The one where I apologize for not blogging in over a year.

It's halfhearted, but I apologize. Life has been so busy, ups and downs with the kids and all that good stuff. As Seinfeld would say, "Yadda, yadda, yadda".

Money sucks, has anyone mentioned that lately? Nothing like having to write a check that you KNOW will overdraw your account, to pay the rent that's already late.. Not to mention those pesky disconnect notices that keep popping up.

Oh well, if I hadn't forgotten to switch bank accounts with the school, I'd be paying bills off today, not worrying about if they'll be shut off before the money comes in. Stupid me and forgetting I closed the account my student loan money was supposed to go to... now I have to wait for a check, which could take up to 2 weeks. Blah. I need some customers to come shop, like, yesterday.

Business is good for the most part. Just still playing the catch up game from this past winter. And now Former Husband has added a whole new bunch of stress to my life. The wonderful, disconnected, "Cant be bothered to do what the judge told me to do" abusive idiot has decided he can get the courts to give him custody? Yeah, I'm trying to figure that one out too.

Won't happen, so I digress..

To top off my day... its raining, with hail, and thunder, did I mention the thunder? I don't like Thunder at all. And The Hubby and I are kind of on the outs at the moment. He's not dealing well with stress around the kids. Oldest son to be more specific. Its a tight spot to be in, and I can't say I blame him for losing his cool... hell, a year ago I was losing it myself... the difference? I got help.

HOLY BALLS OF ICE BATMAN!

I hate thunder and hail. Yuck.

Those Sirens You Heard... Yeah, They Came Here.

So I've been really stressed lately, and so after talking to hubby about everything that needed to be done this week, I decided to take today off. I closed for the day, we had some errands to run, and then came home to watch a couple Disney movies with the girls.

Hubby made lunch and was going to go work on some stuff around the house, and I had JUST sat down to post a Facebook status telling people I was closed for the day and would be open tomorrow... I took ONE bite of my lunch, and I started hearing a noise. At first it sounded like a large truck, so I didn't think much of it, but then it didn't go away, I looked at hubby...

Me: "What is that noise?"

Him: "Oh, probably someone playing loud music across the road."

............. That doesn't sound like music.........

We look at each other, eyes getting big...

Him: "SHIT, CHIMNEY FIRE!"

Me: "Aww, Hell, what's the number to 9-1-1?!?!"

OK, I'm kidding, I KNOW the number to 9-1-1... and actually he ran to the basement to check on the wood boiler thinking maybe it was going to blow off steam, and when he got there he realized it was a fire, not steam, and yelled up to call the fire department.

Thankfully we live right in town, a small town, but in town none the less, and we happen to be related to a couple of people on the department, so literally in less than 10 minutes we've got half the Volunteer Fire Department, plus two other Volunteer Fire Departments parked in front of our house directing traffic, the Chief parked his truck so close he hit my van when he got out and my Sister in law came around the corner so fast her van looked like it was gonna tip over, hehe...

Anyway, everything is fine, it actually wasn't the chimney that was on fire, but the stove pipe going from the boiler to the chimney instead... apparently it was plugged up really bad with Creosote (the residue that forms when you burn wood).

They checked the chimney with mirrors and flashlights and that was fine, so we have to let the wood boiler run cold and just use the wood stove in the dining room until the boiler gets cold and we can clean it out and replace the stove pipes.

Thank GOD for fast response time though, our fire department definitely deserves two thumbs up!

The Need For Speed Is Deep

I have this habit of waiting until the absolute LAST minute to put my brakes on when I'm driving, my husband is always commenting on it and I think it's really starting to get to him.

The other night we were on our way to the hardware store to return something and were driving down a very busy road and approaching an intersection. The car in front of us was starting to slow down, I, as usual, waited until absolutely necessary and put the brakes on just in time.

Don't get me wrong, I don't resort to squealing tires and throwing my passengers around or anything, cause that's just not soccer-mom-behavior, but I do tend to wait and then slow down quite fast and then stop completely. It makes hubby nervous.

Anyway, as I'm finally slowing down, I see something out of the corner of my right eye.

Now you should note here that my husband has not driven a vehicle in almost 2 years except to maybe move to a different place in a parking lot, someones yard, etc.

Me: "Honey...... Are you trying to step on the brakes over there?"

.......

Him: Trying..... Unfortunately my foot keeps slipping on the gas instead!"

I love my husband. Even if he is a neurotic speed demon who tries to drive instinctively from the passenger seat.

