And if we're being honest....

Then honestly I think I need a drink.

But for now, Lindt Intense Mint Chocolate will have to do. Especially since I'm at work, and even though I know my boss wouldn't complain about me drinking on the job, I'm afraid I may over/under charge customers, and THAT my friends, would be a problem.

I just spent two and a half hours filling out paperwork for my various offspring and their various STUFF.

Oldest Daughter (4) had a packet of information that required me to provide them with all but documentation confirming that she does, in fact, live on the planet Earth. I do however have to provide documentation confirming that she does live in our town. Damn Pre-Kindergarten and your need to know everything from conception to now.

For Youngest Son (7) I had to fill out two wonderful packets of information. They required damn near the same information that Oldest Daughter's paperwork needed, and I had to do his twice. Darn Psychiatrists and Developmental Specialists... thinking they need to know all this stuff... I'm still trying to understand why they need to know if he masturbates... and why they think I would know this.

Slow day at work, which is nice because it left me plenty of time to get that paperwork done... most of which I've had for a good month or more and "forgot" (read: didn't feel like) to do.

Also. School vacation. WTF daycare lady. Isn't the point of daycare to give working parents a safe/healthy/educational/fun environment for their children to be in while the parents are working (and the kids aren't in school obviously)? Could have fooled me, but that's what I thought too. So, why, DC lady, when a school vacation approaches, do you tell me "Oh, I'll be open ___day and ___day, but I'll be closed the rest of vacation".

Now, I understand, Oldest daughter isn't in school yet, so school vacation doesn't apply to her. BUT, I do have two other kids who are in school, and I struggle to find them places to go over vacation so I can continue to work and bring home that money that pays your paycheck. You know that one that is a Minimum of $75 for the week, whether she's there or not, that I only agreed to because no other daycare in town had openings? Youngest daughter (2) still comes to work with me, even though I'm not nursing anymore, just because I can't afford to pay you for all your vacations.

Now, I suppose, I need to get back to tending the THREE kids I had to bring to work with me today because no one was available to babysit and daycare was closed. Over school vacation. Blah.

The one where I apologize for not blogging in over a year.

It's halfhearted, but I apologize. Life has been so busy, ups and downs with the kids and all that good stuff. As Seinfeld would say, "Yadda, yadda, yadda".

Money sucks, has anyone mentioned that lately? Nothing like having to write a check that you KNOW will overdraw your account, to pay the rent that's already late.. Not to mention those pesky disconnect notices that keep popping up.

Oh well, if I hadn't forgotten to switch bank accounts with the school, I'd be paying bills off today, not worrying about if they'll be shut off before the money comes in. Stupid me and forgetting I closed the account my student loan money was supposed to go to... now I have to wait for a check, which could take up to 2 weeks. Blah. I need some customers to come shop, like, yesterday.

Business is good for the most part. Just still playing the catch up game from this past winter. And now Former Husband has added a whole new bunch of stress to my life. The wonderful, disconnected, "Cant be bothered to do what the judge told me to do" abusive idiot has decided he can get the courts to give him custody? Yeah, I'm trying to figure that one out too.

Won't happen, so I digress..

To top off my day... its raining, with hail, and thunder, did I mention the thunder? I don't like Thunder at all. And The Hubby and I are kind of on the outs at the moment. He's not dealing well with stress around the kids. Oldest son to be more specific. Its a tight spot to be in, and I can't say I blame him for losing his cool... hell, a year ago I was losing it myself... the difference? I got help.

HOLY BALLS OF ICE BATMAN!

I hate thunder and hail. Yuck.

I've Been De-Friended

Years ago my mother became friends with this guy on Yahoo! Chat.. he was with this crazy lunatic, and eventually they broke up. After awhile he met this other girl who we all really liked, they got married (in my living room!!!!), and after a couple years had a little girl.

It has been years now, lots of ups and downs between everyone involved. I still chat with both he and his wife regularly on [A popular social networking site].

