Late Night Revelations: I Think I Just Forgave Him....

I left myself a note with the link to a friend's blog entry from the end of 2009, and a certain name and saved it here in a draft called "Emotional Cheating". I guess that means I'm supposed to tell you about my experience with that.

First, I recommend you go visit Chibi Jeebs' blog and browse around a bit, it's fantastic and I can wait.

You back? Good. Now I need to go back.. God, it's been so long. Well, Oldest Son (#1) is going on ten, so that means it was.... ummm.... 8 1/2 years ago.... Yeah I guess that sounds about right, wow....

Anyway, This post on Chibi Jeebs' blog is the one I was specifically referring to. It discusses emotional cheating. To be honest, until I read this blog entry, I had only ever heard that term once, a comment (or series of comments) from my father, to my mother, about a family friend (yeah... more on that later, this is about me). I had no idea it was "real".

After reading Chibi's blog entry, and the included link to a Wiki page about emotional cheating/affairs, I realized that Yes, it is in fact a real thing, and I've done it.

Rewind a number of years, 9 is probably sufficient, and let me set the scene for you:

I'm an 18 (barely) year old first time mother of a 6 month old, living with my boyfriend (baby daddy, and future first husband) of 2 years. Boyfriend is a total asshole and treats me like a child, yet expects me to be a perfect "housewife" (read: Maid & Sex Slave). My mother is staying with us temporarily as she's going through a lot... surprisingly this isn't a huge problem, aside from the fact that she's Bipolar and currently dealing with a huge round of sexual addition, leading her to a series of one-night-stands with internet strangers. One of whom, happens to be a gateway to one of the best things that ever happened to me. Let's call him "T".

At 18, I had a very vague idea of what a man should be... growing up my father was a little harsher than necessary to put it mildly. My mother was Co-dependent at best, on top of being bipolar/manic-depressive, so growing up was highly unstable and when I finally moved out (and into my boyfriend's house), I had no idea what I was doing, and basically allowed him to become a father figure to replace the one I had just left.

Life got even more unstable.

So fast forward to 18 years old, a new mom, lonely because my asshole boyfriend was always at work or sleeping, I hated sleeping alone and the baby was awake all night anyway, so I was on a nighttime schedule myself. Late nights with nothing to do, I found solace in the internet, chat rooms to be specific. My mother had made friends with a group of guys that all rented a house together and had funny nicknames for each other. They were hilarious. We all got along well and chatted regularly, however I became particularly close to "T".

He had this old soul feel about him and I was drawn to it. We chatted every day and night whenever possible. I would look at his pictures and we would go on webcam together, and it was great. I thrived on the attention he was giving me, and I'm not sure I would have made it through my PPD (post-partum depression - remind me to tell you that story later) without having him to fall back on when I needed someone to talk to. He made me feel amazing about myself. I would go on webcam and he would make me feel beautiful and sexy, I took pictures of myself and would send them to him, and he made me feel so great, I had never had someone in my life who made me feel anything but ugly and fat.

My mother thought it was great that he and I were such good friends, since she was sleeping with one of his roommates, I don't think she ever realized how intense it was for me.

Essentially, I fell in love with him. The idea of him, the way he made me feel, the things he said to me, the things he said he wanted to do to me, all of it. The whole idea of "T" just awed and amazed me. My mother and I loved to go to him when in need of suggestions for music to download, We would tell him "We Need some 'T'-Tunes!" and he would set us up with a playlist to download. He had the most unique taste in music, and introduced me to some of the most unusual things that I probably never would have heard if it weren't for him. To this day I can't hear the song Brandy (You're a Fine Girl) by Looking Glass without thinking of him.

Unfortunately, he also wasn't interested in a relationship (he had his own emotional hangups and a bad history with them), and I wasn't interested in breaking up my relationship and having my child be from a broken home. -- Too bad for me, he may have had a chance at a normal life if I had left then. I knew deep down it would never go anywhere, but I held on, I still craved that attention, the self-esteem boost, how he made me feel, all of it.

"T" was older, 9 years if I recall correctly. Being young that seems like ages. Yet, he also seemed so much wiser than what I had experience with (Obviously, because he was...) and we seemed to be on the same level in so many ways. I really believe he was my first adult LOVE.

Now that I've written about him and listened to that song, for some reason, I kind of get the feeling that the reason he suggested that song was perhaps to tell me in his own way that he couldn't be with me, for whatever reasons he had, he wanted me to know that and he had a hard time getting me to understand that.

After about a year of being completely head over heels for him and having all kinds of trouble in "paradise" (yeah right, the sarcasm, it swells), things finally came to a head.

