Late Night Revelations: I Think I Just Forgave Him....

I left myself a note with the link to a friend's blog entry from the end of 2009, and a certain name and saved it here in a draft called "Emotional Cheating". I guess that means I'm supposed to tell you about my experience with that.

First, I recommend you go visit Chibi Jeebs' blog and browse around a bit, it's fantastic and I can wait.

You back? Good. Now I need to go back.. God, it's been so long. Well, Oldest Son (#1) is going on ten, so that means it was.... ummm.... 8 1/2 years ago.... Yeah I guess that sounds about right, wow....

Anyway, This post on Chibi Jeebs' blog is the one I was specifically referring to. It discusses emotional cheating. To be honest, until I read this blog entry, I had only ever heard that term once, a comment (or series of comments) from my father, to my mother, about a family friend (yeah... more on that later, this is about me). I had no idea it was "real".

After reading Chibi's blog entry, and the included link to a Wiki page about emotional cheating/affairs, I realized that Yes, it is in fact a real thing, and I've done it.

Rewind a number of years, 9 is probably sufficient, and let me set the scene for you:

I'm an 18 (barely) year old first time mother of a 6 month old, living with my boyfriend (baby daddy, and future first husband) of 2 years. Boyfriend is a total asshole and treats me like a child, yet expects me to be a perfect "housewife" (read: Maid & Sex Slave). My mother is staying with us temporarily as she's going through a lot... surprisingly this isn't a huge problem, aside from the fact that she's Bipolar and currently dealing with a huge round of sexual addition, leading her to a series of one-night-stands with internet strangers. One of whom, happens to be a gateway to one of the best things that ever happened to me. Let's call him "T".

At 18, I had a very vague idea of what a man should be... growing up my father was a little harsher than necessary to put it mildly. My mother was Co-dependent at best, on top of being bipolar/manic-depressive, so growing up was highly unstable and when I finally moved out (and into my boyfriend's house), I had no idea what I was doing, and basically allowed him to become a father figure to replace the one I had just left.

Life got even more unstable.

So fast forward to 18 years old, a new mom, lonely because my asshole boyfriend was always at work or sleeping, I hated sleeping alone and the baby was awake all night anyway, so I was on a nighttime schedule myself. Late nights with nothing to do, I found solace in the internet, chat rooms to be specific. My mother had made friends with a group of guys that all rented a house together and had funny nicknames for each other. They were hilarious. We all got along well and chatted regularly, however I became particularly close to "T".

He had this old soul feel about him and I was drawn to it. We chatted every day and night whenever possible. I would look at his pictures and we would go on webcam together, and it was great. I thrived on the attention he was giving me, and I'm not sure I would have made it through my PPD (post-partum depression - remind me to tell you that story later) without having him to fall back on when I needed someone to talk to. He made me feel amazing about myself. I would go on webcam and he would make me feel beautiful and sexy, I took pictures of myself and would send them to him, and he made me feel so great, I had never had someone in my life who made me feel anything but ugly and fat.

My mother thought it was great that he and I were such good friends, since she was sleeping with one of his roommates, I don't think she ever realized how intense it was for me.

Essentially, I fell in love with him. The idea of him, the way he made me feel, the things he said to me, the things he said he wanted to do to me, all of it. The whole idea of "T" just awed and amazed me. My mother and I loved to go to him when in need of suggestions for music to download, We would tell him "We Need some 'T'-Tunes!" and he would set us up with a playlist to download. He had the most unique taste in music, and introduced me to some of the most unusual things that I probably never would have heard if it weren't for him. To this day I can't hear the song Brandy (You're a Fine Girl) by Looking Glass without thinking of him.

Unfortunately, he also wasn't interested in a relationship (he had his own emotional hangups and a bad history with them), and I wasn't interested in breaking up my relationship and having my child be from a broken home. -- Too bad for me, he may have had a chance at a normal life if I had left then. I knew deep down it would never go anywhere, but I held on, I still craved that attention, the self-esteem boost, how he made me feel, all of it.

"T" was older, 9 years if I recall correctly. Being young that seems like ages. Yet, he also seemed so much wiser than what I had experience with (Obviously, because he was...) and we seemed to be on the same level in so many ways. I really believe he was my first adult LOVE.

Now that I've written about him and listened to that song, for some reason, I kind of get the feeling that the reason he suggested that song was perhaps to tell me in his own way that he couldn't be with me, for whatever reasons he had, he wanted me to know that and he had a hard time getting me to understand that.

After about a year of being completely head over heels for him and having all kinds of trouble in "paradise" (yeah right, the sarcasm, it swells), things finally came to a head.