Over the past couple of months his wife has seriously been seeming like she's LOSING HER FUCKING MIND!

Seriously... She was fed up with her job, and making excuses NOT to go, regardless of the fact that her husband has been unable to find a job at this point in time, and money is stretched super tight, like to the point they are having a hard time paying bills and providing for their daughter, even when she's working regularly.

Her husband knew she was tired of her job and was trying desperately to make life easy at home and find a job himself so she can change jobs, or whatever.

Instead of taking Her FAMILY and RESPONSIBILITIES into consideration, she just quits her job and takes another job, with a MAJOR pay cut...

Insisting for the first week that she's FINALLY doing what she loves, and how she's making a difference, etc.

Great, now let's just forget the fact that you TOLD YOUR FIVE YEAR OLD that she probably won't be getting anything for Christmas because you didn't want to keep your old job, and that she was heartbroken and cried herself to sleep that night... no, we won't bring that up at all.

Fast Forward another week... and EVERY post she makes on her status is complaining about her job, how much she hate it, how miserable she is, blah, blah, blahty blah.

Now.. I'm sorry but I've listened to her husband vent about this for a couple months now. She's bipolar and wasn't on meds and her doctor wasn't helping... My mother is Bipolar, My son very well may be bipolar as well... I KNOW what he is going through, on top of seeing her posts myself.

So FINALLY I say something. I posted a comment and asked if she was ever going to stop complaining about her job and just be thankful that she HAS one at all, when there are SO Many of us out there who can't find one.

That was it.

So she sends me a message and tries turning it into a pity party, how she hurt herself at work so she can't do hardly anything other than making beds, etc.

So? Specify that you hurt yourself and you're frustrated because you can't do what you're supposed to be doing... would that be so hard?

So she messages me back and is acting all poor pitiful me again saying "So it's ok for you and everyone else to vent online, but not me, I see. I'll just take you off my friends list and you wont have to see it anymore"

So I got dirty... and without telling her that her husband is seriously considering changing the locks one day while she's gone because he's completely fed up with her bitching and refusing to take care of herself or anyone else (including SHOWERING Ya'll!!!!!), I told her she may want to consider taking my advice before she loses EVERYTHING, because I've seen her attitude and I've seen how she treats her husband, and I can't understand why he puts up with it.

And she has officially "de-friended" me.... I'm heartbroken... no, really, can't you tell?

Because Just Saying "You're a Bad Mom" Would Be Too Easy

So I call my mother, all excited because I thought of a cool gift for the kids for Christmas... Giga Pets! Or well, more like a generic brand that I found on Amazon.com for $1 each.. Anyway, I'm telling her about it, and yeah, she got them the exact same thing... oh well, they'll get two.

Then we are talking about school, and Picasso and Princess are running around being loud... not being bad, just loud, so I ask them to go upstairs to play so I can talk on the phone. They don't listen (because seriously, what kid does, right?) so I get a little louder and TELL them to go upstairs.

My mother gets all huffy and snaps at me "You know, I'm just gonna get those kids something for Christmas that they can ONLY use in their rooms, since that's where they spend 90% of their time ANYWAY!" and proceeds to tell me that basically all I do is yell at the kids and never spend time with them.

Umm, EXCUSE ME? I have been working my ASS off, TRYING to get life to be a little less chaotic so that I CAN spend time with them! I FINALLY got my school stuff organized so that I can stay ahead of assignments instead of struggling and stressing to get things done last minute, so that I am ABLE to spend a little time with my husband and kids.

I KNOW that I've neglected spending as much time with them lately as I should, but seriously, my kids do NOT spend 90% of their time in their rooms, even though I wish they would spend a little MORE time there. We spent a ton of time and money fixing those rooms up for them so they would ENJOY them and have a space of their own and WANT to be in them... but the only time they go in there is to sleep. I think I was completely justified in asking them to go play upstairs while I was on the phone because they were being loud.