Boyfriend and I had let a friend of mine from school come stay with us for a couple months. She needed to get back to the city (about 3 hours away) to get some of her things from her former boyfriends apartment and we had no way to get here there. Knight-in-shining-armor, here comes "T", and his roommates, driving 2 hours to my house to pick her up and drive her down there (back through their neck of the woods and then another hour further) to get her things. She hung out at their place for a few days until Boyfriend and I could get down there to pick her up.

That was the first time I saw "T" in person, he was IN MY HOUSE! In my dining room. The same room I would sit on the computer late at night and talk to him, about all the deep dark secrets in my 18 year old head. All the dreams I had, the fantasies I had for the two of us, that he had told me could never come true. It was overwhelming, that feeling of seeing him in person for the first time, and nothing I had felt for him prior to that night changed except to perhaps get stronger.

After Boyfriend and I found our way to "T"s house to pick up my friend, I was introduced to the world of the "Willow Street Wino's" for the first time. It was everything I had imagined and more. Typical bachelor pad, times 3, but nice nonetheless.

Things went back to normal for a few weeks, until Boyfriend and I were gone to a company Christmas party and left my friend at the house while we were gone for the night. We had asked her to not have anyone over while we were gone (obviously because we didn't want people we didn't know in our house), and when we came home the next morning, she was gone.

It turned out (after turning the computer on and her messenger account was logged in and I browsed her chat history to see if I could find out where she had gone) "T" had driven up, picked her up, and she went back to his place with him. I also found out that they had slept together.

I was shattered. Absolutely destroyed. I fell apart, everything around me failed to make sense. My best friend had slept with the guy I was in love with, and she KNEW how I felt about him. Forget the fact that I was in a relationship with someone and had a child with him, that meant nothing at this point.

I cut ties with both of them immediately, I was devastated, and it still cuts me like a knife to think about the way they both betrayed me. That hurt worse than when Former Husband knocked up my sister! (More on that later... that's a few months worth of posts and PTSD).

And now I understand why I was drawn to Chibi Jeebs' blog, and read her specific entry on emotional cheating. I was having an emotional affair. I had no idea at the time, I had no idea until 8 1/2 years later when I browsed a friends blog and found an entry about it.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I also feel that for some reason, I was meant to write about this tonight. After looking up that song and listening to it, it finally dawned on me what he was trying to tell me with that song all those years ago. After figuring that out, it became clear that the reason he slept with my best friend was because I was being naive and wouldn't give up on the idea of he and I being together one day. He knew it could never happen, for whatever reason, and did what was necessary to make me see it.

Mission accomplished I'd say. Sleep with a girls best friend and the chances are good she will never want to speak to you again.

I did track him down a number of years later, it was almost 4 years ago now I believe, shortly after I moved in with the Current Husband, and we caught up on what had gone on over the 4 years since we hadn't spoken. It was friendly, it was neutral, I still cared for him, but I was over him. I think maybe I just needed that confirmation before I could commit to someone else fully, someone who reminded me so much of him (Yeah, Current Husband and "T" have some VERY similar physical and personality traits, apparently, they are both the epitome of "MY TYPE" - The opposite of Former Husband).

Now that I've re-lived all of that, made some realizations about things that happened that I probably never would have otherwise considered, I think I've just forgiven him for hurting me so bad. I don't know if I'll ever forgive my friend, but I think maybe he cared enough about me to hurt me the way he did before it got worse.

Tough love I suppose. I think I'm thankful for that :)

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So a couple months ago I let #1 & #2 sign up for Soccer, it was a good experience and really helped out with #1's self esteem issues, which helped his anxiety and depression, not so much with the possible ADHD, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Soccer got over and life went back to normal... kinda. Except a week or so later, I started college, and EVERYONE in the house got sick, the last month has been SO crazy around here!

Last night we had parent teacher conferences... they went well over all, so that was good, minor issues, but each teacher came prepared with a plan for tackling or at least learning to cope with each one (Tourette's Tics especially!), which was nice. I like having other people suggest things instead of telling me "We have this, this and this problem with your kid, and we need you to do something about it."... nope, I like hearing "... but, I came up with a plan today and I'm going to try it out and I'll let you know how it goes!" - LOVE a good proactive teacher! Of course, she was #1's teacher last year so I think she was prepared with how to deal with us, hehe.

After conferences we walked around the school and checked out the Literacy fair they had going on, it was really cool to see some of the information about reading that they had available, and made me want to encourage the kids to read every night even more than I already did.

In the Gym they had Basketball sign-ups. #1 really wanted to do it, and it's free, so why not, right? RIGHT?!?!