Boyfriend and I had let a friend of mine from school come stay with us for a couple months. She needed to get back to the city (about 3 hours away) to get some of her things from her former boyfriends apartment and we had no way to get here there. Knight-in-shining-armor, here comes "T", and his roommates, driving 2 hours to my house to pick her up and drive her down there (back through their neck of the woods and then another hour further) to get her things. She hung out at their place for a few days until Boyfriend and I could get down there to pick her up.

That was the first time I saw "T" in person, he was IN MY HOUSE! In my dining room. The same room I would sit on the computer late at night and talk to him, about all the deep dark secrets in my 18 year old head. All the dreams I had, the fantasies I had for the two of us, that he had told me could never come true. It was overwhelming, that feeling of seeing him in person for the first time, and nothing I had felt for him prior to that night changed except to perhaps get stronger.

After Boyfriend and I found our way to "T"s house to pick up my friend, I was introduced to the world of the "Willow Street Wino's" for the first time. It was everything I had imagined and more. Typical bachelor pad, times 3, but nice nonetheless.

Things went back to normal for a few weeks, until Boyfriend and I were gone to a company Christmas party and left my friend at the house while we were gone for the night. We had asked her to not have anyone over while we were gone (obviously because we didn't want people we didn't know in our house), and when we came home the next morning, she was gone.

It turned out (after turning the computer on and her messenger account was logged in and I browsed her chat history to see if I could find out where she had gone) "T" had driven up, picked her up, and she went back to his place with him. I also found out that they had slept together.

I was shattered. Absolutely destroyed. I fell apart, everything around me failed to make sense. My best friend had slept with the guy I was in love with, and she KNEW how I felt about him. Forget the fact that I was in a relationship with someone and had a child with him, that meant nothing at this point.

I cut ties with both of them immediately, I was devastated, and it still cuts me like a knife to think about the way they both betrayed me. That hurt worse than when Former Husband knocked up my sister! (More on that later... that's a few months worth of posts and PTSD).

And now I understand why I was drawn to Chibi Jeebs' blog, and read her specific entry on emotional cheating. I was having an emotional affair. I had no idea at the time, I had no idea until 8 1/2 years later when I browsed a friends blog and found an entry about it.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I also feel that for some reason, I was meant to write about this tonight. After looking up that song and listening to it, it finally dawned on me what he was trying to tell me with that song all those years ago. After figuring that out, it became clear that the reason he slept with my best friend was because I was being naive and wouldn't give up on the idea of he and I being together one day. He knew it could never happen, for whatever reason, and did what was necessary to make me see it.

Mission accomplished I'd say. Sleep with a girls best friend and the chances are good she will never want to speak to you again.

I did track him down a number of years later, it was almost 4 years ago now I believe, shortly after I moved in with the Current Husband, and we caught up on what had gone on over the 4 years since we hadn't spoken. It was friendly, it was neutral, I still cared for him, but I was over him. I think maybe I just needed that confirmation before I could commit to someone else fully, someone who reminded me so much of him (Yeah, Current Husband and "T" have some VERY similar physical and personality traits, apparently, they are both the epitome of "MY TYPE" - The opposite of Former Husband).

Now that I've re-lived all of that, made some realizations about things that happened that I probably never would have otherwise considered, I think I've just forgiven him for hurting me so bad. I don't know if I'll ever forgive my friend, but I think maybe he cared enough about me to hurt me the way he did before it got worse.

Tough love I suppose. I think I'm thankful for that :)

Wordless Wednesday: Cleaning the Girls Room

This is my evening:

And if we're being honest....

Then honestly I think I need a drink.

But for now, Lindt Intense Mint Chocolate will have to do. Especially since I'm at work, and even though I know my boss wouldn't complain about me drinking on the job, I'm afraid I may over/under charge customers, and THAT my friends, would be a problem.

I just spent two and a half hours filling out paperwork for my various offspring and their various STUFF.

Oldest Daughter (4) had a packet of information that required me to provide them with all but documentation confirming that she does, in fact, live on the planet Earth. I do however have to provide documentation confirming that she does live in our town. Damn Pre-Kindergarten and your need to know everything from conception to now.

For Youngest Son (7) I had to fill out two wonderful packets of information. They required damn near the same information that Oldest Daughter's paperwork needed, and I had to do his twice. Darn Psychiatrists and Developmental Specialists... thinking they need to know all this stuff... I'm still trying to understand why they need to know if he masturbates... and why they think I would know this.

Slow day at work, which is nice because it left me plenty of time to get that paperwork done... most of which I've had for a good month or more and "forgot" (read: didn't feel like) to do.

Also. School vacation. WTF daycare lady. Isn't the point of daycare to give working parents a safe/healthy/educational/fun environment for their children to be in while the parents are working (and the kids aren't in school obviously)? Could have fooled me, but that's what I thought too. So, why, DC lady, when a school vacation approaches, do you tell me "Oh, I'll be open ___day and ___day, but I'll be closed the rest of vacation".

