a horrible neglectful mother who should be shot?

Playing Hide-and-Seek with Luna

Last night on our way to town to pick up hubby from work, it was just me and the girls (Princess and Monkey), the boys had plans. Princess is in the back seat and I'm driving (umm, obviously) and she starts LAUGHING, like completely giggling like crazy. I turn the radio down (cause you know, it HAS to be cranked in order for me to drive without killing someone) and listen, this is what I hear:

"Where is she?.... THERE SHE IS!!!.... Peek-A-Boo!... She hiding again... She good a hiding.... *giggle*.... Peek-A-Boo!... Her a hiding again"

Ummm... What?

So it turns out Princess was watching the *AMAZING* (full?) moon last night and was playing "hide-and-seek" with it. When it went behind trees, it was hiding, then it would come out and she would yell peek-a-boo and start laughing like crazy, it was great.

I told her that the Moon's name was "Luna" (one of MANY names for the Moon depending on what following you are of), and after that she was like "Where is 'woona'" (cause you know, three year olds have a hard time with that 'L' sound sometimes).

Then... completely of her own accord, she comes out with this:

"Mommy... 'Woona' is like a Mommy..... and the Sun is like a *Daddy!"

But yeah, so someone tell me WHERE did she pick this up? Because as I said in my previous post... I have NOT really incorporated ANY of my Pagan beliefs into my parenting (yet), so I'm having a hard time understanding LOGICALLY where my 3 year old picked this up from... not that it isn't totally AWESOME, cause seriously? A 3 year old who knows Sun=Male and Moon=Female? AWESOME TIMES THREE!


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*Daddy is used in place of hubbys name because Princess calls him by his first name, not daddy

Those Sirens You Heard... Yeah, They Came Here.

So I've been really stressed lately, and so after talking to hubby about everything that needed to be done this week, I decided to take today off. I closed for the day, we had some errands to run, and then came home to watch a couple Disney movies with the girls.

Hubby made lunch and was going to go work on some stuff around the house, and I had JUST sat down to post a Facebook status telling people I was closed for the day and would be open tomorrow... I took ONE bite of my lunch, and I started hearing a noise. At first it sounded like a large truck, so I didn't think much of it, but then it didn't go away, I looked at hubby...

Me: "What is that noise?"

Him: "Oh, probably someone playing loud music across the road."

............. That doesn't sound like music.........

We look at each other, eyes getting big...

Him: "SHIT, CHIMNEY FIRE!"

Me: "Aww, Hell, what's the number to 9-1-1?!?!"

OK, I'm kidding, I KNOW the number to 9-1-1... and actually he ran to the basement to check on the wood boiler thinking maybe it was going to blow off steam, and when he got there he realized it was a fire, not steam, and yelled up to call the fire department.

Thankfully we live right in town, a small town, but in town none the less, and we happen to be related to a couple of people on the department, so literally in less than 10 minutes we've got half the Volunteer Fire Department, plus two other Volunteer Fire Departments parked in front of our house directing traffic, the Chief parked his truck so close he hit my van when he got out and my Sister in law came around the corner so fast her van looked like it was gonna tip over, hehe...

Anyway, everything is fine, it actually wasn't the chimney that was on fire, but the stove pipe going from the boiler to the chimney instead... apparently it was plugged up really bad with Creosote (the residue that forms when you burn wood).

They checked the chimney with mirrors and flashlights and that was fine, so we have to let the wood boiler run cold and just use the wood stove in the dining room until the boiler gets cold and we can clean it out and replace the stove pipes.

Thank GOD for fast response time though, our fire department definitely deserves two thumbs up!

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So a couple months ago I let #1 & #2 sign up for Soccer, it was a good experience and really helped out with #1's self esteem issues, which helped his anxiety and depression, not so much with the possible ADHD, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Soccer got over and life went back to normal... kinda. Except a week or so later, I started college, and EVERYONE in the house got sick, the last month has been SO crazy around here!

Last night we had parent teacher conferences... they went well over all, so that was good, minor issues, but each teacher came prepared with a plan for tackling or at least learning to cope with each one (Tourette's Tics especially!), which was nice. I like having other people suggest things instead of telling me "We have this, this and this problem with your kid, and we need you to do something about it."... nope, I like hearing "... but, I came up with a plan today and I'm going to try it out and I'll let you know how it goes!" - LOVE a good proactive teacher! Of course, she was #1's teacher last year so I think she was prepared with how to deal with us, hehe.