Except I've already got a lot on my plate...
For example:

1. I work full time, and I work for myself, so I can't just take time off (See This Post For More On That)
2. I'm a full time college student. Yes, it's online college, but still, You have NO idea the workload associated with that unless you've done it, and let's just say thank GOD I have an understanding hubby!
3. I have 4 kids... two of which have strict sleep schedules and we get to live through HELL when those schedules are disrupted.
4. My husband doesn't drive... Long story behind that, but he doesn't. So I am the taxi driver of the family, which means from 4:30-5:30 Monday - Thursday, I'm occupied, no rescheduling of that.
5. I have special needs children that see multiple specialists of different types... that takes up a LOT of time!
6. As good as my husband is about helping around the house with cooking and cleaning... HE needs help with it all sometimes, so me being this busy is NOT good for his sanity!
7. #1 did sign up for Basketball... *Sigh*

Looking back over this list, it's easy to see why I have no sex life as of late!

Swine Flu?

So a few days ago hubby and I suffered celebrated our wedding anniversary.

Yeah, "Congratulations", Thanks... NOT!

Not saying I'm not immensely thrilled to add another year to our history, I LOVE being married to the man, but OH... MY.... GOD!

The ordeal started 4 days before our anniversary, and then a couple days after still...

Day 1: I get a phone call that hubby is getting out of work early... in an ambulance. He's having severe pain he thinks may be related to a procedure he had done months ago. I'm freaking out and meet him at the ER. They do an ultrasound, everything looks ok except he has severe bruising and some swelling. Prescribe bed-rest, anti-inflammatory and pain meds.

Day 2: I wake up completely and utterly sick. I'll spare you the details but I spent the majority of my day sleeping and/or in the bathroom. Conclusion: Hubby got absolutely NO help all day.

Day 3: I wake up feeling better, hubby is in more pain, we assume due to not being able to rest the day before. As the day progresses, his condition gets severely worse. BACK to the ER. Dr examines him and agrees with prior prescriptions, but also prescribes an antibiotic and a different pain med.

Day 4: I wake up feeling slightly ill again... just in time to hear the sounds of #2 running to the bathroom to repeat the day I had on Day 2. #1 has a majorly nasty sounding cough and a fever. I proceed to call the sitters we had lined up to let them know the kids will not be coming... and find out that it's probably a good thing because both sitters families are sick as well.

Day 5: Our Anniversary. Hubby still not feeling well, and resolved to stay in bed no matter what so he can get better. He tells #1 that HE will be staying in bed with him because he refuses to rest in his own room, hence being sick for a week. Call third sitter to see if she still wants to take #4... her son woke up with the flu.

In the end, our wedding anniversary was spent couped up with sick kids, a sick hubby, and nothing to do.

I resolved to join the sick bed and gave myself a severe case of SWine Flu.

Ooooh, Baby You Read My Mind.

Yeah, so my husband and I have always had this uncanny knack of being able to read each others minds, finish each others sentences, say what the other is thinking, etc.

Example:

The other night we had picked up some food from the store, stuff to have mexican food for dinner, some milk for cereal in the morning, and egg nog just cause we love it.

So I'm putting the milk and egg nog into the fridge, and almost, by habit, put the egg nog on the bottom shelf of the door. That's where we keep the milk because our fridge is weird and that's the only place it wont freeze or spoil when the weather is warm, plus the kids can reach it.

I second guessed myself thinking "If I put this on the bottom shelf, someone is going to wind up putting it in cereal in the morning, I can see it now".

Turned around... and hubby starts on saying "You know, I once put egg nog in my cereal because I was out of milk."

Wow.....

The Need For Speed Is Deep

I have this habit of waiting until the absolute LAST minute to put my brakes on when I'm driving, my husband is always commenting on it and I think it's really starting to get to him.

The other night we were on our way to the hardware store to return something and were driving down a very busy road and approaching an intersection. The car in front of us was starting to slow down, I, as usual, waited until absolutely necessary and put the brakes on just in time.

Don't get me wrong, I don't resort to squealing tires and throwing my passengers around or anything, cause that's just not soccer-mom-behavior, but I do tend to wait and then slow down quite fast and then stop completely. It makes hubby nervous.

Anyway, as I'm finally slowing down, I see something out of the corner of my right eye.

Now you should note here that my husband has not driven a vehicle in almost 2 years except to maybe move to a different place in a parking lot, someones yard, etc.

Me: "Honey...... Are you trying to step on the brakes over there?"

.......

Him: Trying..... Unfortunately my foot keeps slipping on the gas instead!"

I love my husband. Even if he is a neurotic speed demon who tries to drive instinctively from the passenger seat.

Self Analyzing

I have always been an analytical person. I would spend hours in my bedroom as a young girl writing in my diary, analyzing my life, my thoughts, my feelings, trying to find the hidden meaning behind them all.