Now, I understand, Oldest daughter isn't in school yet, so school vacation doesn't apply to her. BUT, I do have two other kids who are in school, and I struggle to find them places to go over vacation so I can continue to work and bring home that money that pays your paycheck. You know that one that is a Minimum of $75 for the week, whether she's there or not, that I only agreed to because no other daycare in town had openings? Youngest daughter (2) still comes to work with me, even though I'm not nursing anymore, just because I can't afford to pay you for all your vacations.

Now, I suppose, I need to get back to tending the THREE kids I had to bring to work with me today because no one was available to babysit and daycare was closed. Over school vacation. Blah.

Because Just Saying "You're a Bad Mom" Would Be Too Easy

So I call my mother, all excited because I thought of a cool gift for the kids for Christmas... Giga Pets! Or well, more like a generic brand that I found on Amazon.com for $1 each.. Anyway, I'm telling her about it, and yeah, she got them the exact same thing... oh well, they'll get two.

Then we are talking about school, and Picasso and Princess are running around being loud... not being bad, just loud, so I ask them to go upstairs to play so I can talk on the phone. They don't listen (because seriously, what kid does, right?) so I get a little louder and TELL them to go upstairs.

My mother gets all huffy and snaps at me "You know, I'm just gonna get those kids something for Christmas that they can ONLY use in their rooms, since that's where they spend 90% of their time ANYWAY!" and proceeds to tell me that basically all I do is yell at the kids and never spend time with them.

Umm, EXCUSE ME? I have been working my ASS off, TRYING to get life to be a little less chaotic so that I CAN spend time with them! I FINALLY got my school stuff organized so that I can stay ahead of assignments instead of struggling and stressing to get things done last minute, so that I am ABLE to spend a little time with my husband and kids.

I KNOW that I've neglected spending as much time with them lately as I should, but seriously, my kids do NOT spend 90% of their time in their rooms, even though I wish they would spend a little MORE time there. We spent a ton of time and money fixing those rooms up for them so they would ENJOY them and have a space of their own and WANT to be in them... but the only time they go in there is to sleep. I think I was completely justified in asking them to go play upstairs while I was on the phone because they were being loud.

What are your thoughts? Am I a horrible neglectful mother who should be shot?

Playing Hide-and-Seek with Luna

Last night on our way to town to pick up hubby from work, it was just me and the girls (Princess and Monkey), the boys had plans. Princess is in the back seat and I'm driving (umm, obviously) and she starts LAUGHING, like completely giggling like crazy. I turn the radio down (cause you know, it HAS to be cranked in order for me to drive without killing someone) and listen, this is what I hear:

"Where is she?.... THERE SHE IS!!!.... Peek-A-Boo!... She hiding again... She good a hiding.... *giggle*.... Peek-A-Boo!... Her a hiding again"

Ummm... What?

So it turns out Princess was watching the *AMAZING* (full?) moon last night and was playing "hide-and-seek" with it. When it went behind trees, it was hiding, then it would come out and she would yell peek-a-boo and start laughing like crazy, it was great.

I told her that the Moon's name was "Luna" (one of MANY names for the Moon depending on what following you are of), and after that she was like "Where is 'woona'" (cause you know, three year olds have a hard time with that 'L' sound sometimes).

Then... completely of her own accord, she comes out with this:

"Mommy... 'Woona' is like a Mommy..... and the Sun is like a *Daddy!"

But yeah, so someone tell me WHERE did she pick this up? Because as I said in my previous post... I have NOT really incorporated ANY of my Pagan beliefs into my parenting (yet), so I'm having a hard time understanding LOGICALLY where my 3 year old picked this up from... not that it isn't totally AWESOME, cause seriously? A 3 year old who knows Sun=Male and Moon=Female? AWESOME TIMES THREE!


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*Daddy is used in place of hubbys name because Princess calls him by his first name, not daddy

(Pagan) Holiday Traditions

Most families have Traditions, especially around the holidays. Growing up I remember always celebrating New Years Eve with Movies and Chinese take-out. No, there's no special significance with Chinese food and New Years Eve, it was more a matter of cost. My parents almost always received one or two gift certificates to their favorite Chinese restaurant for Christmas, and would use them to give us all a special meal for the new year. After a few years of doing this, it became a tradition, and even years when they didn't receive gift certificates, we still went for Chinese.

I have continued that tradition over the last 10 years and with my own children when they are home for New Years Eve, otherwise Hubby and I get Chinese and will go out to celebrate the New Year (and my birthday which coincidentally falls VERY close to it).

Since my husband and I have been together, we have begun a few traditions of our own, and since our family is still fairly new, these traditions are still evolving. One thing we have done since our very first Christmas together is to go to a local Tree Farm (a highly publicized one that donates Christmas trees to Military families) on the day after Thanksgiving, to pick out and cut our very own tree. While there we pick out a wreath or kissing ball, and the kids enjoy free homemade donuts and warm cider. Another tradition we started that very first trip to the tree farm was to let the kids each pick out their very own ornament, something we have continued every year since then.