After conferences we walked around the school and checked out the Literacy fair they had going on, it was really cool to see some of the information about reading that they had available, and made me want to encourage the kids to read every night even more than I already did.

In the Gym they had Basketball sign-ups. #1 really wanted to do it, and it's free, so why not, right? RIGHT?!?!

Except I've already got a lot on my plate...
For example:

1. I work full time, and I work for myself, so I can't just take time off (See This Post For More On That)
2. I'm a full time college student. Yes, it's online college, but still, You have NO idea the workload associated with that unless you've done it, and let's just say thank GOD I have an understanding hubby!
3. I have 4 kids... two of which have strict sleep schedules and we get to live through HELL when those schedules are disrupted.
4. My husband doesn't drive... Long story behind that, but he doesn't. So I am the taxi driver of the family, which means from 4:30-5:30 Monday - Thursday, I'm occupied, no rescheduling of that.
5. I have special needs children that see multiple specialists of different types... that takes up a LOT of time!
6. As good as my husband is about helping around the house with cooking and cleaning... HE needs help with it all sometimes, so me being this busy is NOT good for his sanity!
7. #1 did sign up for Basketball... *Sigh*

Looking back over this list, it's easy to see why I have no sex life as of late!

Swine Flu?

So a few days ago hubby and I suffered celebrated our wedding anniversary.

Yeah, "Congratulations", Thanks... NOT!

Not saying I'm not immensely thrilled to add another year to our history, I LOVE being married to the man, but OH... MY.... GOD!

The ordeal started 4 days before our anniversary, and then a couple days after still...

Day 1: I get a phone call that hubby is getting out of work early... in an ambulance. He's having severe pain he thinks may be related to a procedure he had done months ago. I'm freaking out and meet him at the ER. They do an ultrasound, everything looks ok except he has severe bruising and some swelling. Prescribe bed-rest, anti-inflammatory and pain meds.

Day 2: I wake up completely and utterly sick. I'll spare you the details but I spent the majority of my day sleeping and/or in the bathroom. Conclusion: Hubby got absolutely NO help all day.

Day 3: I wake up feeling better, hubby is in more pain, we assume due to not being able to rest the day before. As the day progresses, his condition gets severely worse. BACK to the ER. Dr examines him and agrees with prior prescriptions, but also prescribes an antibiotic and a different pain med.

Day 4: I wake up feeling slightly ill again... just in time to hear the sounds of #2 running to the bathroom to repeat the day I had on Day 2. #1 has a majorly nasty sounding cough and a fever. I proceed to call the sitters we had lined up to let them know the kids will not be coming... and find out that it's probably a good thing because both sitters families are sick as well.

Day 5: Our Anniversary. Hubby still not feeling well, and resolved to stay in bed no matter what so he can get better. He tells #1 that HE will be staying in bed with him because he refuses to rest in his own room, hence being sick for a week. Call third sitter to see if she still wants to take #4... her son woke up with the flu.

In the end, our wedding anniversary was spent couped up with sick kids, a sick hubby, and nothing to do.

I resolved to join the sick bed and gave myself a severe case of SWine Flu.

Ooooh, Baby You Read My Mind.

Yeah, so my husband and I have always had this uncanny knack of being able to read each others minds, finish each others sentences, say what the other is thinking, etc.

Example:

The other night we had picked up some food from the store, stuff to have mexican food for dinner, some milk for cereal in the morning, and egg nog just cause we love it.

So I'm putting the milk and egg nog into the fridge, and almost, by habit, put the egg nog on the bottom shelf of the door. That's where we keep the milk because our fridge is weird and that's the only place it wont freeze or spoil when the weather is warm, plus the kids can reach it.

I second guessed myself thinking "If I put this on the bottom shelf, someone is going to wind up putting it in cereal in the morning, I can see it now".

Turned around... and hubby starts on saying "You know, I once put egg nog in my cereal because I was out of milk."

Wow.....

The Need For Speed Is Deep

I have this habit of waiting until the absolute LAST minute to put my brakes on when I'm driving, my husband is always commenting on it and I think it's really starting to get to him.

The other night we were on our way to the hardware store to return something and were driving down a very busy road and approaching an intersection. The car in front of us was starting to slow down, I, as usual, waited until absolutely necessary and put the brakes on just in time.