To this day I am still like that, I analyze my dreams, life experiences, I believe most dreams are symbolic, and if I pay enough attention to what they are telling me, they can help me prepare for things ahead in my life, or help me deal with things I am currently experiencing.

Some of my dreams have been quite disturbing, and leave me physically shaken when I wake from them. Thankfully my husband and his mother are both believers in dream symbols and have been able to help me understand some of what my dreams have been trying to tell me.

I'm not really sure why I'm rambling about my dreams, I'm just in the frame of mind to analyze myself.

Being self analytical has helped me through SO many hard times in my life, and is probably one of the main reasons I am still alive.

I've never really spoken much about my first marriage on here, it has been something I've wanted to address, but could never quite find the right words to express some of the things I went through. I suppose now is as good a time as any to try.

I experienced some horrendous things during my first marriage, ate for comfort, drank to escape, I was an overweight borderline alcoholic (if that's even possible). About the time I got pregnant with my 3rd child and COULDN'T drink, I began to see my life for what it REALLY was, for how bad it had gotten since the birth of my second child a few years prior. It was a reality I almost couldn't face. Through the first 5 months of the pregnancy I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.

None of my mental/emotional issues were helped along by the fact that my husband was also expecting a child with someone else. I tried so hard to save my marriage, as miserable as it was, I was always one to believe that once you marry someone, that's it. The end.

The girlfriend was in and out of the picture for a few months, and after my husband and I discovered that I was carrying twins, only one of which was living, it was a lost cause after that. He became concerned with her and the baby she was having, leaving me to mourn the loss of our child and worry about any potential hardships the remaining baby might have to deal with.

I had what I can describe as nothing short of a mental break down. I remember being curled up in a ball on our dining room floor, crying uncontrollably, wondering if life would just be better for everyone if I were dead.

The night I caught my husband and his girlfriend having sex in our bed, I lost it completely. It was about Midnight and I took off running down the road, I had no shoes on, I don't even think I took anything, I just ran out. I could hardly see where I was going for the tears I had running from my eyes, and somehow I found myself sitting on the steps of the town library, right next to the dam of a small river. About the only thing that kept me from going over the edge of the dam that night was the baby I was carrying. I knew at that moment that I could have killed myself, but I couldn't kill someone else.

Anyway, it wasn't long after all of this that I left him. He threatened my life when I was getting ready to leave, and I got a protection from abuse order on him first thing the next day. It was the best thing I ever did, because it kept me from being able to talk to him and kept him from being able to convince me to come back and let my spirit be broken more than it already had been.

First thing I did after getting myself and my kids out of that house was to sign up for adult ed. I went back to school and less than 10 months later was attending my very own graduation ceremony where I received my GED.

The ceremony was attended by my parents, grandmother, my 3 children and the boyfriend I had started seeing just a few weeks before.

That boyfriend is now my husband and together we have 4 children and life is good!

Free Or Super Cheap Anniversary Ideas

Hubby and I had planned on getting babysitters for all 4 kids (first time anyone's taken #4!) and going out for Dinner and a Movie to celebrate our upcoming wedding anniversary.

Unfortunately, Life is a bitch.

My van started acting up over the past week or so, my check engine light is on and it's been making funny noises and acting strange. We are PRETTY sure we need to replace the spark plugs and wires, and the air filter too, it's pretty grungy from driving down a lot of dirt roads lately... oh yeah, and I'm low on Oil and Anti-Freeze as well.

PLUS, we need about $150, give or take, for some improvements at my office, and those have to be done like NOW because they involve the heating system.

So that, along with some extra expenses over the last 2 weeks around the house, and there goes hubby's extra paycheck for the month of October (5 Thursdays = Extra paycheck).

WHICH, is what I was planning on us using for our anniversary. There goes that idea right out the window, along with my Sanity if I don't get a night OUT very soon!

We had planned dinner at this quiet little Cafe in town, we are friends with one of the owners, and it's a great place, practically the center of town, EVERYONE goes there. AND, it just so happens, that we ate breakfast there together the morning we got married, so eating there on our anniversary is like a tradition that I DON'T want to break!

Our plan to see a Movie... probably not gonna happen because there's no way we can afford the gas plus the cost of a movie and you cant watch a movie without at least a little popcorn and a soda...

I could REALLY use any suggestions... Our anniversary falls on a Sunday this year, we had planned on going out to celebrate the night before, but I'm not opposed to doing something during the day on Sunday instead, since that IS our anniversary after all.... breakfast at the Cafe instead of dinner.. I just have no idea what we could do instead of seeing a movie...