Our theory was, it was our first Christmas together, neither of us had anything more for decorations than a few miscellaneous ones that had followed us from childhood, hand-me-downs from our parents or other well meaning people, and absolutely nothing matched. We didn't want our children to grow up in the same predicament, so we bought a set of glass balls in coordinating colors (blue and white), a blue tree skirt, and awesome wire edged ribbon that is sheer and glittery with snowmen, and a white Angel for the top of the tree (Angels hold a very significant place in Hubby's family so we picked one that was not religious but still an Angel). We figure that if the kids each can pick an ornament every year between now and when they move out and onto their own, they will each have approximately 20 very nice, unique and special ornaments to take with them to begin their own Holiday traditions with, and we will be left with our simple but still beautiful blue/white/silver ornaments and any special keepsake ornaments we end up with between now and then, like our GORGEOUS "Our First Christmas" ornament that hubby insisted on buying when we saw it at Macy's... Yes... Macy's... I won't tell you how much it cost, but let's leave it at, I could have fed us both at a small restaurant for what we paid.

We since have acquired a set of painted pine-cones that we hang on the tree, which pleases me to no end, because it gives that nature feel, and it brings me back to my roots, which is something I have wanted for a long time.

Something most of my readers do not know about me is that I am Pagan, something that has been important to me my entire life (but that's a whole different set of blog posts completely).

In my first marriage my husband "acted" supportive of my beliefs, but never fell short of making me feel like I should not incorporate my intended way of life, into his. My amazing hubby is super supportive and anyone who met him would think he himself was Pagan (though he still stands by the Catholic name because that's what he was raised as... haha).

Anyway, I have struggled for years since my husband and I got together, trying to find my way back to my path, and I finally feel as though I have taken the right turns, and finally am nearing where I should be. I decided that THIS holiday season we will be incorporating a new tradition. I want to begin introducing the kids to my belief system (without necessarily teaching them specifics or giving them lessons, just introducing aspects of Paganism to our daily lives, I think the good values are something everyone should learn!). My first attempt at this will be a variation of a tradition I read about online. The tradition I read about is called a Blessing Tree and for the life of me I can't find the link right now... I'll update when I do.. But basically you get a baby tree, and decorate it with bits of paper, each containing a Blessing or wish... and then after the holiday season you plant the tree. GREAT idea, this is supposed to be instead of cutting a tree down.

NOT so sure I could go without my tree... Hubby insists on a real one, and I love the time we spend with the kids going out to pick one out as a family, it's those traditions that are going to last a lifetime!

My idea is to take the idea of putting the blessings/wishes onto the "Christmas" tree (Yes, we call it Christmas), I want to have the kids write down a message thanking the tree for being our christmas tree, for allowing us to borrow it from Nature for awhile (since it will be returned to nature after the holiday season to become composted into the back yard).

Hubby comes from a very Italian family and one of their traditions growing up was to get together for a BIG seafood dinner on Christmas Eve, something we picked up our first year together. We went all out that first year and spent about $200 on the ONE meal for our combined families. Things have changed over the years and we are incorporating more pasta and finger foods into the mix. Last year I was pregnant so really couldn't have a lot of seafood so we simply had some Lobster and crab rolls, a shrimp platter, things like that, the main dish was stuffed manicotti.. SO GOOD! This year is looking to be similar, maybe a bit more seafood since I'm allowed to have it now haha.. But with the idea of money in mind, ,we need to keep costs low and are asking everyone to bring a small dish with them... and as always it's BYOB (Bring Your Own Booze, we may have some homemade wine available).

I think I will have the kids write their blessings for the tree before the party, and then ask everyone who comes to write their own and add it to our tree.. I'd like to cut some nice paper for this and use pretty ribbon to hang it on the tree... we will see what I come up with.

I think this is a good start for introducing Pagan traditions to the family, a little at a time... and hopefully I am able to incorporate more over the years.

Those Sirens You Heard... Yeah, They Came Here.

So I've been really stressed lately, and so after talking to hubby about everything that needed to be done this week, I decided to take today off. I closed for the day, we had some errands to run, and then came home to watch a couple Disney movies with the girls.

Hubby made lunch and was going to go work on some stuff around the house, and I had JUST sat down to post a Facebook status telling people I was closed for the day and would be open tomorrow... I took ONE bite of my lunch, and I started hearing a noise. At first it sounded like a large truck, so I didn't think much of it, but then it didn't go away, I looked at hubby...

Me: "What is that noise?"

Him: "Oh, probably someone playing loud music across the road."

............. That doesn't sound like music.........

We look at each other, eyes getting big...