Don't get me wrong, I don't resort to squealing tires and throwing my passengers around or anything, cause that's just not soccer-mom-behavior, but I do tend to wait and then slow down quite fast and then stop completely. It makes hubby nervous.

Anyway, as I'm finally slowing down, I see something out of the corner of my right eye.

Now you should note here that my husband has not driven a vehicle in almost 2 years except to maybe move to a different place in a parking lot, someones yard, etc.

Me: "Honey...... Are you trying to step on the brakes over there?"

.......

Him: Trying..... Unfortunately my foot keeps slipping on the gas instead!"

I love my husband. Even if he is a neurotic speed demon who tries to drive instinctively from the passenger seat.

Self Analyzing

I have always been an analytical person. I would spend hours in my bedroom as a young girl writing in my diary, analyzing my life, my thoughts, my feelings, trying to find the hidden meaning behind them all.

To this day I am still like that, I analyze my dreams, life experiences, I believe most dreams are symbolic, and if I pay enough attention to what they are telling me, they can help me prepare for things ahead in my life, or help me deal with things I am currently experiencing.

Some of my dreams have been quite disturbing, and leave me physically shaken when I wake from them. Thankfully my husband and his mother are both believers in dream symbols and have been able to help me understand some of what my dreams have been trying to tell me.

I'm not really sure why I'm rambling about my dreams, I'm just in the frame of mind to analyze myself.

Being self analytical has helped me through SO many hard times in my life, and is probably one of the main reasons I am still alive.

I've never really spoken much about my first marriage on here, it has been something I've wanted to address, but could never quite find the right words to express some of the things I went through. I suppose now is as good a time as any to try.

I experienced some horrendous things during my first marriage, ate for comfort, drank to escape, I was an overweight borderline alcoholic (if that's even possible). About the time I got pregnant with my 3rd child and COULDN'T drink, I began to see my life for what it REALLY was, for how bad it had gotten since the birth of my second child a few years prior. It was a reality I almost couldn't face. Through the first 5 months of the pregnancy I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.

None of my mental/emotional issues were helped along by the fact that my husband was also expecting a child with someone else. I tried so hard to save my marriage, as miserable as it was, I was always one to believe that once you marry someone, that's it. The end.

The girlfriend was in and out of the picture for a few months, and after my husband and I discovered that I was carrying twins, only one of which was living, it was a lost cause after that. He became concerned with her and the baby she was having, leaving me to mourn the loss of our child and worry about any potential hardships the remaining baby might have to deal with.

I had what I can describe as nothing short of a mental break down. I remember being curled up in a ball on our dining room floor, crying uncontrollably, wondering if life would just be better for everyone if I were dead.

The night I caught my husband and his girlfriend having sex in our bed, I lost it completely. It was about Midnight and I took off running down the road, I had no shoes on, I don't even think I took anything, I just ran out. I could hardly see where I was going for the tears I had running from my eyes, and somehow I found myself sitting on the steps of the town library, right next to the dam of a small river. About the only thing that kept me from going over the edge of the dam that night was the baby I was carrying. I knew at that moment that I could have killed myself, but I couldn't kill someone else.

Anyway, it wasn't long after all of this that I left him. He threatened my life when I was getting ready to leave, and I got a protection from abuse order on him first thing the next day. It was the best thing I ever did, because it kept me from being able to talk to him and kept him from being able to convince me to come back and let my spirit be broken more than it already had been.

First thing I did after getting myself and my kids out of that house was to sign up for adult ed. I went back to school and less than 10 months later was attending my very own graduation ceremony where I received my GED.

The ceremony was attended by my parents, grandmother, my 3 children and the boyfriend I had started seeing just a few weeks before.

That boyfriend is now my husband and together we have 4 children and life is good!

Surprise, Surprise!

I did something this week that I never imagined I would EVER do. Something I always told myself and everyone else, that I had no intention of EVER doing. Well surprise to us all! I'm going back to school.

I enrolled in a two year program to get an Associates in Foundations of Business, with the possibility of a Bachelors in the future.

I qualified for a good amount of grants and will be using student loans to cover the rest.

So lets see, from high school drop out and teenage mom to Soccer mom of 4 working on a degree in less than 10 years. Essentially, from failure to success...

I'm nervous, more about the financial side of things than anything else, but I'm gonna try not to let it get to me, I mean my first year is COVERED with the grant and student loans, it's the second year I'll have to worry about, but I've got a year to get that figured out.