The Debate Over Flirting

My previous entry, about whether or not its ok to flirt with married men/women sparked a bit of interest. Comments were left, emails were sent, tweets were twittered, etc. I have heard arguments from both perspectives.

I felt maybe I should clarify some as to what sparked the train of thought resulting in that entry.

When I was younger, I had this on again, off again boyfriend. It started way back in Grade School, we were like Cory and Topanga on the show "Boy Meets World". Best friends when we weren't "together" as well as when we were. I always seemed to be the one to break it off, but he was always there as a backup when it didn't work out for me with someone else.

About 12 years ago, due to circumstances beyond our control, we became separated by distance, a distance the length of numerous states.

A few months after his departure he wrote to me and professed his love, insisting that one day, as soon as he could, he would return and ask me to marry him.

I was in high school, nowhere near ready to be thinking about marriage, much less marrying a guy who was no longer in the same state as me, and who wouldn't be until well after high school was over. He expected me to finish high school out WITHOUT dating anyone, and just wait for him? I didn't think so.

We continued to write letters back and forth, and call to wish each other a Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas, things like that. He did come back to visit old friends and some family once or twice and we were able to see each other briefly, but that was about the extent of it.

Over time I met and fell in love with a guy, and we got engaged. I also became pregnant. This old boyfriend of mine was devastated and promptly stopped contacting me or returning my letters. I moved on, got married, and continued with my life.

After that marriage ended in divorce many years later, and I was working on rebuilding my life and old friendships that I had been forced to abandon, I found this old boyfriend on a social networking site. I had looked for him online in the past, but never was able to find him. At this time he was also going through a divorce, and ironically we had left our spouses within days of each other. He felt it was fate, that we were meant to find each other, and he told me he planned to move back as soon as his divorce was final and he wanted us to give it another try when he did.

I admit, I considered the possibility. He was, after all, my old stand by. My marriage had failed, why not fall back into my safety net?

After seriously contemplating the possibilities, I realized that, no, it couldn't happen. I had changed and grown in so many ways, not all good ways. I had lost my innocence in a number of ways since the last time we had seen each other, and when I thought of him, I thought of my innocent self. I tried to imagine what it would be like for us to be together after all the things I had been through (many of which I will never post online), and when I tried to imagine us being intimate, I realized that it couldn't happen. We were not the same 2 people we had been before, He was part of my innocence, I could never have sex with him. Not that that is the whole story, but that is about as clearly as I can ever explain it to anyone.

At the time I was considering this, I was also getting to know another man, someone I had been getting to know for many months before I found my old boyfriend on that social networking site, someone who actually lived in the same state as me. I decided to take a leap of faith and NOT go back to my safety net. I chose the road least traveled. Old BF wasn't happy about that and continued to try and convince me that we should be together.

Over time I thought he had figured out that it wasn't going to happen. Especially after I married and had a child with the man down the road least traveled. I thought I had made it clear to everyone just how blissfully happy I AM with this man. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me! My old BF even went and got married to the girl he was seeing shortly after finding out that my husband and I had gotten married. I thought it was over.

Until yesterday. I posted a status on this unnamed social networking site, and this is about how it went:

Me: Head. Pounding. Pressure. Pain. Shoot. Me. NOW.

Him: Get a massage. It always worked before.

Me: No one around to massage it for me and me doing it isn't working... hubby is still at work and has his class tonight. And.... WOW..... I haven't seen you in like 10 years and you remember that?

Him: Some things are way too good to forget.

Me: (Trying to avoid where the conversation appeared to be going) Good point.... on the other hand, there are all those things you wish you COULD forget but you can't.

Him: There are a lot of things that I never have been able to forget about.

Me: (Not sure what to say) I believe you.

Him: I miss you.

Now... I really didn't know what to say after that, so I dropped it, went offline completely.

I talked to hubby about it that evening and he said that if he were in the same shoes as that guy, and it was his old GF posting about having a headache, and he wasn't with me... he would feel as if HE should be there to help her through the headache... that by keeping him on my friends list, I am in essence, leading him on.

Should I just remove him completely? I hate to seem like a bitch, I mean he and I have been friends since like 2nd or 3rd grade, and we are nearly into our 30's now! That's a LONG time to be friends with someone, a lot of history. I hate the idea of being rude to people, because I'm just NOT the bitch type, unless I HAVE to be... so the question is...

Do I have to be a bitch?

Is It Ok To Flirt With A Married Man/Woman?

Contemplating: Is infidelity so commonplace these days that people feel it's really "OK" to flirt with a clearly happily married person? I mean sure, you may be attracted to the person, or you may have "been there first", but they are married... MARRIED, you know, emphasis on that nasty M word right there... Whether they are happy or not, I just don't feel that that is ok...