Him: "SHIT, CHIMNEY FIRE!"

Me: "Aww, Hell, what's the number to 9-1-1?!?!"

OK, I'm kidding, I KNOW the number to 9-1-1... and actually he ran to the basement to check on the wood boiler thinking maybe it was going to blow off steam, and when he got there he realized it was a fire, not steam, and yelled up to call the fire department.

Thankfully we live right in town, a small town, but in town none the less, and we happen to be related to a couple of people on the department, so literally in less than 10 minutes we've got half the Volunteer Fire Department, plus two other Volunteer Fire Departments parked in front of our house directing traffic, the Chief parked his truck so close he hit my van when he got out and my Sister in law came around the corner so fast her van looked like it was gonna tip over, hehe...

Anyway, everything is fine, it actually wasn't the chimney that was on fire, but the stove pipe going from the boiler to the chimney instead... apparently it was plugged up really bad with Creosote (the residue that forms when you burn wood).

They checked the chimney with mirrors and flashlights and that was fine, so we have to let the wood boiler run cold and just use the wood stove in the dining room until the boiler gets cold and we can clean it out and replace the stove pipes.

Thank GOD for fast response time though, our fire department definitely deserves two thumbs up!

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So a couple months ago I let #1 & #2 sign up for Soccer, it was a good experience and really helped out with #1's self esteem issues, which helped his anxiety and depression, not so much with the possible ADHD, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Soccer got over and life went back to normal... kinda. Except a week or so later, I started college, and EVERYONE in the house got sick, the last month has been SO crazy around here!

Last night we had parent teacher conferences... they went well over all, so that was good, minor issues, but each teacher came prepared with a plan for tackling or at least learning to cope with each one (Tourette's Tics especially!), which was nice. I like having other people suggest things instead of telling me "We have this, this and this problem with your kid, and we need you to do something about it."... nope, I like hearing "... but, I came up with a plan today and I'm going to try it out and I'll let you know how it goes!" - LOVE a good proactive teacher! Of course, she was #1's teacher last year so I think she was prepared with how to deal with us, hehe.

After conferences we walked around the school and checked out the Literacy fair they had going on, it was really cool to see some of the information about reading that they had available, and made me want to encourage the kids to read every night even more than I already did.

In the Gym they had Basketball sign-ups. #1 really wanted to do it, and it's free, so why not, right? RIGHT?!?!

Except I've already got a lot on my plate...
For example:

1. I work full time, and I work for myself, so I can't just take time off (See This Post For More On That)
2. I'm a full time college student. Yes, it's online college, but still, You have NO idea the workload associated with that unless you've done it, and let's just say thank GOD I have an understanding hubby!
3. I have 4 kids... two of which have strict sleep schedules and we get to live through HELL when those schedules are disrupted.
4. My husband doesn't drive... Long story behind that, but he doesn't. So I am the taxi driver of the family, which means from 4:30-5:30 Monday - Thursday, I'm occupied, no rescheduling of that.
5. I have special needs children that see multiple specialists of different types... that takes up a LOT of time!
6. As good as my husband is about helping around the house with cooking and cleaning... HE needs help with it all sometimes, so me being this busy is NOT good for his sanity!
7. #1 did sign up for Basketball... *Sigh*

Looking back over this list, it's easy to see why I have no sex life as of late!

Swine Flu?

So a few days ago hubby and I suffered celebrated our wedding anniversary.

Yeah, "Congratulations", Thanks... NOT!

Not saying I'm not immensely thrilled to add another year to our history, I LOVE being married to the man, but OH... MY.... GOD!

The ordeal started 4 days before our anniversary, and then a couple days after still...

Day 1: I get a phone call that hubby is getting out of work early... in an ambulance. He's having severe pain he thinks may be related to a procedure he had done months ago. I'm freaking out and meet him at the ER. They do an ultrasound, everything looks ok except he has severe bruising and some swelling. Prescribe bed-rest, anti-inflammatory and pain meds.

Day 2: I wake up completely and utterly sick. I'll spare you the details but I spent the majority of my day sleeping and/or in the bathroom. Conclusion: Hubby got absolutely NO help all day.

Day 3: I wake up feeling better, hubby is in more pain, we assume due to not being able to rest the day before. As the day progresses, his condition gets severely worse. BACK to the ER. Dr examines him and agrees with prior prescriptions, but also prescribes an antibiotic and a different pain med.

Day 4: I wake up feeling slightly ill again... just in time to hear the sounds of #2 running to the bathroom to repeat the day I had on Day 2. #1 has a majorly nasty sounding cough and a fever. I proceed to call the sitters we had lined up to let them know the kids will not be coming... and find out that it's probably a good thing because both sitters families are sick as well.