I start in 2 weeks officially but have 3 workshops to complete next week, and my enrollment counselor gave me an overview of what my first assignment will be for my first 2 classes (taking them 2 at a time), so I can get started on that instead of waiting until the last minute.

My mom is all excited, my father hasn't said much, my kids said they don't WANT me to go back to school, and my husband just doesn't want me to take on more than I can handle.

Me... I am taking this opportunity to prove a LOT of people wrong. All of those people who pegged me a failure as soon as that EPT showed a + sign when I was only 17 years old. Everyone who insisted I'd never make anything out of my life. Just going back and finishing High School 7 years after dropping out wasn't enough, a College Degree will prove them ALL wrong... and it won't hurt MY situation at all. If anything, it will help my business! :)

Free Or Super Cheap Anniversary Ideas

Hubby and I had planned on getting babysitters for all 4 kids (first time anyone's taken #4!) and going out for Dinner and a Movie to celebrate our upcoming wedding anniversary.

Unfortunately, Life is a bitch.

My van started acting up over the past week or so, my check engine light is on and it's been making funny noises and acting strange. We are PRETTY sure we need to replace the spark plugs and wires, and the air filter too, it's pretty grungy from driving down a lot of dirt roads lately... oh yeah, and I'm low on Oil and Anti-Freeze as well.

PLUS, we need about $150, give or take, for some improvements at my office, and those have to be done like NOW because they involve the heating system.

So that, along with some extra expenses over the last 2 weeks around the house, and there goes hubby's extra paycheck for the month of October (5 Thursdays = Extra paycheck).

WHICH, is what I was planning on us using for our anniversary. There goes that idea right out the window, along with my Sanity if I don't get a night OUT very soon!

We had planned dinner at this quiet little Cafe in town, we are friends with one of the owners, and it's a great place, practically the center of town, EVERYONE goes there. AND, it just so happens, that we ate breakfast there together the morning we got married, so eating there on our anniversary is like a tradition that I DON'T want to break!

Our plan to see a Movie... probably not gonna happen because there's no way we can afford the gas plus the cost of a movie and you cant watch a movie without at least a little popcorn and a soda...

I could REALLY use any suggestions... Our anniversary falls on a Sunday this year, we had planned on going out to celebrate the night before, but I'm not opposed to doing something during the day on Sunday instead, since that IS our anniversary after all.... breakfast at the Cafe instead of dinner.. I just have no idea what we could do instead of seeing a movie...

How Many Water Options Does YOUR Faucet Offer?

At dinner the other night everything was pretty quiet, hubby was feeding #4 some pureed carrots, we were all eating our meal when #1 spoke up and asked plain as day...

"What is there for water?"

Hmmm....

Hubby, quick as ever, replied with "hot or cold, your choice."

Boy oh boy, it's never a dull moment in our house, haha!

The Debate Over Flirting

My previous entry, about whether or not its ok to flirt with married men/women sparked a bit of interest. Comments were left, emails were sent, tweets were twittered, etc. I have heard arguments from both perspectives.

I felt maybe I should clarify some as to what sparked the train of thought resulting in that entry.

When I was younger, I had this on again, off again boyfriend. It started way back in Grade School, we were like Cory and Topanga on the show "Boy Meets World". Best friends when we weren't "together" as well as when we were. I always seemed to be the one to break it off, but he was always there as a backup when it didn't work out for me with someone else.

About 12 years ago, due to circumstances beyond our control, we became separated by distance, a distance the length of numerous states.

A few months after his departure he wrote to me and professed his love, insisting that one day, as soon as he could, he would return and ask me to marry him.

I was in high school, nowhere near ready to be thinking about marriage, much less marrying a guy who was no longer in the same state as me, and who wouldn't be until well after high school was over. He expected me to finish high school out WITHOUT dating anyone, and just wait for him? I didn't think so.

We continued to write letters back and forth, and call to wish each other a Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas, things like that. He did come back to visit old friends and some family once or twice and we were able to see each other briefly, but that was about the extent of it.

Over time I met and fell in love with a guy, and we got engaged. I also became pregnant. This old boyfriend of mine was devastated and promptly stopped contacting me or returning my letters. I moved on, got married, and continued with my life.