When a person marries someone, they are committing themselves to THAT person, not leaving themselves open for someone like YOU to begin or even continue the flirting, suggestive comments, or even eyeing them in any way, shape or form.

Once that marriage license is signed and someone's name gets changed (or not as the case may be), you need to respect the life decision that has been made, and back off...

Nuff Said.

ECHO... Echo... echo...

I know, I know, it's been a couple weeks since I've posted anything, sorry about that, been dealing with baby ear infections, doctors appointments, birthday parties, and work stuff, it left little time for FUN stuff like blogging.

Today I am a little nervous, I'm getting a haircut this afternoon. I haven't had a cut since January, and it was just a trim at that point. This cut will be quite the change, a good 6 inches or so at least. After 2 1/2 years the blonde hairdye is all but 2 inches grown out, this cut will completely eliminate all traces of the haircolor I had when I met my husband... and will be the first time in 13 or 14 years that my hair will be completely its original color.

Here's a few things that happened over the last week or 2 when I wasn't able to be here blogging:

• I learned, after being pinched mercilessly by an Earwig (Pincher bug) and doing lots of research on them, that NO, Earwigs do not STING you, they inject no poison, but they DO pinch and when they do that they don't let go and it FUCKING HURTS! EARWIGS SUCK AT LIFE!
  
• I became a soccer mom officially... Cleats, Shin guards, soccer practice, the whole nine-yards. SCORE! (so to speak)
  
• We SUCCESSFULLY hosted an Army theme birthday party, was very cool and hubby made an awesome cake (See picture above), there were about 12 kids here ages ranging from Newborn to 13, and not a SINGLE issue at all... We Rock!
• We took the kids to pick apples last night, bought 2 bushels so we can make and can apple sauce and apple slices (for pies and stuff through the winter). Yummy and Domestimacated!
• We got the "All Clear" from the urologist! Hubby is officially shootin' blanks, which means I don't have to worry about Sleep Sex! Now if only we had the TIME for sex.

Now... back to the real world for a bit, got work to do and errands to complete before it's time for my haircut... I may post pictures of the end results, or I may not... Yet one more reason for you to come back tomorrow!

If You're So Unhappy, Why Don't You Leave?

This is something that has driven me absolutely crazy, I see girls every day, have a few friends who deal with this crap daily almost and I HATE seeing them dealing with it... Unhappy Relationships.

I have been there, the unhappy, emotionally abusive, loveless marriage/relationship, so I know how hard it is to see whats going on right in front of you when you're IN that situation, and even when people try pointing things out to you, and all you can do is make excuses, and tell everyone "oh things aren't THAT bad, this doesn't happen very often, it was just because...... ________" Fill in the blank with reason of your choice why you're being treated like crap.

Men that are immature, lazy, disrespectful, and have "king-of-the-castle" mentality, "It's MY way or the Highway". SO many girls fall for these guys, fool themselves into thinking they are happy, and spend EVERY day complaining about things these men do.

For Example (and these are REAL things girls I know have said) -

* "He hasn't done ONE thing for the baby since he was born."
* "He doesn't respect me at all, I never feel like I'm wanted or needed."
* "He watches porn on the computer and then doesn't understand when I have no interest in sex."
* "He expects me to keep the house clean and take care of the kids all day, have dinner ready, and then doesn't care when I need a break in the evening and want him to help out with the kids."
* "All he ever does is sit in front of the TV playing video games all day."

Seriously girls, if you have SO many complaints about these guys, then WHY the hell are you still with them?!?!?!

Here are some excuses I've heard -

* "I love him."
* "We have kids together."
* "He's a great dad."
* "I have nowhere to go."
* "I'm afraid to leave and be on my own."
* "I don't have any way to support myself and the kids."
* "We are staying together for the kids."

SAD... There are ways around all of these... And chances are, yes, life will be hard, being a single parent is no fun (been there, done that) but there ARE people and places out there that WILL help you! In the end, it's PROBABLY better for ALL of you (ESPECIALLY any kids involved) if you DO separate...

Well, either get a clue and leave the idiot you're with, or shut up and deal with your misery instead of dragging EVERY one of your friends into the middle of it, cause honestly, we love you, we want you to be happy, that's why we TRY to help you when you're upset because of something idiot-boy said or did, but you never listen to us. It's quite obvious that EVERY time you come crying about the most recent incident that you are LOOKING for a way out, but whenever we TRY to help you get one, you make excuses and don't take it.

Sorry to sound like a bitch, but that's how it is.

Everything Happens For A Reason

You ever notice how some things just seem to happen, no matter how off the wall it seems to be, shortly after you think about the possibility of it happening?