Day 5: Our Anniversary. Hubby still not feeling well, and resolved to stay in bed no matter what so he can get better. He tells #1 that HE will be staying in bed with him because he refuses to rest in his own room, hence being sick for a week. Call third sitter to see if she still wants to take #4... her son woke up with the flu.

In the end, our wedding anniversary was spent couped up with sick kids, a sick hubby, and nothing to do.

I resolved to join the sick bed and gave myself a severe case of SWine Flu.

Self Analyzing

I have always been an analytical person. I would spend hours in my bedroom as a young girl writing in my diary, analyzing my life, my thoughts, my feelings, trying to find the hidden meaning behind them all.

To this day I am still like that, I analyze my dreams, life experiences, I believe most dreams are symbolic, and if I pay enough attention to what they are telling me, they can help me prepare for things ahead in my life, or help me deal with things I am currently experiencing.

Some of my dreams have been quite disturbing, and leave me physically shaken when I wake from them. Thankfully my husband and his mother are both believers in dream symbols and have been able to help me understand some of what my dreams have been trying to tell me.

I'm not really sure why I'm rambling about my dreams, I'm just in the frame of mind to analyze myself.

Being self analytical has helped me through SO many hard times in my life, and is probably one of the main reasons I am still alive.

I've never really spoken much about my first marriage on here, it has been something I've wanted to address, but could never quite find the right words to express some of the things I went through. I suppose now is as good a time as any to try.

I experienced some horrendous things during my first marriage, ate for comfort, drank to escape, I was an overweight borderline alcoholic (if that's even possible). About the time I got pregnant with my 3rd child and COULDN'T drink, I began to see my life for what it REALLY was, for how bad it had gotten since the birth of my second child a few years prior. It was a reality I almost couldn't face. Through the first 5 months of the pregnancy I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.

None of my mental/emotional issues were helped along by the fact that my husband was also expecting a child with someone else. I tried so hard to save my marriage, as miserable as it was, I was always one to believe that once you marry someone, that's it. The end.

The girlfriend was in and out of the picture for a few months, and after my husband and I discovered that I was carrying twins, only one of which was living, it was a lost cause after that. He became concerned with her and the baby she was having, leaving me to mourn the loss of our child and worry about any potential hardships the remaining baby might have to deal with.

I had what I can describe as nothing short of a mental break down. I remember being curled up in a ball on our dining room floor, crying uncontrollably, wondering if life would just be better for everyone if I were dead.

The night I caught my husband and his girlfriend having sex in our bed, I lost it completely. It was about Midnight and I took off running down the road, I had no shoes on, I don't even think I took anything, I just ran out. I could hardly see where I was going for the tears I had running from my eyes, and somehow I found myself sitting on the steps of the town library, right next to the dam of a small river. About the only thing that kept me from going over the edge of the dam that night was the baby I was carrying. I knew at that moment that I could have killed myself, but I couldn't kill someone else.

Anyway, it wasn't long after all of this that I left him. He threatened my life when I was getting ready to leave, and I got a protection from abuse order on him first thing the next day. It was the best thing I ever did, because it kept me from being able to talk to him and kept him from being able to convince me to come back and let my spirit be broken more than it already had been.

First thing I did after getting myself and my kids out of that house was to sign up for adult ed. I went back to school and less than 10 months later was attending my very own graduation ceremony where I received my GED.

The ceremony was attended by my parents, grandmother, my 3 children and the boyfriend I had started seeing just a few weeks before.

That boyfriend is now my husband and together we have 4 children and life is good!

Surprise, Surprise!

I did something this week that I never imagined I would EVER do. Something I always told myself and everyone else, that I had no intention of EVER doing. Well surprise to us all! I'm going back to school.

I enrolled in a two year program to get an Associates in Foundations of Business, with the possibility of a Bachelors in the future.

I qualified for a good amount of grants and will be using student loans to cover the rest.

So lets see, from high school drop out and teenage mom to Soccer mom of 4 working on a degree in less than 10 years. Essentially, from failure to success...

I'm nervous, more about the financial side of things than anything else, but I'm gonna try not to let it get to me, I mean my first year is COVERED with the grant and student loans, it's the second year I'll have to worry about, but I've got a year to get that figured out.

I start in 2 weeks officially but have 3 workshops to complete next week, and my enrollment counselor gave me an overview of what my first assignment will be for my first 2 classes (taking them 2 at a time), so I can get started on that instead of waiting until the last minute.

My mom is all excited, my father hasn't said much, my kids said they don't WANT me to go back to school, and my husband just doesn't want me to take on more than I can handle.

Me... I am taking this opportunity to prove a LOT of people wrong. All of those people who pegged me a failure as soon as that EPT showed a + sign when I was only 17 years old. Everyone who insisted I'd never make anything out of my life. Just going back and finishing High School 7 years after dropping out wasn't enough, a College Degree will prove them ALL wrong... and it won't hurt MY situation at all. If anything, it will help my business! :)

Free Or Super Cheap Anniversary Ideas

Hubby and I had planned on getting babysitters for all 4 kids (first time anyone's taken #4!) and going out for Dinner and a Movie to celebrate our upcoming wedding anniversary.