After that marriage ended in divorce many years later, and I was working on rebuilding my life and old friendships that I had been forced to abandon, I found this old boyfriend on a social networking site. I had looked for him online in the past, but never was able to find him. At this time he was also going through a divorce, and ironically we had left our spouses within days of each other. He felt it was fate, that we were meant to find each other, and he told me he planned to move back as soon as his divorce was final and he wanted us to give it another try when he did.

I admit, I considered the possibility. He was, after all, my old stand by. My marriage had failed, why not fall back into my safety net?

After seriously contemplating the possibilities, I realized that, no, it couldn't happen. I had changed and grown in so many ways, not all good ways. I had lost my innocence in a number of ways since the last time we had seen each other, and when I thought of him, I thought of my innocent self. I tried to imagine what it would be like for us to be together after all the things I had been through (many of which I will never post online), and when I tried to imagine us being intimate, I realized that it couldn't happen. We were not the same 2 people we had been before, He was part of my innocence, I could never have sex with him. Not that that is the whole story, but that is about as clearly as I can ever explain it to anyone.

At the time I was considering this, I was also getting to know another man, someone I had been getting to know for many months before I found my old boyfriend on that social networking site, someone who actually lived in the same state as me. I decided to take a leap of faith and NOT go back to my safety net. I chose the road least traveled. Old BF wasn't happy about that and continued to try and convince me that we should be together.

Over time I thought he had figured out that it wasn't going to happen. Especially after I married and had a child with the man down the road least traveled. I thought I had made it clear to everyone just how blissfully happy I AM with this man. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me! My old BF even went and got married to the girl he was seeing shortly after finding out that my husband and I had gotten married. I thought it was over.

Until yesterday. I posted a status on this unnamed social networking site, and this is about how it went:

Me: Head. Pounding. Pressure. Pain. Shoot. Me. NOW.

Him: Get a massage. It always worked before.

Me: No one around to massage it for me and me doing it isn't working... hubby is still at work and has his class tonight. And.... WOW..... I haven't seen you in like 10 years and you remember that?

Him: Some things are way too good to forget.

Me: (Trying to avoid where the conversation appeared to be going) Good point.... on the other hand, there are all those things you wish you COULD forget but you can't.

Him: There are a lot of things that I never have been able to forget about.

Me: (Not sure what to say) I believe you.

Him: I miss you.

Now... I really didn't know what to say after that, so I dropped it, went offline completely.

I talked to hubby about it that evening and he said that if he were in the same shoes as that guy, and it was his old GF posting about having a headache, and he wasn't with me... he would feel as if HE should be there to help her through the headache... that by keeping him on my friends list, I am in essence, leading him on.

Should I just remove him completely? I hate to seem like a bitch, I mean he and I have been friends since like 2nd or 3rd grade, and we are nearly into our 30's now! That's a LONG time to be friends with someone, a lot of history. I hate the idea of being rude to people, because I'm just NOT the bitch type, unless I HAVE to be... so the question is...

Do I have to be a bitch?

Is It Ok To Flirt With A Married Man/Woman?

Contemplating: Is infidelity so commonplace these days that people feel it's really "OK" to flirt with a clearly happily married person? I mean sure, you may be attracted to the person, or you may have "been there first", but they are married... MARRIED, you know, emphasis on that nasty M word right there... Whether they are happy or not, I just don't feel that that is ok...

When a person marries someone, they are committing themselves to THAT person, not leaving themselves open for someone like YOU to begin or even continue the flirting, suggestive comments, or even eyeing them in any way, shape or form.

Once that marriage license is signed and someone's name gets changed (or not as the case may be), you need to respect the life decision that has been made, and back off...

Nuff Said.

New Hair!

Quick post, I got my haircut, and LOVE it! I was nervous, SO nervous, and had my friend come over to cut it while hubby was gone so he couldn't talk me out of going short.

It's shorter than I had planned but It is so awesome!!!!

#4 wasn't quite sure what to think, being a baby when Mom, who supplies the FOOD, makes a drastic change to her looks... it can be a bit confusing, especially when she still SMELLS the same, so I got strange looks from her for the first day or so, but I think she has come around. She actually smiles when she sees me now!

Hubby wasn't sure what to think at first, he wouldn't even look at me for more than 2 seconds at a time for the first day, but after he had a chance to adjust to it, and it relaxed some he has decided that he really does like it after all. Which makes me happy, I was worried he was going to absolutely hate it and then I'd feel really bad. He keeps joking that "it will grow back some day" but he says he really does like it :)