For example, The most embarrassing email I ever sent (it's a link, click it), I happened to be thinking to myself "wouldn't it suck if this got sent to the wrong person? I'd better be careful."

And then there was the time the inspection sticker on my car ran out, but I needed new tires before I could get a new one, and I still had to pick the hubby up from work and was SO paranoid I'd get pulled over, I wound up seeing more cops that first day than ever before.

It kind of goes along with my belief in Karma (what goes around, comes around) and that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that no matter how bad things really seem to be, if you remain positive, things will work out for you. All you have to do is believe it will happen and focus on the end result you'd like to see.

For instance, our financial situation, not so great. We do what we can, but you know, things happen. We recently had a week where things were so tight, we had no money for gas, the bank account was overdrawn, and we were missing at least one thing to make a meal out of any combination of food in the cupboards. We did our best to stay positive and take things a day at a time, and after just a day or two things turned around. I had some new customers in my store, which provided gas money, and in the mail we got some coupons from a local company for $20 worth of groceries of our choice, on them. A gift for the new baby. Thinking back to needing tires to get the car inspected, hubby got a bid on a roofing job and the extra money bought our tires.

Every day I am reminded that it all works out if you just believe, and I hope that my readers have the same positive experience with their outlook on life.

Product Review: St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub

No, I am NOT being paid or compensated in ANY way to post this opinion on St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub.

-------------

Now that we have the formalities out of the way:

I LOVE IT!

Now, I'm typically an avid Avon user, but have been looking for a good exfoliant for awhile and hadn't found one through Avon yet (I AM associated with an Avon Independent Sales Rep. who provides for all of my Avon needs - Click the word Avon anywhere in this post and check out her site - so even though I appreciate any potential offers, I am already covered, thanks!)

Back to my story...

I got this and another St. Ives product from one of those Sample people (you know, like in Walmart Supercenters and SAMs club and places like that) and was excited to try this especially (the other was a Collagen Elastin moisturizer and Avon already has me covered in that department!), I have loved all the St. Ives products I have tried in the past (though there was a peel off face masque that caused my face to turn bright red... BUT I think that's cause I was pregnant... hormones you know), Anyway, I tried this in the shower last night, and my face feels GREAT! Immediately after I rinsed it off, my skin felt SOOOOOOOO smooth, it was awesome, I can't wait to try it again! Thankfully it wasn't a little dinky sample pack or something, it was an actual tube of it, possibly even full size.

-------------

Here's the details from their site:

Brighten Up. Your face comes first, and when it looks great, you do too. St. Ives Fresh Skin products - formulated from ingredients you know, like apricots, minerals and olives - give you the power to uncover your best you - naturally revealing fresh, glowing skin.

Invigorating Apricot Scrub

Exfoliates to reveal smooth, radiant skin

From America's #1 Scrub brand*, this award-winning Apricot Scrub deep cleans, instantly leaving skin smooth and glowing.

• Oil Free
• Non-Irritating
• Dermatologist Tested
• 100% Natural Exfoliants
• 100% Natural Extracts
• Formulated without Parabens and Phthalates
• Made without animal ingredients
• Not tested on animals

how to use

Moisten face with water. Dispense product onto fingertips and massage over face. Rinse with water. Avoid direct contact with eyes. In case of contact with eyes, flush thoroughly with water. For best results use 3 to 4 times per week.

*IRI F/D/M all outlet unit sales 52 wks ended 11/23/08.

Sleep Sex

I was browsing some blogs I found recently and got hooked on this one called "Thystle Says", going down through some of her blog entries, I come across this one:

Thystle Says: What the? (Click it, it's a link, just doesn't look like one!)

Talking about Ambien and the side effects, and I quote:

"Ambien has warnings like "may result in amnesia". No shit. Among reported side effects are "sleep eating" (not awesome) "sleep driving" (kind of awesome) "sleep sex" (awesome for the spouse) and so on. Basically, if you were doing it, or even thinking very hard about it when you fall asleep, you run the risk of doing it while you sleep.

And not remembering it."

And I posted a comment:

"Sleep sex... I can do that without Ambien! That's how my husband and I had sex the first time LOL! No seriously, now I may have to go blog that story... right now..." (Quoting myself, that's great!)

So here I am, blogging the story..

I won't go into all the details of what happened BEFORE the first weekend we spent together, but let's leave it at, we had never had sex (It's TRUE!)

So we made plans to spend the weekend together at my house (it was a long distance relationship, which probably contributed to the lack of adult activities), and the first night we had dinner (or he did anyway, I was still anxious about eating in front of him so I starved), watched a movie, listened to some music, and then it was bedtime.