Unfortunately, Life is a bitch.

My van started acting up over the past week or so, my check engine light is on and it's been making funny noises and acting strange. We are PRETTY sure we need to replace the spark plugs and wires, and the air filter too, it's pretty grungy from driving down a lot of dirt roads lately... oh yeah, and I'm low on Oil and Anti-Freeze as well.

PLUS, we need about $150, give or take, for some improvements at my office, and those have to be done like NOW because they involve the heating system.

So that, along with some extra expenses over the last 2 weeks around the house, and there goes hubby's extra paycheck for the month of October (5 Thursdays = Extra paycheck).

WHICH, is what I was planning on us using for our anniversary. There goes that idea right out the window, along with my Sanity if I don't get a night OUT very soon!

We had planned dinner at this quiet little Cafe in town, we are friends with one of the owners, and it's a great place, practically the center of town, EVERYONE goes there. AND, it just so happens, that we ate breakfast there together the morning we got married, so eating there on our anniversary is like a tradition that I DON'T want to break!

Our plan to see a Movie... probably not gonna happen because there's no way we can afford the gas plus the cost of a movie and you cant watch a movie without at least a little popcorn and a soda...

I could REALLY use any suggestions... Our anniversary falls on a Sunday this year, we had planned on going out to celebrate the night before, but I'm not opposed to doing something during the day on Sunday instead, since that IS our anniversary after all.... breakfast at the Cafe instead of dinner.. I just have no idea what we could do instead of seeing a movie...

How Many Water Options Does YOUR Faucet Offer?

At dinner the other night everything was pretty quiet, hubby was feeding #4 some pureed carrots, we were all eating our meal when #1 spoke up and asked plain as day...

"What is there for water?"

Hmmm....

Hubby, quick as ever, replied with "hot or cold, your choice."

Boy oh boy, it's never a dull moment in our house, haha!

New Hair!

Quick post, I got my haircut, and LOVE it! I was nervous, SO nervous, and had my friend come over to cut it while hubby was gone so he couldn't talk me out of going short.

It's shorter than I had planned but It is so awesome!!!!

#4 wasn't quite sure what to think, being a baby when Mom, who supplies the FOOD, makes a drastic change to her looks... it can be a bit confusing, especially when she still SMELLS the same, so I got strange looks from her for the first day or so, but I think she has come around. She actually smiles when she sees me now!

Hubby wasn't sure what to think at first, he wouldn't even look at me for more than 2 seconds at a time for the first day, but after he had a chance to adjust to it, and it relaxed some he has decided that he really does like it after all. Which makes me happy, I was worried he was going to absolutely hate it and then I'd feel really bad. He keeps joking that "it will grow back some day" but he says he really does like it :)

ECHO... Echo... echo...

I know, I know, it's been a couple weeks since I've posted anything, sorry about that, been dealing with baby ear infections, doctors appointments, birthday parties, and work stuff, it left little time for FUN stuff like blogging.

Today I am a little nervous, I'm getting a haircut this afternoon. I haven't had a cut since January, and it was just a trim at that point. This cut will be quite the change, a good 6 inches or so at least. After 2 1/2 years the blonde hairdye is all but 2 inches grown out, this cut will completely eliminate all traces of the haircolor I had when I met my husband... and will be the first time in 13 or 14 years that my hair will be completely its original color.

Here's a few things that happened over the last week or 2 when I wasn't able to be here blogging:

• I learned, after being pinched mercilessly by an Earwig (Pincher bug) and doing lots of research on them, that NO, Earwigs do not STING you, they inject no poison, but they DO pinch and when they do that they don't let go and it FUCKING HURTS! EARWIGS SUCK AT LIFE!
  
• I became a soccer mom officially... Cleats, Shin guards, soccer practice, the whole nine-yards. SCORE! (so to speak)
  
• We SUCCESSFULLY hosted an Army theme birthday party, was very cool and hubby made an awesome cake (See picture above), there were about 12 kids here ages ranging from Newborn to 13, and not a SINGLE issue at all... We Rock!
• We took the kids to pick apples last night, bought 2 bushels so we can make and can apple sauce and apple slices (for pies and stuff through the winter). Yummy and Domestimacated!
• We got the "All Clear" from the urologist! Hubby is officially shootin' blanks, which means I don't have to worry about Sleep Sex! Now if only we had the TIME for sex.

Now... back to the real world for a bit, got work to do and errands to complete before it's time for my haircut... I may post pictures of the end results, or I may not... Yet one more reason for you to come back tomorrow!

If You're So Unhappy, Why Don't You Leave?