Self Analyzing

I have always been an analytical person. I would spend hours in my bedroom as a young girl writing in my diary, analyzing my life, my thoughts, my feelings, trying to find the hidden meaning behind them all.

To this day I am still like that, I analyze my dreams, life experiences, I believe most dreams are symbolic, and if I pay enough attention to what they are telling me, they can help me prepare for things ahead in my life, or help me deal with things I am currently experiencing.

Some of my dreams have been quite disturbing, and leave me physically shaken when I wake from them. Thankfully my husband and his mother are both believers in dream symbols and have been able to help me understand some of what my dreams have been trying to tell me.

I'm not really sure why I'm rambling about my dreams, I'm just in the frame of mind to analyze myself.

Being self analytical has helped me through SO many hard times in my life, and is probably one of the main reasons I am still alive.

I've never really spoken much about my first marriage on here, it has been something I've wanted to address, but could never quite find the right words to express some of the things I went through. I suppose now is as good a time as any to try.

I experienced some horrendous things during my first marriage, ate for comfort, drank to escape, I was an overweight borderline alcoholic (if that's even possible). About the time I got pregnant with my 3rd child and COULDN'T drink, I began to see my life for what it REALLY was, for how bad it had gotten since the birth of my second child a few years prior. It was a reality I almost couldn't face. Through the first 5 months of the pregnancy I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.

None of my mental/emotional issues were helped along by the fact that my husband was also expecting a child with someone else. I tried so hard to save my marriage, as miserable as it was, I was always one to believe that once you marry someone, that's it. The end.

The girlfriend was in and out of the picture for a few months, and after my husband and I discovered that I was carrying twins, only one of which was living, it was a lost cause after that. He became concerned with her and the baby she was having, leaving me to mourn the loss of our child and worry about any potential hardships the remaining baby might have to deal with.

I had what I can describe as nothing short of a mental break down. I remember being curled up in a ball on our dining room floor, crying uncontrollably, wondering if life would just be better for everyone if I were dead.

The night I caught my husband and his girlfriend having sex in our bed, I lost it completely. It was about Midnight and I took off running down the road, I had no shoes on, I don't even think I took anything, I just ran out. I could hardly see where I was going for the tears I had running from my eyes, and somehow I found myself sitting on the steps of the town library, right next to the dam of a small river. About the only thing that kept me from going over the edge of the dam that night was the baby I was carrying. I knew at that moment that I could have killed myself, but I couldn't kill someone else.

Anyway, it wasn't long after all of this that I left him. He threatened my life when I was getting ready to leave, and I got a protection from abuse order on him first thing the next day. It was the best thing I ever did, because it kept me from being able to talk to him and kept him from being able to convince me to come back and let my spirit be broken more than it already had been.

First thing I did after getting myself and my kids out of that house was to sign up for adult ed. I went back to school and less than 10 months later was attending my very own graduation ceremony where I received my GED.

The ceremony was attended by my parents, grandmother, my 3 children and the boyfriend I had started seeing just a few weeks before.

That boyfriend is now my husband and together we have 4 children and life is good!

Surprise, Surprise!

I did something this week that I never imagined I would EVER do. Something I always told myself and everyone else, that I had no intention of EVER doing. Well surprise to us all! I'm going back to school.

I enrolled in a two year program to get an Associates in Foundations of Business, with the possibility of a Bachelors in the future.

I qualified for a good amount of grants and will be using student loans to cover the rest.

So lets see, from high school drop out and teenage mom to Soccer mom of 4 working on a degree in less than 10 years. Essentially, from failure to success...

I'm nervous, more about the financial side of things than anything else, but I'm gonna try not to let it get to me, I mean my first year is COVERED with the grant and student loans, it's the second year I'll have to worry about, but I've got a year to get that figured out.

I start in 2 weeks officially but have 3 workshops to complete next week, and my enrollment counselor gave me an overview of what my first assignment will be for my first 2 classes (taking them 2 at a time), so I can get started on that instead of waiting until the last minute.

My mom is all excited, my father hasn't said much, my kids said they don't WANT me to go back to school, and my husband just doesn't want me to take on more than I can handle.

Me... I am taking this opportunity to prove a LOT of people wrong. All of those people who pegged me a failure as soon as that EPT showed a + sign when I was only 17 years old. Everyone who insisted I'd never make anything out of my life. Just going back and finishing High School 7 years after dropping out wasn't enough, a College Degree will prove them ALL wrong... and it won't hurt MY situation at all. If anything, it will help my business! :)

New Hair!

Quick post, I got my haircut, and LOVE it! I was nervous, SO nervous, and had my friend come over to cut it while hubby was gone so he couldn't talk me out of going short.