He was all ready to sleep on the couch, but let's be honest here, my couch was REALLY old and had about 2 inch thick padding with PLYWOOD underneath (second hand of course, and smelled like the storage unit it had been in too), so I said "No, don't be silly, I have a KING SIZE bed, you can sleep in the bed with me, I'm not gonna make you sleep on THAT."

So we went to bed.

And we went to sleep.

Sure, there was some cuddling, but that's it!

About 4am the next morning, I wake-up, and we are TOTALLY going at it!

Apparently he had the same wake-up call I did.

Since then, we have mastered Sleep Sex, and let me say once again:

THANK GOD FOR VASECTOMIES!

Most Embarrassing Email You Ever Sent?

So I participated in a radio show this morning, people were calling in about the most embarrassing email they ever sent. There were a lot of them, about sending nude photos to the boss, venting about the boss and accidentally sending it to the boss instead of coworkers, etc.

Mine on the other hand wasn't an email but an instant message, a few years ago when I was trying out the online dating thing... I was talking to 2 different guys at the same time and was having a hard time deciding which way to go, but hey, I was pretty newly single and wasn't in any rush to decide...

I was chatting with both guys one night and a friend of mine as well, Guy #1 and I were having a really nice conversation and Guy #2 was flirting and being his normal pervy self. I went and copied the conversation Guy #1 and I were having, and went to my task bar at the bottom of the screen to open the messenger box to my best friend, Clicked her name, and without hesitating pasted and sent the conversation. About 5 seconds later I realized that instead of HER message box popping up, it had brought up the message box of Guy #2.

Needless to say, Guy #2 wasn't in the picture much longer, and Guy #1 is now my husband :)

About The Author

I figured since I have been blogging for awhile, you might want to know a little more about me since I haven't really said too much... So let's proceed to the 4 letter words!

Love: I have a wonderful husband who is supportive in everything that I do, in all the years we have been together, we have never once had a fight, he is the picture of a perfect husband and father. He works 40 hours a week outside of the home, comes home in the evening, helps with dinner and housework, spends time with me and plays with the kids, and never makes me feel less than worthy even when I'm having a hard time keeping up, he just takes up the slack and helps me get back to normal.

Kids: I have Four, two daughters and two sons, the perfect balance that I always dreamed of. They are all spaced 2-3 years apart, so you can imagine the extreme variety in what we are dealing with! From Diapers to the Tooth Fairy, Coloring Books to Homework.

Diet: I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, the result of which is a bit of a weight problem associated with eating for comfort, as well as only eating convenience foods. Since my husband and I have been together he has introduced me to a much healthier diet, that almost completely eliminates High Fructose Corn Syrup (because lets face it, that stuff just ain't good for ya!) and lots of other nasty stuff. All of our meat is purchased at a local grocery where the owner is very careful about not selling meat that has been injected with dyes, saline solutions, or raised on artificial growth hormones. We eat many more vegetables than I ever had growing up and even grow our own when possible. As for convenience foods, you really won't find any in our house, almost everything we eat is home made, we even bake our own breads whenever possible!

Work: Ahh, yes, we knew this was coming, because really, you'll be hard pressed to find a blog out there on the world wide web that doesn't mention some money making scheme, LOL! Ok, seriously, I really do work. I am self employed, I run a store that is located right next to my house, I literally walk about 10 steps to work every day! I won't say what I sell because that's a whole other blog, and it IS out there, if you can find it LOL! There are SOME things I do online to make money as well, such as Yuwie, Clixsense and Swagbucks. I will post more about those later, but I will give you a brief bit now... between the three of them I have made well over $150 and yes, I have been paid... Yuwie pays via Paypal or Check, Clixsense pays via check and Swagbucks you redeem for Gift Cards (I always get Amazon.com cards)

When Do Parents Have Time For Sex?

Seriously, I don't think I remember the last time my husband and I had sex. I know it was sometime in the last year cause well, it's been a year since our youngest child was conceived, but after that fact, I can't honestly tell you anymore.

I may have to do something to rectify the situation, which probably means it will happen when we are completely exhausted, and so neither of us will enjoy it all that much, but at least no one can say we aren't trying!

I Feel Successful.

It is a good, warm, smile inducing feeling to walk into the room where your infant child is screaming after waking up from a nap in her Pack N' Play, walking over so she can see you, and quite dramatically the screaming instantly stops and is replaced by a half smile, which signals she is still quite displeased by her empty stomach, but knows full well that her Mamacakes will very soon put an end to the suffering.

Yes, I was blessed with large breasts, and they are much more than just playthings for my husband!

True Love Is...

Kissing your spouse on the stairs... one partner on her way from the bathroom, the other on his way to the bathroom