This is something that has driven me absolutely crazy, I see girls every day, have a few friends who deal with this crap daily almost and I HATE seeing them dealing with it... Unhappy Relationships.

I have been there, the unhappy, emotionally abusive, loveless marriage/relationship, so I know how hard it is to see whats going on right in front of you when you're IN that situation, and even when people try pointing things out to you, and all you can do is make excuses, and tell everyone "oh things aren't THAT bad, this doesn't happen very often, it was just because...... ________" Fill in the blank with reason of your choice why you're being treated like crap.

Men that are immature, lazy, disrespectful, and have "king-of-the-castle" mentality, "It's MY way or the Highway". SO many girls fall for these guys, fool themselves into thinking they are happy, and spend EVERY day complaining about things these men do.

For Example (and these are REAL things girls I know have said) -

* "He hasn't done ONE thing for the baby since he was born."
* "He doesn't respect me at all, I never feel like I'm wanted or needed."
* "He watches porn on the computer and then doesn't understand when I have no interest in sex."
* "He expects me to keep the house clean and take care of the kids all day, have dinner ready, and then doesn't care when I need a break in the evening and want him to help out with the kids."
* "All he ever does is sit in front of the TV playing video games all day."

Seriously girls, if you have SO many complaints about these guys, then WHY the hell are you still with them?!?!?!

Here are some excuses I've heard -

* "I love him."
* "We have kids together."
* "He's a great dad."
* "I have nowhere to go."
* "I'm afraid to leave and be on my own."
* "I don't have any way to support myself and the kids."
* "We are staying together for the kids."

SAD... There are ways around all of these... And chances are, yes, life will be hard, being a single parent is no fun (been there, done that) but there ARE people and places out there that WILL help you! In the end, it's PROBABLY better for ALL of you (ESPECIALLY any kids involved) if you DO separate...

Well, either get a clue and leave the idiot you're with, or shut up and deal with your misery instead of dragging EVERY one of your friends into the middle of it, cause honestly, we love you, we want you to be happy, that's why we TRY to help you when you're upset because of something idiot-boy said or did, but you never listen to us. It's quite obvious that EVERY time you come crying about the most recent incident that you are LOOKING for a way out, but whenever we TRY to help you get one, you make excuses and don't take it.

Sorry to sound like a bitch, but that's how it is.

You Never Stop Needing Your Mom

Mom: You crack me up.

Me: I do?

Mom: After 4 kids, you still ask me for advice, however, its been 15 years since I've had a baby

Me: Well, my other kids never gave me trouble about taking medication. (Baby has an ear infection)

Mom: I think its sweet... You still need me. Of course... I'm not sure how much help I really am, but I try.

Everything Happens For A Reason

You ever notice how some things just seem to happen, no matter how off the wall it seems to be, shortly after you think about the possibility of it happening?

For example, The most embarrassing email I ever sent (it's a link, click it), I happened to be thinking to myself "wouldn't it suck if this got sent to the wrong person? I'd better be careful."

And then there was the time the inspection sticker on my car ran out, but I needed new tires before I could get a new one, and I still had to pick the hubby up from work and was SO paranoid I'd get pulled over, I wound up seeing more cops that first day than ever before.

It kind of goes along with my belief in Karma (what goes around, comes around) and that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that no matter how bad things really seem to be, if you remain positive, things will work out for you. All you have to do is believe it will happen and focus on the end result you'd like to see.

For instance, our financial situation, not so great. We do what we can, but you know, things happen. We recently had a week where things were so tight, we had no money for gas, the bank account was overdrawn, and we were missing at least one thing to make a meal out of any combination of food in the cupboards. We did our best to stay positive and take things a day at a time, and after just a day or two things turned around. I had some new customers in my store, which provided gas money, and in the mail we got some coupons from a local company for $20 worth of groceries of our choice, on them. A gift for the new baby. Thinking back to needing tires to get the car inspected, hubby got a bid on a roofing job and the extra money bought our tires.

Every day I am reminded that it all works out if you just believe, and I hope that my readers have the same positive experience with their outlook on life.

Mommy, Can I Have Some Tea?

So #3 and I were practicing the alphabet this morning while I was getting #4 dressed. We are going along, I'm saying the letters and then she is repeating them, until JUST about the end, then this is how it went:

"Q"

"Q"

"R"

"R"

"S"

"S"

"T"

"Mommy, I have some Tea?"

"U"

"No, YOU get it"

LOL that kid is something else alright...

Am I Soccer Mom Material?

My two boys both just brought me Soccer sign up sheets that they got in school today, and they BOTH want to sign up...

All I could think was HOLY MONEY THIS IS GONNA BE EXPENSIVE!

BUT, it says the fees will be determined by the number of athletes signed up and WON'T exceed $30

Guess I'll have to talk to the hubby about this tonight.