It's shorter than I had planned but It is so awesome!!!!

#4 wasn't quite sure what to think, being a baby when Mom, who supplies the FOOD, makes a drastic change to her looks... it can be a bit confusing, especially when she still SMELLS the same, so I got strange looks from her for the first day or so, but I think she has come around. She actually smiles when she sees me now!

Hubby wasn't sure what to think at first, he wouldn't even look at me for more than 2 seconds at a time for the first day, but after he had a chance to adjust to it, and it relaxed some he has decided that he really does like it after all. Which makes me happy, I was worried he was going to absolutely hate it and then I'd feel really bad. He keeps joking that "it will grow back some day" but he says he really does like it :)

If You're So Unhappy, Why Don't You Leave?

This is something that has driven me absolutely crazy, I see girls every day, have a few friends who deal with this crap daily almost and I HATE seeing them dealing with it... Unhappy Relationships.

I have been there, the unhappy, emotionally abusive, loveless marriage/relationship, so I know how hard it is to see whats going on right in front of you when you're IN that situation, and even when people try pointing things out to you, and all you can do is make excuses, and tell everyone "oh things aren't THAT bad, this doesn't happen very often, it was just because...... ________" Fill in the blank with reason of your choice why you're being treated like crap.

Men that are immature, lazy, disrespectful, and have "king-of-the-castle" mentality, "It's MY way or the Highway". SO many girls fall for these guys, fool themselves into thinking they are happy, and spend EVERY day complaining about things these men do.

For Example (and these are REAL things girls I know have said) -

* "He hasn't done ONE thing for the baby since he was born."
* "He doesn't respect me at all, I never feel like I'm wanted or needed."
* "He watches porn on the computer and then doesn't understand when I have no interest in sex."
* "He expects me to keep the house clean and take care of the kids all day, have dinner ready, and then doesn't care when I need a break in the evening and want him to help out with the kids."
* "All he ever does is sit in front of the TV playing video games all day."

Seriously girls, if you have SO many complaints about these guys, then WHY the hell are you still with them?!?!?!

Here are some excuses I've heard -

* "I love him."
* "We have kids together."
* "He's a great dad."
* "I have nowhere to go."
* "I'm afraid to leave and be on my own."
* "I don't have any way to support myself and the kids."
* "We are staying together for the kids."

SAD... There are ways around all of these... And chances are, yes, life will be hard, being a single parent is no fun (been there, done that) but there ARE people and places out there that WILL help you! In the end, it's PROBABLY better for ALL of you (ESPECIALLY any kids involved) if you DO separate...

Well, either get a clue and leave the idiot you're with, or shut up and deal with your misery instead of dragging EVERY one of your friends into the middle of it, cause honestly, we love you, we want you to be happy, that's why we TRY to help you when you're upset because of something idiot-boy said or did, but you never listen to us. It's quite obvious that EVERY time you come crying about the most recent incident that you are LOOKING for a way out, but whenever we TRY to help you get one, you make excuses and don't take it.

Sorry to sound like a bitch, but that's how it is.

What Do I Do?

So I'm having a rough day, my oldest son is being very defiant, and even took off today on his bike, saying he was running away (I knew he wouldn't so wasn't too worried, and wasn't surprised when about 15 minutes later he called from my sister in law's house crying wanting to come home).

I don't think his meds are working for him, he is on 10mg of Prozac every morning, and it was working really well for awhile, he was like a whole new kid, calm, accepting, and generally, well, normal. But over time the meds seem to be losing their potency and he is going back to his old ways.

I know I have never posted about his old ways, but let's just say, you don't want to know a kid like that. There have been days when I was sure he was either going to kill himself or someone else, and I just don't know how to deal with him when he gets like this!

I have had one counselor tell me she thinks hes got some Cognitive Delays, but he has had evaluations, both psychological and developmental and no one noticed any signs of that. I have researched it on my own and I think she's full of shit and just can't stand to be wrong.

Days like today I feel like a complete failure as a mother, I wasn't able to protect my child from whatever it was that happened to him, whatever has caused this anxiety, depression and general behavior problems. My child talks about killing himself, when he is being punished, He tells me that the reason he can't go play outside is because I am afraid he's going to kill someone... HOW do you process something like that? HOW do you DEAL with something like that? WHAT IN THE WORLD am I supposed to do?

I have spent the better part of today crying, and wishing there was someone else that could deal with him because I just can't do it anymore. I love all four of my kids, but I feel as though I have done everything I CAN do, there is nothing else LEFT for me to do! I just don't know what to do