What are your thoughts? Am I a horrible neglectful mother who should be shot?

Depression

Note of Disclaimer: This blog post was written while under the influence of cheap rum and cheap soda. I have read this message sober and believe it is ok to post. If I come across as extremely harsh in this message, well, blame it on the alcohol and depression.... both of which appear to be gone for the time being. Fingers crossed the depression stays gone and the alcohol just stops by for occasional visits :)
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I have been struggling with myself for days, trying to decide whether or not to blog. I haven't posted anything in a few weeks because life has been really crazy here.

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. This is the first time in nearly 4 years that I have had any severe depression issues, and I was completely unprepared for it. I really don't know what caused it, but things really started going down hill noticeably after our anniversary... or lack thereof.

In my last entry I wrote about all of the things I have going on, and really, none of that has changed. I'm super busy, the kids are super stressful, money is super tight, and then on top of that, throw the Holidays into the mix, and it's just harder and harder to deal with every day.

We made plans specifically to stick around home this year for Thanksgiving because this is the first year since we have been together that my three older children were not court ordered to be "somewhere else" for 4 hours on Thanksgiving, so we did not HAVE to travel. So instead of spending the holiday with my family, as we usually do, we decided to spend the holiday with hubbys family.

Wednesday we get the call that Thanksgiving at sister in laws house has been canceled because her daughter was diagnosed with H1N1... prognosis is really good, so no worries there, but Doctor ordered her to NOT be around anyone she doesn't live with.

So the 6 of us stayed home and had dinner here, no biggy, except I had some schoolwork to get done, so while hubby was preparing some dishes, I was trying to get my stuff done so that it was out of the way and I could forget about school for the rest of the day and spend a nice, quiet holiday at home with my husband and kids...

Yeah... SURE... cause dreaming big will get you anywhere, right?

The kids couldn't sit down and be quiet, had to fight all morning, so I'm trying to do my school work and keep them under control, hubby is TRYING to cook food and keeps running back and forth...

Yeah, I literally shoved the boys out the door and locked them outside for awhile. So sue me, I'm a bad mom.

I gave up trying to do school work after hubby started bitching, and started cleaning like a mad woman...

By the end of the day I was crying, ready to quit school, and just ready to give up, completely wanted to disappear. I posted some of my frustration on my Facebook status messages through the day, just to be told by my mother that by venting it makes me seem like a bad mom and SHE'S EMBARRASSED FOR ME!!!!

Yeah, FUCK YOU!

The days since then have been NO better... the thought of divorce crossed my mind today. Not because I WANT one, but because I'm sure it won't be long before my husband realizes that this is SO not what he signed up for when he signed those papers, legally becoming a husband/step-father, and that he deserves more than ungrateful kids who don't appreciate anything, have major anger issues, are destructive to everything around them, a wife who honestly has NO idea how to deal with her own kids, because SHE wasn't raised by parents who had a clue, and then spent 6 years in a marriage where her husband treated her no better and instilled in their children the idea that "What Mom says doesn't matter, unless I say it too."

So yeah, the last 3 or 4 days have just been horrible for me, and the weeks leading up to now haven't been much better. I don't know what is causing me to feel this way, hell I don't even know exactly WHAT I'm feeling, I just know it's not good, and when I mentioned it to my husband (someone who has never experienced me, or anyone else, going through a major depression), I was told I had to "Snap out of it" because he "wasn't going to 'carry' this entire family" himself.

Yeah, cause "snapping out of it" is SO easy, right?

So on top of feeling burned out, depressed, stressed out, etc. Now I'm angry, and aggravated and annoyed, etc.

My husband and I haven't had a break in over a year... We did have ONE night before the baby was born that we got a babysitter and went out to dinner and a movie, just the two of us, but I was so VERY pregnant, that I couldn't even enjoy it that much... My older kids don't have visitation with their biological father either, which is less stressful for me in one way, but leaves me more stressed in others.

I just don't know what to do anymore.